Finding the Way Home
by simplymondler
Summary: He'd made a mistake. He'd been young, stupid and blinded by love. Years later he's still living with the aftermath, lost, alone and filled with guilt. Would he ever find the peace he craved?... Mondler AU. Angst/Romance.
1. Life Can Show No Mercy

**Finding the Way Home**

~o0o~

He'd made a mistake. He'd been young, stupid and blinded by love. Years later he's still living with the aftermath, lost, alone and filled with guilt. Would he ever find the peace he craved?... Mondler AU. Angst/Romance.

A/N - Ok, this is set around season 3 (after R&R break up) but is a huge AU and not the same timeline we know and love. Hopefully you'll get the drift as we go along, so I won't ramble too much here. It's a fairly long angsty one (14 chapters) which are pretty much finished but as always each chapter needs a damn good edit before getting posted up, some more than others, but hopefully it shouldn't be too long inbetween updates...

* * *

 _Life can show no mercy_

"Um," Chandler faltered, his eyes falling once again onto the large beast in front of him. He swallowed, his hand automatically coming up to rub his neck, to unconsciously protect his vulnerable skin. He hated dogs...almost as much as he hated his current life. Sighing heavily, he winced, "Look, uh it's a great apartment but, uh-"

"Bills all included, cable, phone..."

"It's a tempting offer, really," he lied, ripping his eyes away from the savage-looking canine to address its even more savage-looking owner; it was true what people said, pets really could look like their owners."It's a nice place you have here, but, uh just not the one for me. Thanks for showing me around though, I appreciate it."

"Sure, whatever," the guy shrugged following him to the door, "your loss."

The wooden door closed firmly in his face and Chandler resisted the urge to kick out at the innocent door frame in frustration. Damn it, it had looked so promising in the advert. Why was it that every stupid apartment in this stupid city was either already taken or had weird freak-ass roommates? If it wasn't killer dogs it was Satan worshipers or god-forbid, bagpipe players. A shudder went through him.

Finding an apartment in Manhattan was proving a lot harder than he'd remembered. What was he even doing here? Risking coming back? Man, he should have stayed safely in Tulsa... should have stayed awake through one crappy meeting; then he _would_ still be in crappy Tulsa.

With another heavy sigh, he pushed his self-loathing aside and left the grubby landing, taking the stairs quickly as he exited the unfamiliar building and walked out onto the unfamiliar street. Chandler paused, taking in his last few breaths of fresh air before he reached into his pockets for his trusty packet of cigarettes. Placing one between his lips, he lit it easily, stuffing the lighter back into his pants. His eyes swept around his surroundings, debating what to do with himself now he wasn't sorting out moving like he'd hoped.

It was Saturday lunchtime and a familiar sense of loneliness started to creep through him; he knew he faced spending the rest of the day completely alone. Just like he had last night. Just like he would tomorrow. God, he hated weekends, really despised them. It was the weekends that repeatedly showed him just how empty his pathetic life had become. It was when he had the most time on his hands, forced to think and reflect. He hated that even more. No matter how hard he tried to forget, tried to push down his guilty memories, he always lost the battle.

Not wanting to face the oppressive silence of his empty hotel room, he decided to try and make the most of the nice weather and take a walk. At least amongst the New York crowds and the fast-paced Saturday shoppers he didn't feel so isolated. He wouldn't stand out as a loner. He could pretend he was going somewhere, pretend he had a purpose, a life. People wouldn't judge him.

He and his nicotine little buddy, wandered aimlessly, eventually finding themselves at the entrance of the familiar park. He paused, staring at it for a long moment as memories of a different life started to flutter at the edge of his consciousness. The life he tried so desperately to forget. Slamming his eyes shut he tried to block out the images of his younger smug self. When days couldn't be long enough. When he had best friends and a carefree life he'd loved. His life before it had all gone so horribly wrong.

God, it was all so different now.

Frustrated at his traitorous thoughts, he threw the finished smoke onto the ground, squishing it under his shoe before he forced himself to walk forward and enter Central Park. He hadn't stepped foot in this park for years, five years to be precise. He'd avoided it since he'd returned to the city a few weeks ago, fearing it was just too dangerous, too close to his past sins. But it was a large park. Thousands of people were probably here enjoying their Saturday; thousands. He'd be fine, besides if he was going to live in this city again he couldn't avoid this park forever and the odds of running into anyone he didn't want to were slim.

There were only five people here he needed to avoid. Five people out of the seven million that were currently crammed into New York. Manhattan was a big place and as long as he stayed clear of certain old haunts and hangouts, then he'd be alright, he had to be. He kept the mantra in his head. He wouldn't bump into them. He wouldn't see them. Hell, maybe they weren't even in New York anymore…maybe they had all moved on as well...

He swallowed as a familiar pain rippled through him, he hated that thought. Hated that their life had no doubt continued without him and probably for the better.

Not that he could blame them.

They had deserved better then him.

 _She_ had deserved better than him, so much better.

He wondered if they ever thought about him still? Even after all this time had passed? He was torn between hoping they didn't, so there was no more pain and they had closure. But a part of him hoped she still did, that by some miracle she didn't hate him. Might even forgive him one day?

No, this wasn't helping him. Shaking his head fiercely in frustration, he started to quicken his pace. He couldn't think about them, couldn't theorize how they had spent the last five years. More importantly he couldn't think of her. He'd given up that right five years ago.

Why though did it still hurt after five years?

Why did he still have to live with the pain and guilt every single fricking day?

* * *

~o _Flashback 5 years ago_ o~

"Chandler! There you are!"

He stopped talking to Chris at the bar as she wrapped herself around him, her arms at his waist, her head resting so easily against his shoulder, like it was made for her.

"Hey," he grinned amused, allowing himself for just a moment to enjoy the feel of her body pressed to his and the smell of her perfume that was now surrounding him. "You ok?"

"Yeah," she pulled back slightly from his embrace offering him a beaming smile. "I'm more than ok actually, much more."

"Yeah? What's brought this on?" he asked curious, trying to ignore the way his heart sped up a little because of that amazing smile. Her smile was one of the first things he'd fallen in love with, it hadn't taken long for him to fall in love with the rest of her.

"Well," she accepted the drink from the barman with a nodded thanks, taking a sip of the alcohol which Chandler seriously doubted she needed, she seemed pretty tipsy already.

"Well?" he pried as she played with her yellow plastic straw.

Monica bit her lip, ducking her head a little and Chandler was totally endeared by her.

"It's silly."

"Then it's your lucky day as I happen to like silly," he teased, nudging her gently. "Tell me." She still seemed a little hesitant and he frowned, "Mon, it's me," he reminded her softly, "you can tell me anything, you know that."

"True," she mused, capturing and chewing those gorgeous lips between her white teeth. "Ok, _but,"_ she raised a pointed finger at him in warning, "you can't tell anyone…an-y-one."

Chandler used his own fingers to cross his heart before turning it into the boy scout sign just for extra luck, "Come on, don't make me pinky-swear, too."

"Ok," she chuckled, "ok, well," she looked around to ensure none of the gang were within earshot, "see, I've, uh kinda got a little crush on someone," she admitted, blushing instantly.

"What?" Chandler jolted in surprise, his heart starting to pound in his chest, he hadn't expected that, it had come out of nowhere.

Did she know? Had he given something away?

"Uh huh, but you can't tell Ross, he'd totally flip out."

"As long as it isn't Ross," he tried to joke nervously, "I mean he's married…as well as being your brother."

She snorted, a hand landing on his chest, stroking slightly, "Oh you." The hand stayed there and Chandler briefly wondered if she could feel the hammering of his heart underneath; it felt like it was about to burst from his chest and shoot across the room to land in an unsuspecting victim's beer glass. "It's not Ross, that would be gross," she moved her hand from his chest but instead of disappearing it landed on his thigh, patting it and lingering, her sparkling undulated eyes meeting his, "it's _definitely_ not Ross."

"G-good," he stammered, his stomach fluttering. Was this actually happening? It felt so surreal, "So, uh, who is it?"

"I don't know if I should tell _you_ of all people," she admitted, her hand still burning his thigh, "it might be weird. It's...it's actually one of the group."

His breath hitched in his throat, "I-I"

He didn't want to hope. Desperately didn't want to hope. Things like this didn't happen to him.

"And 'no', it's not Phoebe before you ask," she chuckled, the hand on his thigh rubbing slowly.

His heart started to beat rapidly in confused anticipation.

"T-then that leaves…?"

Please dear god, that left…

"Kip."

He froze.

"Kip?" he managed to choke out as disappointment and disbelief flooded through him.

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone, promise?"

He couldn't promise, he was still trying to process this unexpected and very unwelcome information, his mind spinning.

"Kip?" He eventually repeated, stunned, his brow furrowing in confusion. "Really? Kip?"

God it hurt. He hadn't realized how much it would but it did. A dull ache was already spreading slowly across his chest as reality began to dawn on him. She had a crush on his roommate.

"Chandler," she removed the forgotten hand to whack his chest clumsily, "stop making fun of me, yes I like Kip, ok?"

It wasn't ok. How could it be?

"I mean I really really like him," she continued, unknowingly increasing the pain in his chest. "As in, I can't stop thinking about him, like him."

"Ok, I get it, you don't have to paint me a picture," he really didn't get it. Not at all. How could she like Kip?

Chandler silently berated himself for getting his hopes up for even the briefest of moments. Idiot. How could he have thought someone like her would ever want to be with him? Pathetic, immature him.

"He's just so…sweet," she started telling him, although he definitely hadn't asked and desperately didn't want to know. "He's good-looking, smart, caring, funny-"

"Funny?" That got him. She found Kip funny and not him? He was the funny one of the group, it was his thing, the only thing he had. He always tried to show off in front of her and she always awarded him with one of those smiles or rich laughs.

"Yes funny," she protested good-naturedly, "although, obviously not as funny as you Mr Funny Bing," she chuckled at her own joke. "He's got a good sense of humor, he's got a real job and he's Jewish! My mom is going to love him."

"Yeah, she will," he muttered softly, reaching for his drink, wishing this conversation was already over. He needed it to just end.

The sad truth was Kip was actually a good guy. He was all those things she'd just said which only added to his dilemma.

"Do you think he likes me? That he'd go out with me?"

He wanted to lie, he really did. He wanted to tell her to forget about Kip and focus on the other roommate that had been secretly in love with her since college. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't risk ruining this friendship and getting his heart rejected, especially now he knew his feelings were definitely not reciprocated. Besides, as he constantly told himself it wasn't love. It was just a crush. She was allowed to date whoever she wanted, he'd coped before and would cope again.

"Chandler?"

"Right, sorry," he tried to calm himself down but he could feel his walls starting to crumble as the dull ache intensified. Why did it hurt so bad? He just hadn't expected this tonight, had been unprepared for it and his heart caught off-guard. That was all. "Who, uh wouldn't want to date you?" he admitted honestly.

She offered him another huge grin, her warm hands patting his cheeks, "Lots of people but thank you, you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better."

"Your welcome," ironically her words seemed to twist that knife a little deeper.

"Think I should ask him out tonight? You know, while I've got the nerve and the right blood alcohol level and actually go for it?" she suggested and Chandler swallowed, pushing down his gut response as her eyes starting to search the bar.

"I, uh, I think he already went home," he said, trying to keep his trembling under control and out of his voice.

"Even better," she smiled as she stood up, pushing her drink towards him. "Here you can have the rest of this on the condition you don't come upstairs in a hurry," she giggled, totally missing his grimace. "I'm not saying anything _will_ happen, he might not even be interested but try not to interrupt anything," she winked. "Thanks Chandler, you're the best," she pressed her lips to his cheek as the knife sliced completely through him. "Wish me luck."

He didn't but she didn't seem to notice. Too hyped up and focused on her new mission to notice the man she'd left falling apart at the bar. He just stared after her, watching as she grabbed her coat and bounced out of the door. As the door closed behind her he continued to stare, completely lost. Had that just happened? Was this real? He prayed not, hoped beyond hoped, that this was some sort of result of mixing his drinks and he'd wake up tomorrow to find it was just some twisted part of his subconscious playing a cruel joke on him.

Monica and Kip?

~o0o~

The next morning he crawled out of bed, his head and stomach vaguely protesting at the movement. He remembered drinking a fair bit the night before in an attempt to try and ignore Monica's drunken confession. Had she been serious? Had she talked to his roommate? He really hoped not, really hoped it had been a misunderstanding, or maybe Kip wouldn't feel the same. He'd never mentioned liking Monica, but then again neither had Chandler. Chandler had kept his forbidden crush a secret, hoping that it would pass, would just be a faze...but he'd been telling himself that since Thanksgiving '88.

Scrubbing a hand through his bed hair, he pushed open the door, both relieved and panicked to see his roommate munching some toast at the small rickety kitchen table.

"Hey Mr Sunshine," Kip greeted with an amused grin. "You look like crap. Rough night last night?"

"Something like that," he grunted, padding over to join him. "You?"

As much as he dreaded it, he had to discover the outcome.

"I had a rather surprising night," he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows above his spectacles, "Get this, I was about to crash out when Monica comes in and announces she wants to date me!"

She had done it then. He tried to ignore his sinking gut as his shoulders slumped.

"Cool," he tried lamely, hoping the other man would put his lack of enthusiasm down to his hangover.

"Wild right? I mean I never would have thought someone like that would have been interested in me! It's crazy."

"Definitely crazy alright," he muttered, trying not to sound bitter. "So, uh, do you wanna date her?" he held his breath. Please...

"I didn't, I never really thought about it you know, she's the girl across the hall, in our friend group. But as she's offering I thought why not?," Chandler felt his heart constrict a little but he tried to shake it off. Monica deserved to be with someone that would cherish her, someone that had been longing for her. "We're going out tonight," he continued, oblivious to Chandler's misery, "to see how it goes but...well, I probably shouldn't say anything as I'm a gentleman and all, but as you're my roommate...I already know we have great chemistry. I mean, I know she was a little tipsy but she was suddenly all over me man and yeah, we didn't go all the way but she's damn feisty when she wants to be and so hot."

He closed his eyes, not wanting to hear this.

"Dude, that's our friend and Ross' little sister you're talking about."

"Like you're blind," he scoffed a little, standing up to move to the sink, patting his shoulder as he did. "You know I don't mean anything by it, Monica's cool. It's just I never realized how good a kisser she'd be and man she's got a fine body."

"Kip -"

"Plus, I figure Ross can't get mad as she's the one throwing herself at me right? It's not my fault she likes me. I'm the innocent party here."

"I guess."

Over the years he'd often wondered what Ross' reaction would be if he discovered Chandler's real feelings towards Monica. He'd gone through various scenarios in his head but none ever ended well. Occasionally he'd let himself imagine that by some miracle she was dating him and they had to break it to Ross. Again it had never concluded positively.

"Anyway, I've gotta go, I said I'd take my mom out for lunch as I didn't get to see her last week."

"Course," Chandler hadn't even heard from his own mother for a couple of months.

As Kip grabbed his jacket, the apartment door opened revealing a shy and very cute looking Monica. Chandler took her in, appreciating her, until it dawned on him she was staring the same way dopey way...but at his roommate. Monica and Kip were actually making eyes at each other. It was like some twisted version of the twilight zone and he didn't like it but also couldn't bring himself to look away.

"Hey," she smiled, biting her lip and Chandler frowned.

"Hey you," Kip grinned, walking over to her, placing his hands on her cheeks as he pulled her in for a quick kiss.

Chandler's already unsettled stomach turned as he watched their lips meet, the reality that this was actually happening started to sink into his thick skull. Monica and Kip. They were gonna date and he was gonna have to watch them. He shifted uncomfortably averting his gaze as he tried to ignore his inner thoughts. They were adults, they were allowed to date. He'd have to find some way to deal with it until his own crush got the wake up call and moved on.

It was just a silly crush.

"I've got to go, I'll see you later babe, you too Monica," he winked chuckling as he confidently strode from the apartment.

Chandler held up a hand as a vague wave as he left, before looking over to Monica. She looked beautiful, a soft warm look on her face; as he stared at her an unwelcome pang of longing went through him, unsettling him. She wasn't his to long for.

"Isn't this great?" Monica practically squealed, dancing over to him and hugging him. "Me and Kip!"

"Yeah," his throat was dry as he resisted locking his arms around her and not letting her go.

"I can't believe this is happening," she continued and he resisted commenting. "Thank you, Chandler."

He frowned, "What did I do?"

"You gave me the confidence to actually go for it silly, I'd never have had the courage to talk to him unless it had been for you! And now we're actually going on a date! It's so exciting! I better go decide what to wear, maybe Phoebe will have something suitable. Thanks again, Chandler. I owe you one."

She pressed a kiss to his cheek before, turning and leaving, not noticing the disbelief on his face as the irony kicked in. Alone in the apartment he let his head drop to his hands as he closed his eyes and groaned. He must have done something really really crappy in his past life to be getting punished this way. The girl he wanted was now dating his roommate and not only was he going to have to hear about it and no doubt see it, it turned out he was to blame.

He felt a sharper pain in his chest, but tried to push it down. He didn't want to understand what it meant right now.

He just had to accept the situation and move on, he didn't have a choice.

Monica had chosen Kip.

Kip.

* * *

A/N – quite a slow start but hopefully it's set the scene a little. I promise it gets moving a bit more in the next chapter.

It's probably worth mentioning at this stage, that if you've ever tried reading into the backstories of our favorite characters you'll probably know it's very open to interpretation...and well not a lot adds up! I've tried my best here with the timeline but please forgive any errors and maybe don't look too closely ha ha. For the sake of this story I'm going off the assumption Mondler became friends not long after the whole toe cutting incident.

And a huge thank you for everyone that reviewed my last fic, it was very much appreciated! As always I'd love love love to hear your thoughts on the opening chapter :o)


	2. It Can Tear Your Soul Apart

_It can tear your soul apart_

* * *

~o _Flashback_ o~

"Aren't they cute together?" Phoebe commented, gesturing to the couple currently making out on the couch.

"I could live without it," Chandler muttered, his vision staying firmly fixed on the movie he was pretending to watch. He didn't need to see them making out. They'd been doing it a lot these last few weeks and every time cut deeper than the last. Why couldn't he move passed this, get over her and be happy for them?

"Me too," Ross piped up, "Do you really have to do that here?"

Monica pulled away from Kip, rolling her eyes as she glared at her brother.

"It's my apartment numbnut," she pointed out.

Chandler risked looking at her then, trying to ignore how thoroughly kissed she looked, how happy and glowing she was. He watched as Kip leaned forward and murmured something in her ear. As if he had some sadistic pleasure, Chandler couldn't tear his eyes away as she giggled, nodding and pressing another firm kiss to his roommate's willing face.

They then both abruptly stood up, Kip's arms around her middle as she giggled again.

"Fine, you can have the apartment," Monica smiled as the pair made their way to the door, "We want some privacy anyway."

With that the door closed and Chandler swallowed hard, his gut clenching as he tried not to think about what they were going to do across the hall. In _his_ apartment. He'd never hated living anywhere so much.

"Gross!" Ross pulled a face.

"Try listening to it through the wall," Chandler muttered as he tried to refocus on the movie, trying to stop his over active imagination from torturing himself.

"Yuck!" Ross protested, "no thanks."

"Do you find it's weird because it's Monica?" Phoebe asked nonchalantly as she took a handful of popcorn. "Because I thought it would be icky when they got together but I've gotten used to hearing it and seeing him here in the morning. I mean, you guys spend so much time here anyway that it's really not that different."

He wished it wasn't different for him. Wished it wasn't a big deal. Wished he could move on and that his crush wasn't getting worse. It made no sense. She'd had plenty of boyfriends but he'd always managed to keep himself together, push his feelings to the side. But now it was Kip? His friend and roommate? Now that he saw them every day- every morning, every evening, heard them most nights. It was a horrid nightmare he was living and everyday seemed to get that little bit worse, that little bit darker.

"Chandler?" Phoebe prompted and he blinked.

"Yeah, 'weird', that's the uh word I was looking for," he murmured.

"Rather you than me," Ross muttered grabbing the popcorn bowl from the table, helping himself to a few handfuls before offering it to Chandler.

He declined, he hadn't had much of an appetite lately.

"So, how's things going with Carol?" Phoebe asked.

"Meh," Ross shrugged, "it's ok. She's just started her new job, so is doing a few longer hours and stuff. It's taking a bit of time to get used to it."

"You should treat her," Phoebe suggested, "if she's doing longer hours you should surprise her with a nice home-cooked dinner, a hot bubble bath, petals on the cover," she did a little shiver, "oooh, it could be really romantic."

Ross looked to Chandler for confirmation who merely shrugged, he sadly didn't know much about this kinda stuff.

"Really?" Ross asked her, still sceptical.

"Uh huh," she nodded confidently, "or book her into a spa or ooh, oh, bring her to where I work and I'll get a discounted massage for her," she clapped her hands excitedly.

"You know what, that's not a bad idea," he nodded thoughtfully. "I think I'll head home, I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Chandler let out a sigh as the door closed and returned his attention back to the film.

"You ok?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah," he lied, "just tired."

"If they are keeping you up, you're welcome to the couch," Phoebe offered as she stood up and stretched. "I'm gonna go to bed, I'm pretty tired myself. Night Chandler."

"Night Phoebs," he said softly as she disappeared into her bedroom and he was left alone.

Grabbing a cushion he moved to the couch stretching out and hugging the cushion to him. He didn't want to go home yet, not whilst they were probably still doing…things. He swallowed, scrubbing an angry hand across his face as he clutched the soft cushion tighter, it smelt like Monica which both comforted and mocked him.

Of all the people to fall in love with why did it have to be her? And of all the people that she could fall in love with, why did it have to be _him_? He sighed at his self-pity. He'd get over it, over her.

He had no choice.

Phoebe's bedroom door suddenly opened and he quickly tried to compose himself, blinking away any tears that were threatening to fall. She came out in her night clothes heading to the bathroom but paused as she took him in.

"You sure you're alright?" she asked kindly.

He nodded quickly, "Sad bit of the film," he lied again, having no idea what was happening on the tv right now.

Phoebe glanced at the screen and then back to her friend. "Hugh Grant cuddling a baby upsets you?"

"What can I say, I had a screwed up childhood," he tried to joke, knowing in reality he was desperately screwed up.

"Your aura keeps getting darker," Phoebe commented. "I know I'm not Monica but if you want to talk about anything?"

She left the offer hanging as Chandler tried to look as confused as possible, "Nothing's wrong Phoebs. I'm good, really."

Phoebe sighed disappointed but luckily didn't push it. "I'm going to cleanse that aura anyway, just in case it helps," she informed him as she headed back to the bathroom.

He closed his eyes, annoyed that he was letting this get to him enough that Phoebe noticed. Sure, she always seemed to pick up on this sort of stuff in her own unique flaky way, but he couldn't let her know. She was Monica's roommate and her girly best friend. Plus, she was extremely bad at keeping secrets, especially if under pressure. No, he couldn't afford for this to get out.

Besides, it was going to pass.

It had too.

Phoebe left the bathroom and thankfully didn't try to restart the conversation. Instead she bid him goodnight and softly closed the door.

With a deep breath he collapsed back onto the couch, lying across it and tucking his feet under a cushion, determined to watch the film; desperate for anything that could distract him from his thoughts.

After the film had ended, he rewinded it and stuck in another. Once the closing credits were scrolling across the screen he squinted at the VCR clock, the tiny digital numbers telling him it was after 1am. It should be safe now. He forced his tired limbs from the couch and shut down the television before switching off the light and plodding into his own apartment.

It was dark and silent.

Grateful, he used the bathroom and then shut himself into his bedroom. He had just crawled under the covers when he heard it. He squeezed his eyes up in pain, trying to block out the noise but further sounds came through the wall taunting him. How was he meant to move on when he could hear her in her most intimate moments?

Knowing that the tears were finally falling silently down his cheeks he ignored them. He grabbed his Walkman and placed the earphones over his ears. He pressed down the play button listening as the tape came to life. He turned it up, pulling the pillow over his head, trying desperately to block out the soul-destroying sounds, block out his life. It just hurt too much.

He needed to get over this, over her before it killed him...but how? God he wish he knew.

~o _End of flashback_ o~

* * *

Chandler left the park and went in search of some lunch. Lunch was good. Lunch involved thinking, going somewhere and the best thing was it guaranteed to take up some of his seemingly endless time. It also gave him something else to concentrate on beside his screwed up past complete with his stupid mistakes. The memories were only intensifying since he'd returned.

As he walked, the streets started to become more and more familiar and he faltered slightly before sighing heavily. Maybe coming back really hadn't been a good idea, he just wasn't ready. He should have just refused. Or actually carried out his threat of quitting a job he didn't even like.

Maybe he could still quit? Give up, pack it all in and just return…to what though? It wasn't like he had anyone there waiting for him to come home in the Sunny State.

No girlfriend.

No wife.

No real friends to occupy his time.

Not like he used to...

Hating that his thoughts had once again gone full circle, he tried to get his focus back on food. He looked around, easily spotting a small sandwich shop and decided it was as good a place as any to kill an hour or so. Crossing the street, his head still full of doubts and memories, he pushed open the door, not really paying attention to much around him.

"Hey! Watch it man!"

Too late.

He grimaced as he collided with a guy and could only watch as in slow motion the messy looking baguette the guy had been previously holding flew up into the air before starting its dramatic descent. As it somersaulted, it splattered tomato sauce onto the stranger's Knicks sweater; a couple of meatballs bounced off his Nikes before the whole sandwich tumbled and landed in a heap on the once shiny shop floor.

It looked like a bizarre murder scene.

Oh shoot.

"My sandwich!"

The guy looked positively heartbroken, completely distraught as he knelt on the floor, mourning his loss. He scooped up the remains in his hands still clearly upset. Chandler looked around uncomfortable as people started staring at them funny. Great. Of all the people to piss off he had to run into a weirdo. Typical.

"I'm really sorry, man," Chandler apologized quickly, dodging out of the way of yet another customer who shot them yet another look. "Say, uh, let me buy you another one to make up for it. Please?" He was desperate to get out of the spot light, he hated attention.

The man tore himself away from his squished lunch to look him over and then begrudgingly accepted, "Ok, fine." He still had a forlorn look fixed on his face as he dumped the mess into the bin. "Aww man, look at the queue."

"Are you in a rush to be someplace?" Chandler asked, kinda hoping he was, "If so, I can just give you the money if you'd prefer..."

"What? I need my sandwich; it's Saturday." The guy was looking at him as if it should be obvious.

"Right, of course, what was I thinking?" Chandler muttered under his breath as they joined the back of the line.

He watched bemused as the man finally noticed the sauce on the front of his sweater, using a finger to wipe it off and then placed it in his mouth, sucking. Eeew.

Stuffing his hands in his pants' pockets, Chandler rocked back on the balls of his feet. The silence stretched and soon became awkward; he hated awkward almost as much as he hated attention. Desperate to make some kind of conversation, he went for an obvious starting point.

"I, uh take it you're a Knicks fan?"

"Yeah, I am," the man nodded proudly, tapping his sauce covered chest with pride, "the Knicks rule all. You into basketball?"

"Yeah, kinda," Chandler shrugged.

"Kinda?" the guy frowned. "What sorta answer is that? I mean have you been to a game before?"

"I...uh..." Chandler swallowed, his mind suddenly and without permission taking him back to the last Knicks game he'd attended...

* * *

~o _Flashback_ o~

"Yes! Go Knicks!" Kip shouted, punching his fist in the air with the rest of the home crowd.

Chandler merely faked a smile as the cheers rang through the stadium.

"They're playing awesome tonight," Ross commented enthusiastically from the other side of him.

"Yeah," Chandler muttered, watching disinterestedly as the ball got bounced and hurled around the court at a ridiculously high speed.

He hadn't wanted to come here, really hadn't but he'd forced himself to. He needed to keep up the pretence that he was fine, because he would be. Soon. Plus, he'd hoped it might take his mind off things…off her; he'd been wrong, very wrong. Even his favorite basketball team was failing miserably to raise his spirits. What was wrong with him? He should be getting over this stupid crush by now and getting into things like this. He usually loved having the chance to see them play and to hang out with the guys.

"Ah, I can't believe he missed that!" Kip complained and Chandler simply nodded, not even sure who had missed what.

Why couldn't he get into it? He was at a stadium filled with thousands of over excited basketball fans and yet he wasn't the slightly bit interested, not at all, all he could think about was Monica. Which made no sense as she didn't even really like basketball. Maybe if they were dating he would have taken her to a game, bought her a sweater, taught her the rules and no doubt laughed as she tried to keep up. She'd get that competitive gleam in her eye as he teased her and he'd smile at her, leaning down and placing his lips to hers. And she would smile brightly, kissing back and...

The buzzer sounded, jerking him out of his inappropriate daydream and back to reality. The crappy reality where she had chosen the man beside him, the man happily cheering with the rest of the crowd. He sighed, hating that he was still having these kinda thoughts about his roommate's girlfriend. Why couldn't he just move on? Find someone else? It seemed the harder he tried to forget her, the harder it pushed back and the worse it became.

Why did it have to be her?

"Anyone want a drink?" Kip asked, gesturing vaguely towards the direction of the drink stands.

"Sure, beer," Ross nodded.

Both eyes went to Chandler.

"Oh," he blinked, "uh, yeah same...thanks."

Kip threw him an odd look, but thankfully didn't comment as he got up to join the large queues. He'd been getting quite a few odd looks lately. He really had to get over this or at least stop being so…distant and vacant towards people. It wasn't their fault he was miserable. It wasn't their fault he was so wrapped up in his own pain and suffering that it felt like it was slowly consuming him, slowly turning him insane. No, none of this was their fault, it was all on his own shoulders and he had to make more of an effort. Focus.

Maybe if he could act happy, act that he wasn't hurting so much inside, that he'd eventually believe it and the smiles would become genuine again.

"You ok, man?" Ross asked and Chandler winced.

Ross was not known for being the most observant, so if _he_ was picking up on vibes then Chandler must be making it pretty obvious. Crap.

"Yeah, I'm good," he lied. He hating lying to him, he really did but he had no choice. Usually he'd always talk to Ross about girls…not that there'd ever been many but he really couldn't this time. No way, he was on his own. "So," he tried to steer the topic of conversation away from himself, "you enjoying the game?"

"Yeah, it's nice doing something just us guys…besides, I kinda had an ulterior motive behind tonight."

"Really?" Chandler frowned, a little uncomfortable.

He was in no mood for surprises. He was in no mood for anything recently.

"Yeah," Ross lowered his voice, glancing over his shoulder to ensure there was no sign of the other man. "I wanted to have the 'big brother' talk with Kip."

"What?"

An uneasy feeling started in the pit of his stomach.

"It's been over a month now and it seems pretty solid, so I think it's time he knows that he can't mess with her."

Chandler's frown deepened as his heart sunk a little. It was going well enough that Ross felt a talk was needed? Didn't that kinda thing wait until marriage or at the very least the bachelor party?

"Isn't it a little too soon?" he tried, desperately not wanting to be thinking about this, not tonight.

"Oh come on, this is Monica. Kip might not know it but the woman already has her wedding planned and the children's names picked out."

"Oh…" he replied dumbly, feeling his heart drop.

"Carol thinks it stupid but she's my sister, right?" Ross continued, thankfully oblivious to Chandler's inner turmoil.

"Right," he swallowed, that had been one of the reasons he'd never tried anything with her in collage. Because she was related to his best friend and roommate at the time. Then he'd got to know her and had cottoned on pretty quickly that she was out of his league. But if she hadn't been related to Ross, maybe he'd have had the courage at some point to approach her and trip over his tongue while trying to tell her she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. And maybe she would have taken pity on him and let him take her on one date. And maybe they would have clicked and -

"Good, I knew you'd be on my side. You're just as protective as I am when it comes to Monica. You know, actually, thinking about it you're as much a big brother as I am."

Chandler's heart sunk further as Ross patted his shoulder.

"Sure," he muttered. He didn't want to be her brother. Really didn't but surely being a surrogate brother was better than being a stranger? Right? He couldn't be her boyfriend...she already had one of those.

He sighed, one of the reasons he'd agreed to come tonight was because he thought at least there would be no Monica talk. He'd thought with Ross there Kip wouldn't say anything and a whole evening of not talking about her or not seeing her might help. He hadn't even considered the possibility that Ross would want to start a conversation about her and the relationship.

At that moment Kip returned, unaware of his fate as he balanced the drinks in his hands, laughing about some guys in full fancy dress he'd met. As he waffled on, Chandler could feel Ross start to fidget beside him. God, was he going to do it here? Now? Chandler didn't want to be sat in the middle of them during a conversation like this. Maybe he could excuse himself and...

"Kip, I uh," Ross cleared his throat and Chandler grimaced, looking away uncomfortable as he realized he was too late. Trapped. "I wanted to, uh chat to you about Monica."

"Yeah?" he seemed unfazed, nothing ever seemed to faze him; that was another thing Chandler envied about the man. "I'm afraid if you like her, Ross, she's already taken," he joked, "right?" he nudged Chandler who obediently faked a laugh on cue as Kip's words echoed in his mind.

She was taken.

Taken.

Why couldn't he still accept that?

"Look," Ross wet his lips, continuing unperturbed, "you've been dating for a while now and I just want you to know that...I mean...just...just don't hurt her, ok? Or you'll have both of us to deal with."

"No sweat, I won't hurt her," he easily promised, "besides, no offence but if I ever screwed her over, which I wouldn't," he added to Ross' pointed look, "but if I did, I'd be way more scared of Monica's revenge than of either of you guys."

"Hey!" Ross protested.

"Come on, man we're friends. You know I'll look after her, treat her right."

Chandler closed his eyes, trying to push down the feelings of unfairness, knowing just how good _he_ would have treated her if he had been given the chance.

"Yeah, I know and well, she does look really happy."

"She is."

Chandler tried to block out the conversation. Despite being both their friends, and knowing that he should be thrilled, over the moon in fact they were happy, he still wasn't in that place and desperately didn't want to hear about it. Not tonight. He had to put up with both of them sharing how good it was constantly. He had just wanted one night off.

"In fact," Ross continued, sounding thoughtful, "she looks a lot happier than I've seen her in a long time, hasn't she Chandler?"

He tried to nod.

"She must be this way because of you," Ross concluded.

Chandler really wished he could put his hands over his ears and start humming, or at the very least run screaming. Neither were a plausible option just now.

"Yeah?" Kip sounded pleased, "I'm pretty happy too, it's going great between us." Chandler knew that. He shared a wall. "It's going better than I imagined."

But he hadn't imagined it, not like Chandler had. He hadn't spent nights, years even longing to be with her. The lucky son of a bitch hadn't had to go through any of that and yet he still got to be with her. It wasn't fair.

"Good, look I'm sorry I said anything," Ross apologised, "I mean you're a good guy, a great guy in fact and you know what, I couldn't ask for a better guy to date my sister."

Chandler sat there, trying to ignore the words, ignore what the conversation meant. Ignore the truth, that even Ross agreed she'd picked the right guy. That everyone was happy and there was no place for him. His eyes snapped open as Ross barged him, leaning over him to slap Kip on the shoulders.

"Thanks buddy," his roommate smiled. "I'm glad I have the official Ross seal of approval."

"Who knows, maybe we'll be brother-in-laws one day," Ross joked, not realizing how much that hurt. How much it ripped the man sat next to him into two.

Marriage?

Kip laughed, "Marriage?" he repeated Chandler's silent thoughts, but in a much more light-hearted way. "Nah, not all of us are stupid enough to get married so young," he teased.

As they laughed around him, Chandler swallowed, trying to shut it all out, the conversation, the pain, the fact that he still couldn't get over the woman. He had to block it all out, forget about it all and just force himself to concentrate on this damn game.

Because _this_ would pass, his feelings would pass.

He'd get over Monica, it was just a phase.

This painful horrible time would get easier.

It had to.

 _~o End of flashback_ o~

* * *

"Hello? Hey? You there?"

He blinked, shaking his head, snapping back to the present to find himself still in the sandwich queue, the Knicks guy frowning at him like _he_ was the crazy one.

Crap.

"Sorry, I uh, I was miles away. What were we saying?"

"We were talking about basketball," the man looked at him suspiciously, "You a fan or not?"

"Oh right, yeah I used to be a Knicks fan actually, went to a fair few games and stuff," he ensured his mind didn't go back to that last game, "but then I moved to Tulsa and well, there was this one team there that I -"

"You can't just swap teams." The man looked appalled and Chandler swallowed, taking a step back. "Especially not a Tulsa team, what's wrong with you? Born a Knicks fan, always a Knicks fan. Period."

Wow. The guy was passionate, he'd give him that.

"I still support them," he held his hands up in defense, "I just haven't seen many games lately, that's all."

"Oh. That's ok then," the other man nodded satisfied as Chandler rolled his eyes. "So, you back in New York permanently or are you heading back to Tulsa?"

"Back for good it seems," Chandler nodded, still wondering if it was strictly true. There was still the real possibility of his past catching up with him and he sincerely suspected that if that happened there would be only one outcome. "I just gotta find somewhere to live now as staying in a hotel really isn't my style."

He noticed the guy perk up and instantly Chandler frowned in response, "What?"

"You're looking for a room?" he asked suddenly interested and Chandler nodded cautiously. "I'm actually looking for a roommate at the moment...if you're interested?"

"Really?" Chandler tried to resist pulling a face. This guy didn't really seem to break the stereotype that all available apartments came with freaks as roommates but he was starting to get desperate.

"Yeah, look why don't we talk over lunch, get to know each other and if we get on then you can come see the place? It's not far from here."

Chandler studied him for a moment. Surely it was worth a try and he had nothing better to do right now.

With a polite smile he nodded, "Ok, sure why not?" he stretched out his hand, "I'm Chandler by the way."

The man smiled back, shaking his hand firmly, "Joey."

* * *

A/N - I'm glad this story has intrigued a lot of you - things will be revealed as we go along...

A huge thanks to every one that reviewed - you guys rock! Any thoughts on this chapter would be hugely appreciated. Have a great weekend :o)


	3. It Can Make you Feel You've Gone Crazy

_It can make you feel like you've gone crazy._

 _But you're not,_

* * *

They finally made it to the front of the sandwich queue and Joey eagerly ordered first. Amused with his strict instructions over the exact fillings and precise amount of sauce, Chandler decided to order the same. It sounded rather intriguing.

"Excellent choice, my man," Joey praised next to him at the counter. "That's a point in your favor already."

"O-kay…" Chandler merely went along with it, paying and following his new 'friend' to a small vacant table. "So, what's the apartment like? I've been pretty much following up every lead and buying every property paper, I'm surprised I missed it."

"Well, see, originally I advertised wanting an 18 year old female roommate," he explained around a mouthful of sandwich. "Non-ugly of course. I thought it would be nice to live with someone different from me, you know learn off them and all that kinda stuff but it didn't really pan out."

"Oh right," he frowned, he remembered that advert; he'd assumed it was a joke posted by some 7 year old.

"You like Baywatch?" Joey asked out of the blue.

"Um, yeah, I've watched it a few times," Chandler's frown deepened, was this seriously the guy's interview questions? Sandwiches and Baywatch?

"But you liked it?" he persisted.

"Sure, what's not to like?" he shrugged a little, "they run a lot."

"Yeah they do!" Joey let out a dirty chuckle, "That's another point. Oh, do you like pets? I've got a chick and duck."

Yeah, he was definitely in the crazy camp.

"A chicken? Like the farmyard birds?" he asked hesitantly and Joey nodded casually, as if it was an everyday occurrence. "Uh, I guess that's ok."

At least they weren't dogs.

"So, what brings you back to New York?"

Finally a normal question; one he'd answered numerous times in the couple of weeks he'd been back here.

"Oh, it wasn't intentional. I fell asleep in a meeting and when I woke up I discovered I'd accepted a promotion which came with a transfer to the Manhattan office." He took another bite of his sandwich, "This is really good by the way. I'll have to remember it."

"I know it's amazing right? Meatballs _good_ , tomato sauce _good_ , and melted cheese _very_ good…what's not to love? So, what do you do workwise?"

"I'm a manager of a analytical data processing firm, where we -" he saw Joey's eyes start to glaze over, "um, I work in an office with computers, 9-5 sorta thing," he hurried, "Very boring. You?"

"I'm an actor."

"Wow," his eyebrows shot up to his hairline, he hadn't expected that, "that's uh….different, been in anything I know?"

"I was on tv for a while, in days of our lives," he flustered a little, "but that didn't last very long. I mostly do plays now and occasionally the odd commercial or film part. So, you've lived in New York before?" he asked, trying to obviously change the subject from his not so successful acting career.

"Oh…yeah," Chandler swallowed, trying to push the painful emotions down that automatically started forcing their way to the surface anytime the topic of his past came up. "Yeah for several years, in fact I went to NYU and hung around after that."

"Cool," Joey nodded, seemingly interested as he took a sip of his drink, before asking the question Chandler dreaded the most, "Why'd you leave?"

* * *

 _~o Flashback o~_

"Hey man, where have you been hiding?" Kip smiled as Chandler walked into apartment 19, "Feels like I'm house-sharing with the invisible man."

"Sorry, things have been a little chaotic at work recently," he lied. He hated that he was distancing himself from Kip. He was a good roommate and had been becoming a great friend but he just couldn't keep the façade up all the time around him. He needed some time to get a hold of himself until it passed...

He just needed time because it _would_ pass.

"That sucks," Kip commented but his wide smile stayed on his face.

"Why are you so happy?" Chandler asked warily, praying the answer wasn't Monica-related, although everything seemed to be Monica-related these days. "You look like you've swallowed a coat hanger."

"Well, it's three-fold, my friend," Kip quipped as he casually chucked his magazine back onto the table. "One, my boss gave me a kick-ass raise because I helped land the company this huge client."

"Nice," Chandler nodded, briefly thinking of his little anonymous office pod where his boss didn't even know his name. He should really break out of there and find a proper job like 'accountant Kip'.

"Two, I've got the world's most gorgeous girlfriend, seriously she's smoking."

"Yeah, I've uh met her a few times," he grimaced, to which Kip just chuckled.

"And three, me and my super-brilliant _gorgeous_ girlfriend are going away for the weekend together!" he finished with flare as Chandler jolted, surprised.

"A weekend together?" he questioned, trying to sound happy for him but it was hard. Everything seemed so much harder lately, more of an effort to fake. "Isn't that a little serious?"

Kip laughed easily, standing up and clapping his shoulder, "Maybe for you and your weird commitment crap," he chuckled, "but for us _normal_ guys, a weekend isn't that big a deal. Especially, as it means a lot of guaranteed sex and sex with Monica is fricking amazing."

Chandler squeezed his eyes closed. He didn't need to know that. He'd imagined it, he'd fully suspected it but he didn't need Kip confirming it, reminding him that she had chosen the roommate and not the loser.

"Besides, it's been like a few months already," Kip pointed out, as if Chandler hadn't been there for every single painful day of this horrible relationship that was slowly destroying him. "And, I really like her. I think, ya know," he shrugged a little and Chandler prayed that he didn't know, but feared he did as his roommate looked a little uncomfortable all of a sudden. "I think I'm falling in love with her," Kip admitted, "but don't tell her alright? I'm thinking I might tell her this weekend, you know if the mood is right."

"W-wow," he swallowed, what was left of his heart breaking silently. Love? They were in love with one another? Love was serious. Permanent. That meant they weren't just messing around, they weren't going to finish this anytime soon...

"I know, isn't it crazy?" he smiled, "Anyway, I've gotta run. Monica's taking me out for a congratulatory meal to celebrate my raise."

"That's, uh awesome," he managed to get out.

"I know! Congratulatory food followed by congratulatory sex. Man, how did I get so lucky?"

"I ask the same question every day," he muttered as he watched the lucky son of a bitch make his way to the door, no doubt heading over to see Monica and have a pre-meal appetizer.

Before Kip left though, he stopped and turned towards him; Chandler raised an eyebrow in a silent query.

"Make sure you order a take out or something, buddy," he advised him, "you look like you're losing weight."

Crap. He had hoped no one would notice. If Kip noticed he'd tell Monica and then she'd get concerned and that would lead to questions.

Questions he didn't dare answer.

"Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting dinner, what with the longer hours at work," he tried to lie as casually as possible, "No biggie."

"Ok, cool, well don't wait up! It's gonna be a good night...if you know what I mean," he winked.

He threw him a fake smile as he watched the man close the door before he collapsed into the armchair, his hands covering his face as he groaned. He knew what he meant, although he wished he didn't; he wished that he was completely oblivious to everything going on around him. He couldn't believe they were in love, going away together. It wouldn't be long before they moved in together, before proposals, marriage and babies all followed. Could he get through that? Was he strong enough for what the future held? He still couldn't even cope with seeing them kiss without that damn pang of longing starting up in his chest.

It had only been three months. Three pathetic little months and yet it felt like years. It wasn't getting any easier, not at all. In fact it was only getting harder, so much harder. He found it hard to sleep, had gone off food and had little energy or enthusiasm for anything. He was hiding away cowardly at work, trying to avoid hanging out with his friends as his world slowly fell apart. Their relationship was slowly destroying him, grinding him down day by miserable day and he was becoming a shell of the carefree man he'd once been.

His feelings for Monica weren't diminishing as he desperately wished they would.

They were getting stronger and his pain greater.

How the hell was he meant to survive this?

 _~o End of Flashback o~_

* * *

"Chandler?"

"Right, sorry," he fiddled with what was left of his sandwich, composing himself and trying to remember his standard answer; his standard lie. The lie he'd practiced in order to hide the ugly truth. "A, uh job offer came up 5 years ago and I relocated."

They hadn't offered it to him. He'd been desperate. He'd been searching for any position, in any office far away from Manhattan. Once he'd found the internal advert he'd begged them to take him. His boss hadn't exactly sang his praises but with his experience and the fact he'd wanted to start immediately, the Tulsa office had agreed to try him on probation.

With no social life and a desperate need to distract himself from the guilt of what he'd done, he had thrown himself into his new work. He'd stayed late, come in stupidly early and his new boss had been pleasantly surprised. He'd smashed his probation period and it hadn't taken long to get promoted and move through the ranks.

"You seem to do that a lot, relocate, I mean," Joey frowned. "Are you back for good this time? Because finding a decent roommate is difficult and I don't wanna do all this now only for you to bail in like a year's time to go back to Tulsa or something."

He looked up and met his eyes, it was getting harder now that he actually back here, being haunted by his past memories but he had to try.

Had to try to get a life again.

"I'm back for good," he promised…hoping it was true.

He just hoped he could hack it and that his demons wouldn't catch up with him but he knew from experience that Karma could be bitch when she wanted to be.

* * *

~o _Flashback_ o~

"Hi!"

Chandler turned and tried to smile as Monica practically skipped into the bar.

"Hey, you're back," he observed as she offered him a brief hug, one he cherished.

Pulling out of the embrace, she slid onto the bar stool next to him and turned her attention to the barman, placing her usual order. She looked back at him then, her beautiful eyes bright as she bit her lip looking like she was ready to burst with excitement. He desperately didn't want to ask, desperately didn't want to know but he was her best friend. He had to.

"So, how was your trip away with Kip?" he asked, trying to take some comfort in how happy and carefree she looked. Trying to be pleased about the large smile that lit up her face because of his roommate. It was worth keeping silent about, worth the pain of himself dying slowly inside if she was this content.

Monica deserved to be happy more than anyone he knew. Despite the cost to himself.

"Amazing!" she radiated joy, her eyes shining even brighter as her whole face illuminated, "Just amazing, Chandler. God, he's just so perfect. It was really romantic and he was so sweet the entire time and made me feel so...special, you know?"

"Sure," the ever present knot in his gut tightened a little more.

He downed his drink quickly and when Chris brought over Monica's he gestured for a refill. Although he didn't like to, alcohol helped right now and as he'd quit smoking back in college, ironically for _her_ , he was now desperate for anything. Anything that would numb his feelings and help him forget how special _he_ wanted to make her feel; how _he'd_ treat her even better, how _he'd_ worship her. Anything that would help him forget how much he loved her...

"He told me he loved me," she smiled and he tried his hardest to smile back as his stomach lurched.

God it hurt so damn much. Occasionally at times he'd thought maybe he was becoming numb to his current situation, so used to the constant pain he lived with. But moments like this just proved how very wrong he was.

His drink arrived and he took a large mouthful, closing his eyes as he tried to distance himself from his emotions and let the cool liquid do its job at attempting to sooth him.

"I've never been in love before," she continued, oblivious to his inner turmoil and how her words were only adding to it. "Not like this, you know, like a grown up. It feels so incredible and he's just so, mmmm," she made this noise that Chandler tried to block out. "I can't believe I have a proper boyfriend, _me_. Finally!"

"Yeah you do!" He tried to mimic her enthusiasm as her fingers dug into his arm.

"He's just so perfect!"

That's probably what got him the most. If she was dating someone fantastic, some tall dark handsome stranger from an exotic land that she had met and fallen in love with he might have been able to accept that, get his head around it. But Kip? He wasn't anything special. He was a good guy, sure but so was Chandler. What had made her pick Kip over him? She'd known him longer, had been closer to him and yet she still had chosen Kip. He still couldn't comprehend that and it ate away at him.

"Completely perfect," she repeated.

"Yeah," he swallowed, "you may have mentioned that."

"Sorry, can you tell I'm a little over excited?" she laughed, rubbing his arm.

He loved her laugh, at least he used to; he just wished it was because of him for once and not Kip.

"Just a little," he tried to quip lightly, having more of his drink as he tried to ignore the affect her touch had on him. She was his friend. She was dating his roommate. He he get a grip on this.

Looking at the practically empty glass in his hands, he decided to finish it and order another.

"You're going a little fast there," Monica commented casually.

He shrugged, not particularly bothered, "Unlike you I had a pretty crappy weekend," Chandler muttered.

"Sorry to hear that," but she was still smiling, too caught up in her own happiness and he understood that. "Wanna head upstairs and put on a movie or something?" she offered. "Hang out like we used to? Sorry, I know we haven't had much 'us' time lately."

"It's ok," he promised, "I know you're busy with Kip."

At least when it wasn't just the two of them it was easier to hide. When there was the whole group he could get away with being a bit quieter, get away with avoiding her and withdrawing into himself. With just her she'd notice something wasn't right. Because of that he'd been purposely avoiding her. Luckily, she hadn't seemed to notice.

"Come on, Mister," she tugged at his arm.

"My drink!" he protested gesturing to the alcohol being placed in front of him.

"Chris, mind if we take this upstairs? I'll wash and bring back the glass."

"Sure, no worries," Chris shrugged already turning to the next customer.

"See, problem solved," Monica smiled sweetly at Chandler.

If only it were that simple. He allowed her to tug him out of the bar and up the stairs. He was dreading this almost as much as he was looking forward to it.

"Ok," Monica looked through the videos options. "Can I persuade you with a chick-flick?"

She looked so hopeful that he could only nod. It had always been romcoms in the past, so he could hardly argue now – it was _their_ thing. At least it used to be. He watched as she pushed the tape in and hit the play button. The VCR whirled to life as she came and snuggled into his side. She pulled the blanket from the back of the couch to cover them and settled in.

He paid little attention to the movie, focused purely on the woman in his arms, her warmth and comforting scent. He just wished she was _his_ woman. Although it probably wasn't healthy, he let himself pretend she was. Pretend for just a while that she was his girlfriend, that she was cuddled into him like this and laughing because she was happy to be with him. It helped to temporarily calm his battered soul.

About half way through the film Kip walked in, completely shattering the illusion. He joined them on the couch, sitting the other side of her and she automatically left Chandler's arms, snuggling into her boyfriend's chest. He swallowed down the large lump that had formed in his throat, instantly missing her warmth, missing her hair tickling his chin. Missing _her_.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kip kiss her hair before she tilted her face and they shared a kiss.

He didn't want to be here.

He didn't want to witness them tonight, post holiday, post 'I love yous' getting all lovey dovey on the couch.

No, he couldn't bear it. Silently he stood up from the couch.

"Chandler? Where you going?"

"Oh, I've got a few things to do tonight. I'm sure Kip will happily sit through the end of this."

"But-"

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," he dismissed quickly with what he hoped didn't sound too forced or desperate as he hurriedly retreated to his apartment.

At least with the two of them over at number 20 it meant that right now his apartment was a 'safe' zone. Somewhere he could lick his wounds and regroup. He just prayed they would stay at hers tonight.

Going straight to the bathroom he splashed cold water on his face. Why did he do this to himself? Pretending for just a second she was his just made reality even more painful. She was in love with Kip. She'd spelled that out earlier.

He stared at his sunken face in the mirror, lyrics from the unfinished movie coming to the forefront of his mind and wrapping themselves around his brain. A song that was no doubt now playing ignored in the background whilst they probably made out on the couch before the passion built up and they moved into her bedroom. The film playing forgotten to an empty living room.

Chandler watched almost detached as he opened his mouth, a quiet, sad sound escaping his lips as he murmured the lyrics that clung to his memory, _"I'll get over you I know I will..._

Pausing he swallowed hard. Could he get over this? Would he actually be able to move passed this?

He continued staring at the reflection that didn't feel like it belonged to him. His face was pale and his once bright eyes seemed dead.

 _"I'll pretend my ships not sinking..."_

Could he carry on pretending? Keep up this charade? Was he strong enough?

He swallowed again, harder, as tears started to blur his vision.

" _And_ _I'll tell myself I'm over you..."_

Would he survive if he stayed here, living like this day after day?

He was starting to doubt it.

Starting to doubt he could do this, any of this.

It was starting to look hopeless.

Impossible.

He closed his eyes, blocking out the image of the broken man before him as he choked out the final ironic line, " _B-because I am the king of wishful thinking."_

~o _End of Flashback_ o~

* * *

"So, you wanna come and check out the room?"

He hadn't expected it but the more they had talked the more he had come to like the Italian-American actor from Queens. Whilst he didn't seem the sharpest, he was likeable, easy to get on with and they had connected over quite a few random things.

"Sure," he didn't hesitate. Things were finally starting to look up and he was actually hoping that this place was half decent. If it was, then he was there.

The search would be over and he would have also found a possible friend. The small hope that bubbled through him felt a little strange. Not much had gone right for him in the last 5 years, which he fully accepted was his own fault.

They left the sandwich shop and started to walk, chatting aimlessly, easily as they dodged the Saturday crowds.

"Seven sisters?" Chandler asked surprised, "Seriously?"

"Yep," he shrugged, "I'm from a big family. I need to warn you though, if you move in you aren't allowed to _ever_ hit on any of them. You hear?"

"Sure," Chandler chuckled, "no problem there."

"Woah, don't be saying that so quickly," to Chandler's confusion Joey looked almost put out. "My sisters are very good looking. Don't be agreeing thinking it's gonna be easy to resist them."

"I've uh had my fill of falling for friend's sisters," he muttered, an uneasy feeling starting in his stomach as the streets started to get familiar. Too familiar. "So, uh, where exactly is this apartment of yours?"

"Just another block," Joey reassured and that feeling in his stomach started to increase. It was too close, too dangerous to his past. He forced his feet to keep walking. Maybe it would be far enough away? Maybe they didn't even live here anymore? Maybe they were married, moved from the city and living happily ever after.

His breathing started to quicken in anticipation, his heart hammering in his chest as they turned the corner and reached the street he'd vowed to never return to. He froze as the building that held so much importance to him finally came into view. It stood there, mocking him.

Yep, Karma was a bitch alright.

* * *

A/N- this may have been a bit flashback heavy _but_ to make up there's not a single flashback in sight for the next chapter. It's the 'present' all the way!

I'm not sure if the song worked here or not but it was Go West - The King of Wishful Thinking which doesn't belong to me...

And thanks so much for those of you leaving reviews, I'm loving hearing your thoughts and guesses!


	4. Things Have Seemed To Change

_Things have seemed to change_

* * *

"Chandler?" He blinked forcing his eyes to leave the fated apartment building and land on Joey who was looking concerned. "You ok, man?"

"S-sure," he stammered, aware that the other man was still looking critically at him. "This is, uh close to where I lived before," he swallowed, trying to get a hold of himself, "and it just threw me, I guess; I haven't been back this way yet."

"Aw," Joey nodded, clapping him on the shoulder. "It's a small world, right?"

"You could say that," he muttered.

Without permission he eyed the building again, where it loomed in the distance. Automatically his gaze went up to their windows, expecting their faces to appear, as if they had sensed he had dared to come this close. He could almost feel their eyes drilling into him or feel the barrel of a shotgun that a pissed Phoebe would no doubt aim at his head. He bit his lip in indecision, should he just bail? Just turn around and run in the opposite direction without explanation? He contemplated it for a split second before chastening himself. He wasn't like that anymore. He just had to follow Joey to wherever his apartment was, hopefully it was one of the many other buildings in sight. There were plenty of apartments around here, the New York skylines were filled with them.

Besides, fate wouldn't be _that_ cruel...right?

No, no matter how close Joey turned out to live to his ghosts, he had to go there. He'd just act normal, look around and be polite. If it was too close for comfort, then maybe he could turn him down but still try and remain friends someway. He liked the guy and god knows he hadn't found many friends in his recent years. It would be a shame to sever this potential friendship before it even started.

"You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, fine," he nodded, clearing his throat, "sorry, um...lead the way."

Joey nodded, starting to walk again and he forced himself to lift his suddenly heavy feet and follow, cringing as he headed in the direction he dreaded.

As they got closer he noticed one obvious change.

"Didn't that used to be a bar?" he asked, trying to sound casual, like he couldn't quite remember. Like the bar hadn't been his second home for the best few years of his life. Like it didn't hold so many memories, some _sooo_ good and others so damn painful that the scars still hurt.

He frowned at the coffeehouse that now took it's place. It proved things had changed, moved on and not stayed static awaiting his return like he often pictured in his mind. Life had continued without him.

"Yeah, it shut down a few years ago," Joey said easily. "Don't worry though, it's the best coffee place around. Me and my friends always hang out here."

"Really?" He cringed, he couldn't see the appeal of hanging out in one of these places. "Central Perk? I guess it's a clever name at least."

"Huh?"

Chandler frowned, "Uh, _Perk_ instead of _Park_?" he gestured in the vague direction of the park. "It's funny."

"Right," Joey suddenly looked in awe, "that's really clever; I just got it! I wonder if Gunther knows?"

Chandler just shrugged not knowing or caring who Gunther was as they got nearer to it.

"So," he asked the dreaded question, praying they'd continue walking passed it, "you live around here?"

"Yeah, sure, right here," time stood still and in slow motion he watched with dread as Joey pointed to the building in front of them.

Crap. Why? Why out of all the damn buildings in the whole of Manhattan did this guy have to live here? He knew without a shadow of a doubt he couldn't live here again but he still refused to bail. He was determined to ignore the alarm bells in his head and just get into this man's apartment quickly and then leave quickly.

"G-great," he lied, suddenly anxious to get off the street, "let's go."

It shouldn't have been so hard, but as he reached the entrance door he faltered, his hand reaching out to steady himself on the frame. This was the last place he'd seen Monica. This was the very spot he'd said goodbye to her...and she hadn't even realised it was for the last time. He closed his eyes as the pain and guilt of his betrayal, still as raw as it was five years ago ripped through him.

"You sure you're ok?"

"Sorry, yeah, I'm f-fine, just a stitch," he lied, desperately trying to get some control over himself.

Taking a couple of deep breaths he steadied himself and followed Joey inside the building. He glanced around the entrance hall, trying not to picture their final farewell and focus on the here and now. He noted it hadn't changed much in 5 years. It was still boring and bland. He winced as Joey indicated the stairs, he obviously didn't live on the ground floor as he'd hoped.

Dread and trepidation started to fill him with every step they climbed. He tried to focus on Joey, listening as he spoke about rent and bills but his head was spinning too much to be able to focus. Even the stairwell was bringing back memories he'd tried so hard to forget.

He was aware of Joey stopping, leaving the stairwell and looking up he focused on his surroundings, almost blanching when he saw where they were. That little stretch of hallway between apartments 19 and 20. His eyes darted to the step. The same step he'd sat on, his heart broken and mind crushed as he'd reached his decision to leave. His decision to abandon them all.

"So, here it is."

He blinked, grateful that it was at least apartment 19 and not the purple-walled apartment. Were the walls still purple? Had she moved on and someone else moved in? The fact that Joey and an empty room were in the boys' old apartment proved that Kip had at least moved on. Was he living with her just the other side of that green door? Or had they moved away from the city? Somewhere where they could raise their kids to ride bikes?

As Joey dug out his keys, Chandler's eyes stayed locked onto girls' old door. Monica and Phoebe's place. He'd practically lived there, feeling more comfortable there than he had his own apartment; especially on the nights Monica had stayed over with Kip. He shuddered remembering that dark time in his life.

Joey got the door open, pushing it wide and Chandler ripped his stare away from the green paint. He was about to focus on his old apartment when he heard the door open behind him. Panic ripped through him, his eyes wide, his breath caught in his throat as he spun around to face his fate.

He let out a heavy sigh when he realized it wasn't Phoebe or Monica.

"Rach, this is-" Joey started but the woman waved a dismissive hand, barely glancing at him.

She looked slightly familiar, something tugging in a corner of his already whirling mind but he couldn't place her.

"Sorry Joey, I've gotta get to work. There's some big disaster in shipping and I think Joanna may actually kill me. I need to go. Now. Talk later."

The two men watched her leave and Chandler let out another sigh. He couldn't decide if he should be relieved or disappointed. One of them had moved out…possibly both.

"That's Rachel," Joey interrupted his musings. "Despite appearances she's actually a good friend and a great neighbour."

For a moment Chandler almost asked. Almost asked who else was across the hall but he couldn't make the words leave his mouth. Instead he nodded, before squaring his shoulders and prepared himself to face his old apartment and the stacks of unavoidable memories he knew would be lurking there.

Joey gestured for him to enter and he tried to offer him a tight smile of thanks as he stepped passed him and inside apartment 19. He paused, looking around, trying to take it all in. It was weird, beyond weird. The place seemed smaller than he remembered and he noted it hadn't been redecorated. The walls were still plain but slightly less dingy than in his day. The furniture had definitely changed though; the small breakfast table he'd bought with his first paycheck was now bizarrely a foosball table; the small tv stand had been replaced with this huge media cabinet thing that blocked the bedroom doors.

It all felt so surreal.

He heard the door close behind him, trapping him in and he swallowed hard, telling himself to remain calm as fear shot through him. He could do this.

"Well this is the kitchen and living room," Joey started to give the tour and Chandler tried to nod, tried to look like he was interested as his head spun. "The bathroom's through there."

Chandler nodded, he had no desire to look in the bathroom. To look to see if the same mirror still hung on the wall above the sink. The mirror he'd watched the hope die from his eyes little by little each morning as he'd got ready for work.

Why was he here? How had this actually happened?

Joey led the way across the living room, pausing for a duck to waddle pass, just adding to the craziness level. Chandler froze suddenly as he spotted a very familiar large black and white picture adorning the wall.

"Nice, huh?" Joey commented, misinterpreting the reason for his stare. "It was here when I moved in but I think it's pretty cool."

"Yeah," he swallowed, staring at the comedy duo. "I used to own one just like it, it was given to me as a gift actually."

"See, it was meant to be," Joey laughed, moving passed him.

As he drew nearer, Chandler reached up and brought his hand to trace the surface of the picture. He knew if he took it off the wall and flipped it over he'd see her message that she'd scribbled on the back all the years ago. " _To Chandler, may you always fill this apartment with laughter, Mon x_." She'd given it to him as a housewarming. She'd found it in a thrift store and carried it home seven blocks as she'd thought it would be perfect for him.

It had been.

He'd loved it.

Loved her.

"Chandler?"

"Sorry," he tried to relax his breathing, ignoring his increasing anxiety as he forced himself away from the picture and towards where Joey was waiting. "So," he braved, "how long have you lived here?"

"About 5 years," Joey shrugged.

Ah, he had been Chandler's replacement. It felt weird. Like he was trespassing and any moment he'd get caught and exposed as the fraud he was. Maybe he would. What was he doing here? It's like he knew he should leave, knew it would only end in tragedy and yet he was strangely fascinated by it all.

"As I was saying this would be your room." Chandler blinked surprised as the man led him to his old bedroom. "You have to turn and slide…and the door is kinda in two parts right now as I had a _little_ DIY accident but it's perfectly useable."

"Right," he swallowed hard, preparing himself as he turned and slid as directed, to find himself standing within the 4 walls which felt like they were closing in around him. They knew who he was.

His eyes darted around, it was the same layout if somewhat different furniture. He couldn't believe he was standing in his old room. His eyes turned to the adjoining wall, remembering the sounds that used to crush his soul. The times he'd spent in here in the dark, headphones on as he'd tried to sleep, tears on his cheeks as the laughter and joy from the neighboring room had slowly broken him. Night after night.

He'd been wrong. This room wasn't full of memories, just nightmares. Overpowering, painful nightmares which threatened to overtake him now.

"Nice," he choked out before quickly exiting, finding himself in the old living room, next to the mocking picture.

God, what was he doing here?

"It used to be my room when I first moved," Joey starting talking unaware of Chandler's crisis. "But when my old roommate moved out I swapped."

His heart was beating painfully in his chest. He was aware he'd need to leave soon, to try and save his sanity but part of him was desperate for answers before he left. He'd risked so much already. Joey may be the only person who could fill in the gaps which he desperately needed to hear. Maybe he'd finally have some closure on his past sins.

"Why, uh why did he move out?" he tried to sound casual as if his whole being didn't revolve around the answer, but knew he was failing.

"Oh, well his kid's able to run around now so he wanted a 2 bed place for when he visits at weekends - he's divorced from the mom. Plus, he just broke up with his girlfriend who's living across the hall, so it's probably best they get a little space to sort themselves out as it's mega awkward at the moment."

Chandler jolted in surprise, his mind whirling with this sudden information. Was Monica the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? Did they have a kid together? He needed more answers. Needed to know like the air he breathed.

"You, uh said his name was Kip, right?" he tried to venture casually, wetting his lips and praying he couldn't hear how fast his heart was thumping in his chest.

"Kip?" Joey sounded surprised. "No, I mean I lived with a Kip years ago but only for like a few months before he left. Broke up with the other girl across the hall," he frowned. "Did you know him?"

There was so much information crammed into that statement to try and analyze, Monica and Kip had broken up? Five years ago? A lump formed in his throat as he tried to swallow, "Briefly", he managed to get out.

"Nah, I'm talking about my friend Ross," Joey continued not noticing the recollection on Chandler's face. "Get this, he'd been with his wife for like years and then she turns around and announces she's gay!"

"Carol's gay?" he blurted out, grimacing as Joey's eyes narrowed. The cogs slowly turning in his brain.

"You knew Carol too?"

"Briefly," he lied again. He couldn't believe they'd split. Sure they'd had troubles but he never would have guessed this. "Wait, so Ross has a kid? Ross Geller?"

That would make Monica an Auntie. She'd always wanted to be around kids, have a family.

"Yeah," Joey was getting suspicious but Chandler had to continue. Had to find out as much as he could before the pieces fell into place and he had to run.

"You said his girlfriend lived across the hall. He's dating Phoebe?" he scrunched up his face, the idea bewildering him.

"Ew no, Ross and Phoebe? No, Phoebe lives with her Grandma, I'm talking about Rachel, the one we met earlier," Joey said confused.

More pieces suddenly clicked into place for Chandler, "That was Rachel? Rachel Green? Ross finally went out with her?" He remembered his friend's hopeless crush throughout college, the inspiration behind those awful unrequited love songs they had written together.

"Wait," Joey crossed his arms, "how do you know all this stuff?"

"It doesn't matter," he shook his head briefly, he knew he'd have to leave soon. As dumb as Joey came across, if the others had shared _anything_ about him, he'd soon piece it all togather. "So," he took a breath gathering the courage to ask the vital question that burned deeply, "is Monica still across the hall?"

That was the final straw. Recognition started to fill Joey's eyes as he stared at Chandler's guilty ones.

"What did you say your last name was?" Joey demanded.

"I didn't," Chandler stated, taking one last look around the apartment, his eyes landing on the large picture for the last time. "It's a great place you have here but I don't think I'll be able to move in."

He took a hurried step towards the door.

"You can't just go!" Joey protested. "They'll want to see you."

Chandler shook his head violently, turning back to face the man he had hoped to call his friend. Joey was surprised by the amount of raw pain and emotion in the man's blue eyes

"No," Chandler said quietly but fiercely. "No they won't."

"Chandler," Joey tried but the other man strode to the door.

Chandler paused with one hand on the handle as he closed his eyes, trying to compose himself enough to say what he wanted, "Do me a favor?" he asked quietly, not turning around or waiting for a response, "Tell Monica I'm sorry, so so sorry for everything."

"Look-"

"Tell her I still regret it and think about her every damn day," he then leaned his forehead against the cool door, before straightening up and shaking his head. He opened his eyes and faced Joey. "Actually, don't tell her that last bit, ok?" he swallowed. "I don't want her to feel…just...just tell her I'm sorry."

He drew in a shaky breath before turning the handle and leaving.

Out in the hallway he took one last look at the shiny number 20. Just behind that door the woman that had haunted his dreams for five years may well be right now. Completely oblivious to the man that had abandoned her, the man that had claimed to be her best friend before just leaving her, was standing right outside.

He scrubbed a hand through his hair and down his face. His breath was coming out ragged, his heart beating rapidly as his legs started to shake. He had to get out of here. He had no right being here. No right bringing back painful memories to innocent people. With a whispered apology to the green door, he ran to the stairs, taking them as fast as he could, desperate to escape.

Out on the sidewalk, he didn't even stop to look back as he ran away.

Ran from the scene of the crime and away from his past…for a second time.

* * *

A/N - thanks for the reviews guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'd love to hear your thoughts :o)


	5. There's One Thing That's Still the Same

_There's one thing that's still the same_

* * *

Later that night Joey walked into the girls' apartment, his usual relaxed expression pensive.

"You alright, Joey?" Phoebe asked him from the couch, causing all the others to look up.

"Maybe," he frowned, "Monica, do you still have that graduation photo in you room?"

"Yeah," it was her turn to frown as she watched him walk into her bedroom. "Uh Joey?" she questioned when he didn't immediately reappear.

"What's going on with him?" Ross muttered bemused as his ex-roommate finally left his little sister's room, a death-grip on the photoframe in his hands.

"It was him!"

"Who?" Rachel asked annoyed at the guessing games. "Joey what are you talking about?"

He swallowed, turning to face Monica, "I met Chandler."

The blood drained from her face, shocked she stayed rooted to the couch as Ross and Phoebe rushed over to Joey.

"What?"

"You're serious?" Ross asked, taking the photo from him and pointing at the image of the smiling young man whose arm was over Monica's shoulders, "This Chandler?"

"Yeah," he nodded, wetting his lips as he threw a worried glance towards Monica. She remained frozen, unmoving as she tried to process the enormity of this unexpected news.

"Where?" Phoebe asked. "How?"

"I bumped into him, we got chatting," Joey said a little uneasy.

"Wait!" Rachel stood up, coming to join them, " _He_ was that guy you were with at your apartment earlier?"

"He was _here_ here?" Ross asked surprised, his voice going up a squeaky octave. "Like in the _apartment_ here?"

"Monica?" Phoebe asked gently, noticing her friend remained silent, "Are you ok?"

She nodded slowly as everyone's eyes fell on her. They all knew how hard she had taken Chandler leaving; it had completely broken her, crushed her. Sure, at the time it was only Ross and Phoebe but Joey had arrived on the scene only shortly after and Rachel had heard the stories. It was a pain that had never truly left her.

"Why would he come back?" she asked softly, unconsciously pulling herself into a comforting self-hug.

"He said he was relocating for work," Joey informed her quietly as they all gathered around the couch, around Monica. He perched on the coffee table as the girls flanked either side of her and Ross sat on the floor. "Said he'd moved back from Tulsa."

"Tulsa?" Ross frowned, no wonder they'd never found him in Manhattan.

"Joey," Monica met his eyes straight on, "tell us everything, please."

Joey studied her a moment before eventually nodding and telling them the story of his afternoon. "He said to tell you he was sorry, Monica," he decided not to share the other bit with her just yet. This seemed enough for her to deal with right now.

She closed her eyes, trying to fight her tears, unable to believe that the man she had prayed for a chance to see again was back.

"It's a good job Rachel bumped into you guys and not me," Phoebe commented. "I would have skinned him alive for what he did."

"Yeah," Ross agreed, "I would have seriously hurt him."

He glared at Rachel's snorted, "Yeah right."

"I would have," he protested. "I would have given him a piece of my mind for what he did to us. He's got no right coming back here and upsetting people," he gestured towards his sister.

But Monica shook her head, that's not what she wanted.

"No," she whispered.

"Monica, he just took off, he didn't even say goodbye; he's a total jerk."

"Please don't call him that," she swallowed.

"Why not?" Ross protested, still hurt by his former best friend's actions all those years ago. "We trusted him. He was one of our best friends, he was family and he just abandoned us. Just like that. Like we were nothing to him...how can you stand up for him?"

Her gaze fell to her hands now in her lap as she found the courage to face her memories and reveal a secret she'd been keeping. She needed to make them understand.

"Because...it's my fault he left," she finally admitted quietly.

"What?" Ross asked confused after a beat, "How is it your fault?"

Monica swallowed, shaking her head sadly, "There's something I never told you," her eyes flickered to Phoebe and Ross before going back to the floor, "any of you."

"What?" Phoebe probed, her brow furrowed deeply.

She took a deep breath, trying not to be consumed by the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm her, "He left all because of me."

Her whispered confession was met with silence for a moment as tears started to fill her eyes.

"What do you mean?" Rachel finally asked concern for her friend clear in her voice, "Mon?"

* * *

~o _Flashback_ o~

"Hey," came the soft voice behind her, causing her to jump slightly.

"Hey," she smiled brightly before frowning as she noticed it wasn't returned, "are you ok?"

"Sure, you know me and my love for the holidays," Chandler shrugged stiffly.

"I thought you didn't mind Christmas?" she tried to tease. "It was just Thanksgiving you boycotted."

"Potato, puh-tar-to," he offered a quick hint of a smile which didn't reach his eyes.

She wished she knew what was going on with him.

"So, you looking forward to seeing your mom over the break?" she tried after a moment of silence.

"Ye-ah," he looked a little uncomfortable.

"You all packed ready?"

A shadow crossed over his face, his features darkening for a brief moment.

"Chandler? You sure you're ok?" she asked, abandoning her suitcase to walk over to him. She stood in his personal space, her eyes full of compassion as her hands came to rest on his warm t-shirt. "You haven't been yourself lately."

He shrugged a little awkwardly before stepping out of her hold, "I'm fine."

"Chandler-"

"Seriously Mon, I'm good," he clearly lied. "When are you guys heading out to your parents? Are you nervous about Kip meeting them?"

"Don't think I don't recognize a change in topic for what it is," she said lightly, though a smile crept onto her face just thinking about the upcoming holiday. "I can't believe I finally have a boyfriend to introduce to my folks! For once my mom won't be able to give me the usual 'single at Christmas?' conversation!" Her eyes sparkled and she missed the way Chandler looked down to the floor. "It's going to be sooo good. For once I can't actually wait to get over there!"

He swallowed hard, nodding. "So when are you leaving?"

She glanced at her watch, an early present from Kip, "Kip went and got the car and picked up Ross and Carol, so will be on his way back here any minute. Wanna help me with my bags? I might as well meet them downstairs. Hey, you could wave me off!" she teased.

They were only gonna be apart for 3 days...

"Sure," his voice was a little rough and again she watched with a critical eye as he picked up both bags.

"You're sure you're ok?"

"Never been better," he muttered.

"Chandler!"

"I'm fine," he promised, meeting her eyes. She could see so much going on in them and it confused her. He used to be so easy to read. "Come on you have a car to catch."

"Fine," she gave him one last long look, "but if you aren't smiling by New Years then I'm taking drastic measures, Mister."

It took him a long moment to answer, "I'll consider myself warned."

With that he hurriedly carried the bags out of the apartment.

Monica caught up with him on the stairs and silently they descended them. When they reached the apartment entrance Chandler paused and placed the bags down. She looked at him curiously for a moment before looking through the glass door. She couldn't see them yet.

"Wanna grab a quick drink while we wait?" She gestured to the usual bar, hoping he might open up a little but Chandler shook his head.

"No."

"Ok..," she frowned.

"Mon…" he was struggling to get his words out and her frown deepened as she stroked an arm reassuringly.

"What is it?"

"As it's, uh, Christmas, I just wanted to…t-thank you."

"Thank me?" her face screwed up in confusion. "For what? The gift I bought you wasn't that good!"

The corner of his mouth curled up briefly but she could tell he was taking a rare serious moment, "Really, I wanted to thank you for being such a good friend to me over the years," he insisted.

"Backatcha," Monica started with a smile but he shook his head as if she wasn't getting it.

"No, I'm serious, you're the best friend I've ever had," he swallowed, "the best best person I've ever known and I wanted you to know I really appreciate it…everything."

It was weird him being so serious, so sincere, she wasn't used to it. She wanted to break the moment and remind him she was only going for a few days but he seemed to need her sincerity.

"As long as you know the same goes for me," she offered with an honest expression.

"Thanks," he swallowed hard, "I…"

He seemed lost for words, an inner battle going on within him. She waited for him to continue, to explain, when out of nowhere he leaned forwards and softly pressed his lips to hers. Surprised, her eyes fluttered closed automatically as time seemed to stand still as his lips softly caressed hers. It felt amazing, beautiful. He went to pull away but she didn't let him, knowing she wasn't ready for whatever this was to finish as she followed him and recaptured his lips. She'd never felt like this from a kiss before, not even with Kip. Her hand came up to the back of his head, interlacing with the soft strands, the other gripped his shoulder as she held onto him, letting the kiss deepen.

Eventually she pulled away, her breath coming out fast as her eyes studied him in shock.

She hadn't expected that...or her reaction to it.

"Merry Christmas, Monica," he said softly, gesturing to the mistletoe hung by the building door.

She nodded almost in a daze, touching her lips in confusion as her eyes stayed lock onto his, seeing things she'd never seen before. Things she shouldn't see in her best friend's eyes. That was more than a friendly Christmas kiss.

"Chandler, I-"

A horn blasted a few times and they turned to see Kip, Carol and Ross waving excitedly at them from their rental car. Chandler gave them a small wave, his eyes lingering on them longer than they should before he swallowed and refocused on her once again. He was staring at her, studying her with his intense gaze.

She frowned, still so confused. She was with Kip. She shouldn't have reacted like that, shouldn't have kissed Chandler back like that. Shouldn't have felt what she did...what she _still_ did.

"I love you," he said earnestly, his hand briefly cupping her cheek, his fingers lightly grazing her skin, "I want you to know that. I...take care of yourself, Mon."

He stared at her for another moment before ripping his eyes away. He took a step back, composing himself before he turned and hurried back up the stairs.

"Yeah, you too," Monica swallowed, watching him disappear before shaking her head; unable to shake off the unnerving feeling that had started in the pit of her stomach.

~o _End of Flashback_ o~

* * *

"You guys kissed?" Phoebe asked surprised that she was only finding this out now. "Did you tell Kip? Is that why you guys broke up?"

"Wait," Ross interrupted, shaking his head, "I still don't get how this is your fault? So you shared a Christmas kiss, big deal. We know he'd planned it all weeks before he left."

"You don't get it," Monica told him quietly, "he didn't just love me...he was _in_ love with me."

The room went silent for a moment as all of them took in this revelation.

" _In_ love with you?" Phoebe asked slowly, as if trying to fit this new information into her past memories.

"Yeah," she swallowed, "I didn't even realize. I was meant to be his best friend and I didn't even realize that he felt that way. And to make it worse I started to date his roommate," her voice started to crack, "I used to confide in him all sorts of stuff that must have killed him."

"Being in love with someone when they don't feel the same way hurts," Ross agreed, his eyes briefly flickered to Rachel. "But it doesn't excuse what he did, running away, ditching us. He should have just told us."

"Who?" Monica asked annoyed, "you're my brother, Kip was my boyfriend, Phoebe was my roommate. He had no one to go to Ross, no one," a few more tears escaped and she scrubbed at them fiercely. "He was on his own and he couldn't escape it. We were there, together, every morning, every evening, every night…it must have been destroying him."

Everyone exchanged looks, starting to understand.

"I think it still is," Joey said, before grimacing as Monica sharply looked up and locked her intense gaze with his.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

He pulled a face, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut.

"Joey, please."

"Ok," he sighed, "when he left, he said to tell you he was sorry, you specifically," he swallowed and she nodded, sensing there was more. "He also said to tell you he regretted leaving and thinks about you every day."

"Oh god," Monica started crying, grateful as her friends pulled her in for a tight hug. She hated that it was still hurting him. Still torturing him. He didn't deserve that.

"Monica," Rachel spoke softly, starting to understand her friends' strong emotions, "were you in love with him too?"

"I didn't realize it," she confessed softly, "not when he was still with us. But after that kiss I started thinking, I was confused all over Christmas, debating whether I should talk to him about it. Then when we'd discovered he'd gone, I started to miss him so much that it slowly dawned on me. Kip figured it out to some extent," she answered Phoebe's previous question.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Rachel pointed out, her eyes falling on Ross for a moment.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Ross asked.

"Because, I was in denial," she admitted, chewing a nail. "I was so sure that he was going to come back. Tell us all it was a prank and that he'd be really embarrassed if you all knew. Then as time went on I didn't want to give you another reason to hate him," she looked at her brother. "Then we started to talk about him less and less and it seemed silly to open up healing wounds."

"Yours never healed," Phoebe pointed out softly. "I wished you'd told me."

"Sorry," Monica swallowed, "Look, we have to find him," she announced. "I need to talk to him, I think we all do." Ross still looked a little cynical so she continued, "He was one of our best friends and he was hurting and made the wrong choice. We miss him and he misses us. Let's not over-complicate this. Let's find him and bring him back home where he belongs."

Her pleading blue eyes turned to each of them and in turn each nodded, wanting to help their friend...friends.

"Ok, but where do we even start?" Rachel asked. "New York is a big place and if he wants to stay hidden it will be difficult to find him."

"Did he give away anything?" Monica asked Joey, "Back in the sandwich shop when he didn't know who you were? Did he give any clues?"

"Um," Joey scrunched up his face in thought, "he works in an office?"

"That doesn't help," Rachel grated.

"He wants to go to a Knicks game?"

"Along with a few thousand other people." Phoebe commented, "Next."

"Um, he's staying at a hotel? I'm sorry," he noticed their faces, "I didn't pay too much attention at first. I was eating a sandwich."

"Come on think!" Monica pleaded, "Anything?"

Joey shook his head, "I learned a bit about where he grew up, that he's an only child, bits and pieces about Tulsa," he winced, "look he didn't say anything specific. I really am sorry."

Monica closed her eyes, sighing heavily in defeat, "We have to find him," she whispered, remembering speaking the same words 5 years ago and remembering their feelings of desperation and failure 5 years ago.

"We will," Phoebe promised, squeezing her shoulder. "There's 5 of us and 1 of him, he stands no chance."

Monica merely nodded, trying not to think of the millions of people in Manhattan and the number of hiding places. If he didn't want to be found then it wouldn't be easy but now that she knew he was back in New York, nothing was gonna stop her.

She would find him.

She had to.

* * *

A/N - I hope you enjoyed seeing the gang and getting to see things from their POV. Again, thank you so much for the lovely reviews - they're a great motivation to keep writing :o)


	6. In My Heart You Have Remained

_In my heart you have remained_

* * *

Chandler stood in the doorway of a darkened building, just staring across the street at the large illuminated window of Central Perk. His sharp eyes followed every person that hurried passed it. He didn't know why he was here, again. He didn't know why he'd come here on his way home from the office each and every night for two weeks, playing some weird game of chicken with himself to see just how close to the building he could get each time. How close he could get and how long he could stand being around here until he lost his nerve and bottled it.

Maybe he just enjoyed torturing himself?

He held his breath as the coffee shop door opened, anxiously waiting to see if she emerged but it wasn't her, it never was. Instead some random couple he didn't recognize left; it was always strangers he saw. He never risked stalking the place for long, just 5-10 minutes at the most. It was too dangerous, much too dangerous.

Joey must have told them by now and if he had then they all knew he was back in the city. What if they were looking for him? Looking to make him pay for his past sins and put his head on a spear? No, he couldn't dare stay for too long. Although, admittedly he stayed in the office later than most sane people, it still wasn't particularly late. He didn't know where they worked anymore, or what their work-patterns were. He didn't know which route they came home or what time.

No, he couldn't be around this area for long.

Yet as much as he knew that, a part of him still desperately needed to come back here each night in the small hope that he'd see her. Even if from a distance. He just _needed_ to see her. After 5 years of being consumed with thoughts of her, after coming back and being so close to her and being surrounded by memories; now every fiber of his being just craved one look at her. Just a glimpse of her perfect face, that raven hair and those beautiful blue eyes, which he could still picture so vividly.

He just wanted to see her so badly that it actually hurt, a deep longing aching in his chest. Maybe in his dreams he imagined seeing her and calling out to her. She would then smile in amazement and run up to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as she pressed her lips to his and kissed him again and again...

Chandler squeezed his eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and stop the traitorous thoughts. It wasn't going to happen like that. She was never going to be able to forgive him and he didn't deserve her to. And letting himself imagine she would, imagining she'd be over the moon about his shameful return wasn't going to help anything.

The reality was she'd want nothing to do with him.

And if he had to face that harsh reality, face his former friends' bitter hatred, it would squish that tiny bit of hope he'd foolishly clung onto to all this time. The one small ray of light which was the only thing that had kept him going at times in the dark and lonely world that he'd created for himself.

He wasn't ready to completely let go of that yet.

No, it was better not knowing, not seeing them. Any of them.

It was better not putting them through it all again.

They didn't deserve it.

He'd made his bed and had to lie in it.

With a sad sigh he dug into his jacket pocket, pulling out the ever-constant cigarette packet. Placing one between his lips and lighting it, he inhaled the first fumes as he stared at the window, allowing his eyes to have their final fill before his shoulders slumped and he walked away.

* * *

"A newspaper ad?" Rachel asked clearly unconvinced.

"Well have you got a better idea?" Monica asked annoyed, it had been over 3 weeks now and they were no closer to finding him. "It's not like we can put his face on a milk carton!"

"Oooh you should so do the milk carton thing!" Phoebe acclaimed pointing her finger at her. "That's a great idea."

"No it isn't," Rachel protested between gritted teeth, "it's a stupid idea. He's not a lost child. He's a grown man…one who is choosing to hide away."

"He's scared," Monica said quietly, getting ready to defend him once again, knowing full well where this conversation was heading.

"I know, sweetie," Rachel came around the kitchen table to take her hands, Phoebe the other side, "but it's been over 3 weeks. 3 weeks! If he wanted to get back in touch he would have. He knows you're still here and hasn't come back. I mean, what if he's left Manhattan already? Maybe he got too close, got spooked and headed back to Tulsa or God knows where?"

"I can't think like that," Monica admitted quietly, shaking her head, "I have to believe he's still here somewhere…waiting for us to find him."

"We aren't playing some game of hide and seek," Rachel insisted, wishing her roommate would buy a clue, "he's deliberately staying away, Monica, deliberately avoiding you like he has the last 5 years." She sighed sadly studying her friend, "I know you wanna see him, really wanna see him but have you considered that…maybe he doesn't want to see you? That maybe he drew a line under everything all those years ago, like you should have done?"

Monica shook her head frustrated, "You don't understand."

"We know you want to find him," Phoebe joined in. "We all want to find him and we'll keep looking, I promise, but maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up, Mon?"

"I don't have a choice," she confessed quietly. "I _need_ to see him, I can't just give up on him."

"He gave up on you," Rachel commented gently and Monica could feel tears burning the back of her eyes as she shook her head once again.

Why couldn't they get it?

"No, he gave up on himself," she corrected. "Look if I made the same mistake he did, went a little crazy for a moment, I'd like to think you guys would support me. And if you went through a hard time that got too much and you broke down? I wouldn't desert you. You guys are my best friends and Chandler is too. He _needs_ us, all of us and I know you don't really know him Rachel but he's a damn good guy, one of the best men I know.

"I let him down," her voice cracked a little as she continued. "I knew something was bringing him down, that something wasn't right but I was too caught up in my own relationship that I ignored it. I'm as guilty as he is."

Rachel squeezed her hand before pulling her into a one-armed hug, "I hope we find him Monica, I do and I'm sorry if we don't sound supportive. We are, we're all behind you…we just don't want to see you get hurt again."

"Especially after last time," Phoebe added.

"I hardly survived the last time he left," Monica admitted, remembering the dark place she'd gone to, "and I can't let him leave for a second time because I don't think I will get through it, not again. I just need to see him, to talk to him. I really just wish I knew where he was."

That's one of the things that killed her the most. The not knowing.

"What if you see him and talk to him and he still leaves or hurts you or-?"

"It's a risk I have to take," Monica said firmly, "I don't know what's gonna happen _when_ we find him, but I can't focus on that right now. I have to focus on finding him and the rest we'll sort out when he's here, when he's back with us."

She couldn't tell them that she'd thought of all kinds of scenarios, couldn't tell them how she longed for him to fall into her arms and just kiss away the pain of the last 5 years. To kiss away the scars and just start a new future together.

As each day went by though, it was that little bit harder to hold onto the faith…

* * *

Chandler sighed heavily, scrubbing a hand over his tired face as he stared at the numbers in front of him to the point where they started to blur. They just weren't making any sense. Annoyed he threw the documents back onto the desk and squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. He just had to focus here. Get his mind off thoughts of Monica and focus on his damn job.

"I was going to ask if you've found the problem, but I'll save my breath."

Wearily he opened his eyes and took in his receptionist with a glare, "Did you want something?"

"You in a better mood?" she mumbled as Chandler narrowed his eyes. He didn't envy the woman. He'd hate to work for him right now too. He'd already gone through 2 receptionists since his return to New York. He hadn't even bothered learning this one's name. "Um, well it's gone 6.30pm," she pointed out, "and I was meant to finish an hour and a half ago but as this is important I'll stay until you're done."

"Thanks," he offered her a small glimpse of a smile in surprise, "I, uh appreciate that. It may be a long one though."

"Great," she muttered before speaking a little louder, "It's alright, sir, I know the big deadline is coming up. Can I actually help with anything? Besides getting you another cup of coffee…or Yoohoo?"

"Maybe," he eyed her thoughtfully, "you know much about this stuff?" He had no idea of her background.

"Enough," she shrugged, "send across the ones you've looked at and I'll cross-check them to see if I can spot any typos or anything that doesn't fit the expected UC2 configuration profile."

"O-k," he nodded, somewhat impressed, "thanks."

"Not a problem."

He emailed across the files to her and continued scowling at his documents, still not sure what wasn't balancing. The answer had to be here somewhere- spreadsheets didn't lie, it was one of the reasons he liked them. He continued staring at the figures trying to will them to change and add up.

He heard the elevator ping faintly in the background and he briefly wondered if it was cleaners or if some other poor sod was stuck here as well. Hearing voices close by, he frowned, debating if he should stick his head out to see what was going on or not. However, before he got the chance a small child came barrelling into his office.

Chandler blinked in surprise.

"Hi!" the blonde haired, blue eyed child grinned cheekily, running up to his desk.

"Hi," Chandler frowned, he wasn't particularly good with kids. Avoided them like the plague usually. The kid stared at him a moment before standing on tiptoe to see what he could get a hold of from Chandler's desk, his little chubby fingers reaching for the stapler, "Um…."

"Ben!"

Both heads snapped up at the sound of the voice. Chandler froze recognizing the face and voice within seconds and knowing he was trapped, busted. There was no escape. This was how it ended. Not through the daily risks he took of going near the old apartment building or stalking Central Perk...no, it was in the safety of his own office.

She hadn't looked up at him yet, her attention still fully on 'Ben' but he held his breath waiting.

Any second now and it would all be over...

"I'm sorry," she started, after checking the child hadn't come to any harm in his office, "he's over-tired and-" she looked up and stopped short, jolting in surprise before her eyebrows knitted together in utter confusion, "Chandler?"

He swallowed heavily as he slowly stood, his hand out of habit coming to nervously flatten down his tie as he met her shocked eyes.

"Hey Carol."

* * *

A/N - Sorry for the cliff hanger but I couldn't resist stopping it here ;o) Thanks for the amazing reviews- you guys are just awesome!


	7. And We Can Fly Away

_And we can fly fly fly away..._

* * *

Chandler stood there, stunned.

Carol stood there, equally stunned.

He stared at her and she stared right back.

Slowly his eyes took in his former friend's former wife, his mind instantly taking him back to their last ever conversation...

* * *

 _~o Flashback o~_

"Kip! Stop it!"

Chandler couldn't help it, automatically his eyes landed on the flirting pair. Watching through the crowds of people as his roommate happily kissed her neck, his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her back against him as he chuckled into her ear. Chandler swallowed hard, quickly looking away. Despite the loud party music, his ears seemed tuned into them, vividly hearing every horny whispered promise.

He hated this.

He got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen area grabbing another bottle of beer and taking a much needed swig. He prayed the alcohol would kick in fast, he desperately needed it to in order to get through tonight's hell.

Every night was hell.

"Hey."

Chandler looked up at the voice and offered Carol a half smile, "Hey."

"You look as miserable as I feel," she stated, grabbing herself a bottle from the counter.

He shrugged a shoulder and looked back at the light-hearted party goers, his gaze once again falling on the happy couple. Pain shot through his gut as he watched them slowly kiss, their hands travelling up and down each others bodies.

Ripping his eyes away, he instead focussed on the bottle in his hands.

"I'm allowed to be miserable."

"No you aren't," she chuckled, "these are _your_ friends. I'm the 'plus one' here, I'm the one that's allowed to be bored and looking at her watch."

He offered her a small grin, "To be honest I've no clue who most of these people are," he admitted his eyes scanning the guests of apartment 20. "They must be friends of friends and all my friends are…otherwise occupied," he muttered as his eyes landed back on the practically humping pair.

"Oh I get it," Carol chuckled, following his gaze, "are you upset because Kip stole Monica from you?"

"What?" he blinked in surprise, his head instantly snapping towards her.

She frowned, a little taken aback by his reaction.

"I just meant that she's not free to play with you anymore." He threw her another look, "You and Monica have been best friends for ages, despite what Ross says I know it's always you two that hang out together and you're very close to one another. I just wondered if you were bummed out because you aren't getting to spend as much time with her now she has a boyfriend."

"Oh," he swallowed quickly, fiddling with his bottle label as he tried to calm himself. He could feel her still looking at him, still studying him. "Right, yeah, that's uh it."

"Right," she echoed him but she sounded like she was putting the pieces of the forbidden puzzle together and he couldn't let her. If she knew she'd tell her husband who would hate him. He would confront him and Monica would find out, and then Kip would find out and Phoebe and they'd all hate him.

"Chandler…" her voice was filled with pity…which was worse than the hate.

"So where's Ross?" he said quickly changing the subject, "I haven't seen much of him tonight."

She continued to stare at him for a few beats before sighing, "Me neither," she said, seeming to let the discussion drop, for now at least. "He's spent most of the night talking to museum geeks," she pulled a face.

"You're the one that married one," he joked lamely.

"Chandler," she tried again and recognizing the tone he shook his head instantly, cutting her off.

"You've got it wrong," he said firmly, "very wrong. Now if you excuse me."

He didn't wait for her permission, he quickly moved away from her and tried to join in another group. He could still feel her watching him, her eyes burning into him but refused to look in her direction. But if he looked in the other direction there was Kip and Monica still going for it as if they weren't surrounded by all these people.

Chandler closed his eyes, raising the tepid beer to his lips as he felt himself starting to get warm, very warm. Why was it so hot in here? So stuffy? Someone barged passed him, causing him to stumble slightly. The room was definitely getting hotter, suddenly smaller and the music louder; the fast beat of the bass echoing through him, uncomfortably speeding up his pulse. There were swarms of people all around him, the stagnant air hot and suffocating.

He suddenly felt claustrophobic.

He had to escape.

He started to push his way through people, he needed air, freedom.

"You alright, Chandler?" Monica. Blocking his path. Her hot hand branding his already too hot arm as she held him in place. Stopping him leaving; he needed to leave. "Chandler?" she was looking at him funny.

He nodded, not answering as he tried to move pass her, it didn't work.

"You sure you're alright, buddy?" Kip asked with a frown, "You don't look so hot. Unlike Monica here," his roommate chuckled, pulling her closer to him and further away from Chandler.

"Fine," he managed to choke out although his throat was seizing up, making it hard to get any air into his lungs.

Panic started to rise in him as he struggled to breathe, his skin going clammy and head starting to pound.

He had to get away from them.

Get away from here.

Now.

He managed to pull away from her, stumbling slightly. He saw Carol making her way over to him concerned but he managed to somehow move quicker, out of the door and into the safety of his own apartment.

He staggered over to the window, his hands fumbling with the handle before finally throwing it open. He closed his eyes as the cool air hit his flushed skin. He focused on his breathing, trying to calm himself and to get his fear to disperse. Eventually the adrenaline slowly started to ebb and he sat on the wooden window frame, leaning his head against the cool glass as his heart started to calm and his breathing evened out.

What the hell was that?

He'd spent the last few months trying to get a grip on this. He'd hoped and prayed that with time it would ease off. That some part of him would accept that she was happy with Kip and that he should be thrilled that she was happy. That he should be grateful that she was in his life, even as just a friend.

But he had to stop kidding himself. It wasn't getting any better, it was getting worse. A lot worse. And he wasn't getting stronger, he was growing weaker, day by miserable day. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve this but he just knew he couldn't go on like this.

It was time to dig out the white flag, wave it feebly in the air and surrender.

Mercy.

Suddenly the apartment door banged open, letting the party music invade into his quiet solace. He opened his eyes, slamming them shut again as he saw Kip press Monica against the kitchen island, kissing her deeply, hands everywhere as he tugged at her top. He could hear her loud groan and he swallowed hard.

He couldn't deal with this tonight…any night. It was damn clear he wasn't dealing with it period.

He just wasn't keeping it together anymore and people were starting to notice. He couldn't let that happen. The mask was crumbling, no longer doing it's job. Every minute of his life was now a struggle. Waking up to see her sat in his kitchen in Kip's shirt, her long smooth legs wrapped around his waist as she fed him toast. Constantly listening to her and then Kip saying how great their relationship was, sharing all these little intimate details that were killing him one by one. Seeing them together all evening, not getting to spend time with her. Then getting to finish the day hearing their laughter and good times through his bedroom wall.

Each day he was just going through the motions and now he could barely do that. He wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating. This wasn't living. If anything this was self-destruction and he couldn't keep it up for much longer.

He'd tried ignoring it, tried getting passed it, tried distancing himself but it hadn't worked, nothing had worked. Now there was only one coping mechanism he had left, one that he'd learned from his parents. When things got tough…walk.

Run.

Leave.

As Monica moaned again a coldness started to fill his veins as realization slowly dawned. He had to leave. Permanently.

Silently he stood up, walking pass the amorous couple quickly and slamming the door before he sat on the step between their apartments taking a deep breath. Could he do it? Really just leave? Closing his eyes he listened to the muted party music in one ear and their muted laughter in the other as the coldness continued to spread.

Could he actually stoop that low? Just abandon them? Walk out of their lives and never return?

Did he have a choice? If he told them they would force answers out of him, try and make him stay. But if he stayed this would destroy him...it already was.

He had to do this.

Actually had to do this.

He heard a door open, the music blasting out violently and he cracked open a heavy eye, watching as his friend's wife closed the door and sat next to him on the step.

"Are you ok?" Carol eventually asked.

"Been better," he admitted quietly, "but I'm ok."

And he would be.

The fear was turning into coldness, the coldness transforming to numbness. Numbness was already starting to mask the pain that had been bringing him down for so long. The weight was gently lifting from his frail shoulders. His decision was slowly spreading a calmness over him, a calm that his soul hadn't felt for months as he realized an end was in sight.

"You seemed in a rush to get out of there…"

"Yeah," he wet his lips, trying to ignore the enormity of what was going on inside his head. "I think I'd had too much to drink."

"Please, I remember the amount you drank at graduation."

A corner of his lip curved up for a brief moment but he remained silent.

"Are you sure you're ok?" she asked kindly, "I know I'm not in your little friend group but I am your friend. You were the best man at my wedding, I've known you as long as I've known Ross and Monica. You can talk to me."

Chandler swallowed shaking his head, he couldn't tell her this, it would get to Ross and then Monica... Not that it mattered now anyhow. He didn't need to talk to anyone. He had an out, his escape.

"Thanks, but really I'll be just fine."

She ran a critical eye over him and he shrugged a shoulder, hoping that his new clarity made him appear like he felt, lighter, freer than he had in months. It must have as she finally nodded, standing up.

"Ok, good," she offered him a rueful grin. "So are you rejoining the 'fun' or staying out here on your own?"

"I'm good on the step," he grinned back. "But, if anyone asks I've hooked up with someone hot."

"Chandler!"

"Make that smoking hot," he winked and she smiled.

"Deal, I'll see you later."

He nodded as she left him alone on the step. He stared at the closed door, pondering her words. Would he see her again? Or would he be long gone by then? How long would it take to escape this nightmare? To start a new life and forget about the pain that unrequited love caused?

As more loud noises came from inside his apartment, he knew one thing for sure- he had made his decision. It was the only thing to have felt right since Monica had chosen his roommate.

He had to leave.

And had to leave soon, whilst there was still enough of him to rebuild.

 _~o End of Flashback o~_

* * *

"Everything alright?" Susan asked walking into her boss' office, noticing the strange tension immediately. "Carol?" she questioned, placing her hand on her wife's arm, shooting a quick look to her boss then back to her, "You ok?"

"I can't believe it," Carol said, still in a daze, staring at Chandler. "It's really you. Ross mentioned you'd come back but..."

"Mommy!" Ben tugged at both Carol and Susan's pants.

"I've got him," Susan assured, scooping the child up. "Come on, Ben, let's give them some time to talk. You can show me what you did today."

Chandler watched them leave and the door firmly close behind them.

They were alone.

He was face to face with his past.

He didn't feel prepared for this, wasn't ready for such an important discussion.

Carol seemed to shake herself out of her shock enough to speak, "I can't believe you're actually here," she admitted, taking the seat beside his desk, her eyes still fixed on him intently.

"Surprise," he said weakly as he slowly retook his own seat. So many thoughts were crashing around his mind as his past and present finally met, finally collided into each other and like a car heading towards a cliff without its brakes he could only watch helpless. He had no idea what was going to happen now. He studied her a moment before summoning the courage he needed to ask, "So, I guess the first question is how much do you hate me?"

"What? No," she shook her head, seemingly surprised by the question. "I don't hate you, Chandler but you really hurt them though." He closed his eyes, not wanting to hear the painful truth. "When we got back after Christmas and you were just gone, I.. Ross was...dumbfounded, couldn't comprehend it. It really hurt him, really confused him that you could do that to him. He was so...devastated, no one saw it coming and he was shocked and..." she trailed off, lost for words.

Chandler shook his head roughly, not ready for this. It hurt too much to hear. He'd left them, he was scum, but he'd done it for their own good as well as his own. They deserved better than him, always had.

"Yeah, well," he swallowed, "I'm sure he wasn't exactly thrilled to hear about you being gay and all." He winced, he hadn't meant for it to sound like that, so harsh, hadn't wanted to try and start a fight. "Carol-" he tried to apologize but she shook her head.

"That's not fair. I told him face to face," she defended immediately, "I was honest with him as soon as I was honest with myself. Something you would know if you had been there," her emotions from years ago coming to the surface. "I didn't lie to him or do it on purpose. God, Chandler, divorce is so horrible and he needed your support...and you weren't there," she swallowed.

He swallowed too.

"I know," Chandler admitted quietly, "Sorry, I didn't mean to..." he glanced down, scrubbing a hand through his hair, "I _should_ have been there. I wish I could have been but I wasn't. I was a dumb kid, an idiot and made a stupid mistake, which believe me I hate myself for. But I can't change what I did. It's done now."

Carol studied him.

"You could have contacted one of them over the years," she said quietly, her tone not accusing. "To at least let them know you were ok. They didn't know what had happened to you, the not knowing tore them apart."

"I couldn't get back in contact," he dismissed sadly, not mentioning the few times he had called that first year. Every time he clicked off without a word spoken. "No, not after what I did to them. They needed to forget about me and the pain I cause people."

Carol stared at him, shaking her head, "I still can't believe I found you. I can't imagine their faces when I tell them-"

"No!" Chandler said abruptly. "You can't tell them you've seen me, can't let them know I'm here."

She shook her head, "They need to know, they deserve to know. I can't agree to that, you can't ask me to do that"

"I can and I have," he said, an edge creeping into his voice.

"You can't stop me," Carol pointed out, not liking his tone.

"Maybe not," he agreed quietly, "but I can control whether Susan has a job tomorrow…" he left the threat hanging but Carol let out a frustrated growl.

"Oh grow up," she exploded. "You aren't a jerk Chandler. You never were, so stop pretending you are."

He sighed, dropping his head and closing his eyes.

"I've changed a lot since you last saw me," he admitted quietly. "I'm not the kid you knew from college. I'm a complete and utter bastard that abandoned my best friends, they didn't do anything to deserve it, I just walked out on them…"

"From what I hear you had a good reason."

He froze, his eyes snapping open and nervously meeting hers, "W-what?"

Did they all know? Had they known all these years?

She swallowed, ducking her head as if she hadn't meant to reveal that, "We all know," she admitted softly. "And she's dying to talk to you Chandler. You have to see her, have to meet up with her, you owe her that much".

He sighed, pulling away from her intense gaze. He remained silent for a while, when he finally did speak it was barely above a whisper, "I owe her a lot more than that."

"Then stop hiding," she spoke just as gently. "Prove you've changed, prove you're sorry and stop putting her through this. You have the power to end it for her."

"Its not as easy as that," he confessed as the insecurities he'd been carrying around for five years pushed their way to the surface. "What if you're wrong and she doesn't want to see me? What if I hurt her even more by turning back up in her life? I can't hurt her again Carol, I promised myself I never would. I can't do that to her."

The office went silent again as Carol studied the man before her.

"Can I make a suggestion?"

"Please", his eyes were honest and vulnerable and she really felt for him. He'd been carrying this guilt around with him all these years.

"Write her a letter," she started, continuing despite his skeptical look. "Confess everything to her, all the guilt, all the secrets absolutely everything. Get it all out on paper and then give her a way to contact you if she wishes. Then you've done all you can. You've told her everything, there's no surprises or secrets left. You will have given her back the power to make an informed decision. You have to give her the option, Chandler."

He stared at her surprised, "That's actually a pretty good idea".

Why hadn't he ever thought of that?

"I have them occasionally," she offered him a small smile. "Look, I'm dropping Ben off on Friday evening to Ross'. If you have it ready by then I could put it in her mailbox or something?"

"Ok, yeah I think I can do that," he nodded still contemplating the idea.

Carol smiled genuinely at him then, her hand reaching out to squeeze his, "Thank you. It will nice to finally move on from this."

"You think she'll be able to forgive me?" he asked almost timidly, scared of her answer.

"I don't see her as much as I used to, but from what Ross says she's desperate to see you, Chandler. I was there when you left and it nearly destroyed her. I mean, it affected everyone but Monica…it really got to her. Her and Kip broke up and she just withdrew into herself. Now that you're back, I don't know what she feels exactly but I know she needs to talk to you and that you need to talk to her too, regardless of if she can forgive you or not you both need to sort this out, start healing."

"You're right again," he nodded offering her a small grin. "Have all of you got this smart since I left?"

"Yeah, your intellect was really holding us back," she smirked. "After you left Joey and Rachel joined and the IQ of the group shot up."

He grinned, "Nice try; I remember Rachel and I've met Joey."

She laughed and then just stared at him smiling.

"What?" he asked warily.

"It's just good to have you back," she stated. "I've missed you."

He ducked his head, unsure of how to take the compliment.

The door opened and Susan stuck her head through, "Hey", she greeted cautiously.

"Hey," Carol smiled at her as they both stood up.

"Ben's fallen asleep in the chair," she informed her wife.

"You're a miracle worker."

"I know," Susan grinned, before looking over to Chandler. "I found a couple of errors which brings it down within a 2% margin which is usually within the tolerated level…anything else you need me for?"

"Wow," he blinked, "you, uh really are a miracle worker. I owe you both my thanks. Go, leave, be merry."

"You'll write the letter?" Carol asked, looking directly into his eyes and holding them. "I won't come here on Friday to find you've moved offices and skipped the country?"

"I deserve that I guess," he grinned ruefully. "No, I promise my running days are over. I'll write her."

"Ok," she nodded before finally breaking her gaze. She stepped forwards and surprised him by pulling him in for a hug.

Pulling away he watched them leave, his eyes fixed on the door long after they'd left. A letter? He opened his desk drawer and grabbed out a notepad. He stared at the blank paper. He grabbed his pen, tapping it against the pad. How the hell could he start this? How did he try to put down all his many sins into words?

He tapped the paper again, before scribbling _'Dear Monica_ ,' he paused staring at it. _Dear?_ Was that too formal? He'd never been formal with her. Maybe _Hi?_ Could he get away with a _'hi_ ' after what he'd done? Frustrated he threw down his pen, ripping the sheet of paper from the pad. He balled it up in his hands and threw it across the room in the vague direction of the trash can.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

A/N- thanks again to those of you taking the time to review! It's been a very long trying week and reading your comments have helped make me smile :o) Very glad it's the weekend - enjoy it whatever you're doing!


	8. Cause You Are Not Alone

_'Cause you are not alone_

* * *

Chandler ran his eyes over the finished letter, critically studying the carefully scrawled ink. It had taken three days of endless drafts and considerations but it was finally finished. Finally crafted and ready to be offered to her.

He'd poured his heart out, tried to confess everything and in some ways it was as therapeutic as it was terrifying. He turned the textured cream paper over in his hands, double-checking his final paragraphs, his final plea to her:

 _So there you have it. Everything. My soul bared to you in the hardest letter I've ever had to write._

 _I miss you Monica, so desperately but i_ _f you can never forgive me and never want to see me again, then I understand and respect that. To be honest, it's what I'm expecting but just in case any part of you wants to see me again. Whether it's to throw things at me or shout at me, it's only fair I give you that opportunity._

 _It's the least you deserve after everything._

 _So, I'll be in Central Park, by the fountain at 7pm Saturday night. It sounds like a line from one of those god-awful romance movies you used to make me watch but I need to give you the chance, the decision, as to whether you want to see me again. I'll be there ready to face all and every consequence for my past actions but as I've said, if you can't bring yourself to see me, or have no desire to, I respect that and I'll promise to stay away from you._

 _I'm so sorry for all the pain and heartache I caused you._

 _Sorry for everything._

 _Love_

 _Chandler_

With a long exhale he folded the thick paper and placed it into the waiting envelope. Staring at it one last time he sealed the envelope before he lost his nerve. Flipping it over he picked up his pen and neatly wrote her name, savoring each letter in case he never got to write or say it again. _Monica._

He gazed down at it.

This really was it.

It was terrifying to think his whole future was dependent on the contents of this little envelope, that something so ordinary looking could be so important. It was hard to believe that after all these years of guilt and hiding he was finally going to face his demons. He was going to put it all out there and risk breaking whatever was left of his heart but if it meant hers healed, that she was finally able to have closure then he had to do it. He'd put her through hell, deserted her, walked out on her.

He deserved whatever she gave him.

Closing his eyes he leaned back in his chair, still fighting his rising nerves. He briefly played with the idea of tossing the letter into the metal bin and forgetting all about this and going back into hiding...but he couldn't do that to her. Not again, it wasn't fair to her. As scary as it all was he _had_ to stop running. Had to finally face the music.

A noise from the next room caught his attention and he cracked open an eyelid, seeing movement on the other side of the office door.

"Susan!" he called before he could stop himself, his stomach lurching then tightening.

He could do this, he had to do this. For her.

Moments later his receptionist stuck her head through the door, "I was just heading out for lunch…did you want me to get you something?"

"No, that's uh fine," he was too nervous to eat, too nervous to do anything right now.

There was a long pause.

"So...?" she tried.

He would do this.

"Look, I'm uh," he cleared his throat, his heart speeding up, "I'm in meetings the rest of the afternoon and I wanted to give you this," with shaking hands he picked up the sacred envelope staring at it once more before forcing himself to hand it to her. "For Carol," he croaked.

He held his breath, watching as she glanced curiously at it.

"Is this what I think it is?" she raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"Maybe," he said cagily, fighting the urge to snatch it back off her.

If it left the office then this would all become real. This was actually happening after all this time.

Susan silently studied her boss for a moment, since the revelation on Tuesday night he'd been less distant and cold. Still, it was weird to see him so edgy and anxious. So human.

"I'll make sure she gets it," she finally promised. "And for what it's worth? I think you're doing the right thing," she offered him a smile before turning and leaving in what seemed like slow motion.

"Yeah," he whispered as he watched the envelope slowly disappear from view.

Decision made.

There was no going back now.

* * *

It was 6.47pm Saturday night.

Chandler paced in front of the fountain, his heart beating rapidly. 13 minutes. Just 13 minutes.

His pacing quickened.

In 13 minutes he might get to see Monica again. Even if she yelled at him, cried and called him every name under the sun, he would get to see her. See the face that had haunted him for 5 years. The face he couldn't ever forget or run away from no matter how hard he'd tried; it was always there in the front of his mind.

That's what he had to focus on, getting to see her. He couldn't let himself get his hopes up that she would be pleased to see him. He knew the likelihood of that was incredibly thin and his heart right now was incredibly fragile. In those last months he'd spent with her, all those years ago, his heart had slowly become a little more broken each day. And then when he'd left, instead of healing and repairing it just got colder, harder until a month ago when he'd found himself back at apartment 19.

He glanced at his watch 6.51pm.

9 minutes.

Pushing down his anxiety he continued his pacing, aware but not caring about the looks he was getting from a few people also around the fountain. Were they waiting for someone too? Were they waiting for the most important moment in their lives? God he could feel the pressure, feel the tension radiating through him. His shoulders were heavy, his stomach tight with anticipation.

He was grateful he had written the letter, written down all his horrible confessions for her to read in advance. At least when she turned up she would know everything, his soul bared and he wouldn't have to tell her anything she didn't already know. He wouldn't have to see fresh disappointment and confusion mar her beautiful features.

She finally knew everything.

6 minutes.

Oh it was getting close. He couldn't decide if he wished time to go faster so he could get it over with, face his judgement and learn his fate. Or wish for it to stretch out longer. At least in these next 6 minutes he still had some hope to cling to. Could still believe that maybe somehow she'd be able to forgive him. In 6 minutes that hope may be squashed for good by reality's boot.

He pictured her angry face, her blazing eyes as she cursed at him, told him she never wanted to see him again, that she hated him...

He could still change his mind and run, again, he still had that choice. She didn't know where he was living, he could run and hide for another 5 years. When she turned up his options were gone…she'd always been able to outrun him.

Chandler shook his head at his negativity, letting out some long breaths as he tried to calm his shattered nerves. He could do this. He had to do this. He owed it to her and he wouldn't run. He had to give her this chance.

He glanced at his watch, less than 5 minutes and what if she was early? Monica was always super organized and punctual. What if she was only moments away? Or already here? He stopped pacing long enough to look around, to scan each face, each person in the near vicinity. Reassured that she wasn't there yet but knowing that any minute she could be, he decided to stop his pacing and take a seat, perching on the edge of the cold concrete fountain. His fingers started to tap with pent up energy, his knee jiggling up and down.

He had no idea what he was going to say to her. 'Sorry' wasn't nearly enough for what he'd done but he prayed that his letter had shed some light on his reasons, that she realized he had never meant to hurt her, or any of them. He'd been selfish, horrible and beyond stupid…but he'd been in love, and love made you act crazy. He felt crazy right now, beyond crazy. He couldn't remember ever feeling so tense and anxious in his whole life.

Automatically he looked down at his watch, swallowing as the dial showed 7pm. Showtime.

Letting out another deep breath he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. He knew he'd be a complete mess when he saw her but he had to try and keep a little composure until then. He heard some loud voices and snapped open his eyes. Had she brought Ross and Phoebe, all three of them wanting answers...or blood? But it wasn't them. He scowled as the noisy teenagers came closer, passing him without even looking at him, laughing and being annoying. Right now he resented them and their carefree life; he briefly wondered if by the time they were his age they would have screwed themselves up as much as he had.

Once they were out of ear shot he looked around again before checking his watch 7.03pm. Maybe she was running late? He shook his head frustrated at his thoughts- 3 minutes wasn't late.

Neither was 5 minutes.

10 minutes. Did that count as late yet? A little, but he had to cut her some slack. It was a huge bombshell to drop on her and she was entitled to be a little late. His eyes looked in the vague direction of her apartment. You couldn't see it exactly but lots of illuminated windows filled the landscape and it was easy to picture her in one of them. Maybe she was nervously babbling away to Phoebe…or that Rachel girl that lived there now. Maybe she was trying to decide what to wear or what handbag or shoes would complement the outfit…he remembered how she used to fuss over these little things.

10 minutes soon turned to half an hour. Part of his stomach started to sink but a larger part told him to hang on in there, to have faith in her. She would come, even to tell him that she never wanted to see him again. She would come.

People around him slowly left. One by one. Some were collected by other people, others just wandering away randomly. Some got replaced, some didn't.

An hour passed but he told himself to wait, to keep the hope.

An hour and thirty. He had to wait, he had to. She was on her way, just delayed.

Two hours. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

Two hours thirty. He tilted his face up looking at the now dark sky as he tried to keep the tears from falling. Slowly the cold realization was forcing itself upon him.

She wasn't coming.

She actually wasn't coming.

He wouldn't even get to see her, not even once. Not even to say sorry to her face, to hug her, to tell her that he needed her so desperately, that he was so lost without her, empty. She was denying him his chance, it seemed so cruel and she'd never been a cruel person but after what he'd done he could understand. The scars still ran deep and he deserved anything she wanted to give him.

He slowly stood up, a numbness starting to spread through him. He vaguely tugged his jacket around himself tighter, in a vain attempt to hold off the chill before stuffing his cold hands into his coat pockets.

She wasn't coming.

He swallowed back the tears, forcing himself to walk as fast as his shaky legs could manage towards the park exit. He wanted to be in private when he broke down. He knew he'd break down; it was just a matter of time.

How could both Carol and Joey be so wrong? Both had said she'd want to see him and he'd been so desperate to believe that, to cling to that shred of hope. He was an idiot, a complete fool for believing she could forgive him, that she'd want anything to do with him. She'd probably moved on. Didn't want anything to do with him. Had she even bothered to read the letter that he'd spent so long agonizing over as he poured out his heart? Exposed his deepest fears and confessions? Or had she simply glanced at it, realizing who it was from then merely shrugged and balled it up, tossing it into the trash.

He deserved it. He deserved all of it and he knew it but it didn't make it hurt any less. Didn't take away the pain. The pain that she hadn't shown up, that he'd never get to speak to her.

It was over.

He'd never felt so alone.

* * *

A/N- Thank you so much for the reviews, it's been another trying week so they have been hugely appreciated! Happy holidays for you in the US and happy weekend to everyone else :o)


	9. I am Here With You

_I am here with you_

* * *

Monica closed the door to apartment 20, tired, exhausted, and utterly miserable.

"Hey!" her friends all greeted from the couch area.

"You ok?" Phoebe asked taking her in.

"No," she sighed as she removed her coat, hanging it by the door. "I actually hate my life. Some customer put YMCA on 6 times just so they could repeatedly laugh at us; it's so humiliating. I shouldn't be working on a Sunday wearing a wig and fake boobs."

"Uh Monica, you shouldn't be working _any_ day where you have to wear a wig and fake boobs," Ross unhelpfully commented.

"Plus," she continued, letting out a heavy sigh, "that Pete guy still won't take the hint."

Rubbing at her forehead she tried to push aside the impending headache. Whilst she wouldn't admit it to the others, she was tired, exhausted even; she still wasn't sleeping much, her thoughts too preoccupied with Chandler. It had been a month now and part of her was starting to lose the hope...it felt like five years ago all over again but she was determined not to break down. She just had to stay strong for a while longer, they would find him.

This time it would be different.

It had to be.

"Maybe you should give Pete a chance?" Rachel suggested as casually as she could. "It might do you some good."

"We've been over this," she really wasn't in the mood. "If you want a millionaire in your life, _you_ date one. I'm not interested."

She ignored the jealous look that Ross shot her as she headed towards her bedroom. Quickly shrugging out of her hideous work clothes and removing her fake boobs she changed into a casual top and jeans. When she returned to the living-room, she wasn't surprised to hear Rachel continue her argument.

"I'm just saying you should go on one date with the millionaire man, have a little fun and maybe it will help you move on from this whole Chandler thing."

Monica narrowed her eyes at her before heading straight to the kitchen area and putting the kettle on. It had been a long horrible day and she didn't want to go into her reasons to not date Pete yet again. She knew they didn't completely understand her feelings for Chandler but that was ok. They didn't have to, they just needed to carry on supporting her.

"What's this?" she asked curiously as she spotted an envelope sitting on the table. Her name was neatly printed on it but there was something about the way it was written which caused her to frown slightly, a strange feeling rushing through her although she wasn't sure why...

"Oh, it's from Carol," Ross informed her, his eyes staying fixed on the television, "she gave it to me on Friday when she dropped off Ben."

"Carol?" her frown deepened. What would Carol have to write to her about and why was this strange feeling intensifying? Picking it up, her stomach tightened as she studied it, "What is it?"

"I don't know, try opening it," Ross sing-songed.

Monica contemplated it for another moment before slowly turning it over and slicing it open. She carefully removed the neatly folded paper, opening it. As she read the first sentence her hand flew to her mouth, a gasp escaping her, "Oh my god," she whispered.

"What?" Everyone's eyes were on her concerned but she just shook her head, dazed as she started to tremble.

"Monica?" Rachel asked concerned as they all started to move closer to her, confused but knowing she needed support.

"It's-it's from Chandler," she whispered, collapsing onto the nearest wooden chair.

She ignored their surprised murmurs, ignored the kettle whistling and hissing as it reached it's peak. Her whole focus was on the paper in front of her. She barely dared to breathe as she desperately took in his words.

 _Monica_

 _After a thousand drafts I still don't know how to start this. I guess 'I'm sorry' should be one of the first things I say to you, although I know sorry isn't nearly enough for what I put you through. You have no idea how regretful I am for what I did. I know I was young and incredibly stupid but nothing can excuse abandoning my best friends, my family...you._

 _My purpose in writing this is not to try and open up past scars or to make you feel guilty or god forbid hurt you further, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do to you. No, this is to try and explain to you my horrible actions of 5 years ago and to try and help heal the wounds that I caused in any way I can._

 _So, the reason, the honest truth of why I did such an inexcusable thing? There's no other way of putting this... I fell in love you, Monica, utterly and completely. Believe me I didn't mean to and I tried so hard to fight it but I was weak and you're pretty hard to not fall for. I tried to ignore it though, tried to squish my feelings down but it was impossible and when you and Kip got together...I just couldn't deal with it._

 _I tried, I really did and as over dramatic as this may sound, at the time it felt like my whole world was crumbling down and I simply wasn't strong enough to cope with it. Each time I saw you together, heard you, it killed me, totally destroyed me. It was all too much and I was a coward, I was weak and it eventually wore me down to the point I had to leave, escape before I completely fell apart._

 _Honestly Mon, it wasn't an easy decision, I agonized over it but I couldn't see any other way to survive. I felt it was the only choice._

 _I hope you can believe me when I tell you I thought that by leaving I'd make your lives better too. That you wouldn't have to put up with me and my issues and that you'd eventually forget me, move on with your life. You really should have._

 _God, I wish I had done so many things differently. I wish I'd managed to stick it out somehow. I wish I'd told you or one of the others instead of trying to deal with it on my own. Above everything, my biggest regret is not explaining it to you, not leaving you a note, something, telling you it wasn't your fault and that your best friend was ditching you because he was a fool. That it wasn't you._

 _I still think about you every day, Monica, I haven't forgotten you, I couldn't forget you. You've always been at the front of my mind, always there, haunting me, reminding me of what I threw away._

 _At least now you finally know why._

 _So there you have it. Everything. My soul bared to you in the hardest letter I've ever had to write..._

"Oh my god," Monica gasped as she finished the last couple of paragraphs, her watery eyes leaving the paper to seek out her friends. "He wanted to meet last night, I didn't turn up! He thinks I don't want anything to do with him."

"Monica, calm down," Phoebe soothed as she felt herself getting frantic.

"He thinks I didn't go because I don't care, because I can't forgive him!" she felt her heart breaking all over again for him. "He spilled his guts out and he thinks I don't understand, that I'm just cruel enough to not go and see him. God," she wiped her eyes, her hands trembling not quite believing the situation. "I've been trying to find him for 4 weeks and now…" she trailed off distraught as it started to hit her.

"At least we know he's still in New York," Joey tried to comfort her.

"What if it all hinged on last night?" she asked worriedly, panic rising. "What if he was waiting to see my response? What if he's already left because I wasn't there? I-"

"Did he leave an address or contact number?" Ross asked feeling guilty as she shook her head. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was that important, Carol didn't say-"

"Carol!" Monica acclaimed shooting up from her chair, startling her friends. "It came from Carol, she must have seen him, must know where he is, how to contact him?" She looked so desperate to be right that the others just nodded. "I need to go see her."

"Do you want us to come with you?" Ross asked but she instantly shook her head.

"What are you going to say if you see him?" Phoebe asked but Monica shook her head again as she located her coat and handbag.

"I don't know," she confessed, shrugging on her jacket. "I can't think about that right now, I just have to see Carol. I need-"

"We understand," Rachel promised. "Go and good luck."

They all pulled her into a hug and she drew strength from each of them. She had to keep the faith that she wasn't too late. That she hadn't missed her one chance.

Pulling away she took a deep breath, before running out of the apartment.

* * *

"Monica?" Carol asked surprised at the figure on her doorstep. "What are you doing here this late?"

"Um-"

Recognizing her distress Carol quickly let her ex sister-in-law in, shutting the door on the cold late evening air.

"Monica?" she tried again, more softly.

"I missed the deadline," she blurted out suddenly.

"What deadline?" she asked confused, "What are you talking about? Wait, is this about the letter?"

"Yes!" she nodded enthusiastically, "See, Ross only gave it to me tonight, I only just read it but he said to meet up with him last night if I wanted to. I want to, Carol, I really want to, I _need_ to see him, please, do you know where he is?"

Carol blinked, now remembering Monica's incredible ability to babble.

"Wait, he didn't leave any way to get hold of him?" she asked exasperated, "I told him to give you contact details not some grand meeting, the doofus. If he had told me that I would have delivered it myself. He really gave you less than 24 hours?"

"You've seen him?" Monica whispered and Carol nodded slowly.

"By accident," she insisted.

"Do you know where he is?" she asked, holding her breath, praying it wasn't too late.

"I-"

"Everything alright?" Susan asked as she entered the room, taking in Monica's current state.

"Do you know where Chandler's staying?" Carol asked her partner hopefully.

"Um," she looked confused but with the two pairs of blue eyes staring at her so full of hope she tried to rack her brain, "The Madison on 5th, I think."

Monica felt excitement and trepidation shoot through her. She knew where he was. She was actually going to find him, find Chandler.

"Do you know his room number?"

"No," Susan shook her head, "he's not a big talker".

Monica frowned, briefly wondering how Susan knew all this but she couldn't afford to waste any more time, he was alone and hurting. She'd already waited a month, hell she'd waited 5 years and now every fiber of her being was screaming out to find him. To hold him, to have him hold her. To soothe away the pain, to reassure each other, rebuild the foundations and focus on their future.

"I've gotta go," she headed quickly to their front door, "thank you."

"Monica," Carol stopped her, placing a gentle hand on her arm. "Don't be too hard on him."

"I won't be," her voice cracked, "I can't be. I just need to see him."

Carol searched her eyes for a moment and then as if satisfied she pulled her into a tight hug, "Good luck."

"Thank you," she pulled away and wiped her eyes and then quickly left.

Monica soon found herself standing in front of the Maddision hotel, with no clear idea of how she'd even gotten there. She stood frozen as she took in the brightly lit reception lobby, trying in vain to compose herself, to run through what she would say to him but to no avail; she couldn't think straight, her mind whirling, her heart beating wildly.

She couldn't believe this was it. That she was going to see Chandler.

Chandler.

Her stomach filled with a thousand butterflies as she tried to put all her energy and focus into that one fact. She was going to see Chandler- nothing else mattered. Nothing else had mattered up until this point.

With a final deep breath she climbed the couple of steps into the hallway and made it over to the large reception desk. She bit her lips, her hands wringing themselves in nervous anticipation as she waited for the receptionist to finish his call.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" another uniformed man approached.

"Yes, I need to know which room Chandler Bing is in, please?"

"I'm afraid we aren't allowed to give out that kind of information," the man informed her, shaking his head, "we must respect our guests privacy."

"But he wants to see me," she promised, "please I _need_ to see him, it's urgent."

He shook his head, "It's against our policy."

"Then you need to pass on a message," she insisted, her voice becoming a little louder, a little more high-pitched as she tried to control herself, "it's important. I need to see him."

"We don't pass on any messages this late in the evening," the man informed her gesturing to the clock on the wall. It was way after 10pm. "It's against our policy," he repeated.

"There must be something your policy allows?" she snapped, aware, but not caring that she'd caught the attention of the very few people in the abandoned lobby. "Please, at least call him, let him know I'm here, please."

"It's Sunday night, ma'am, we aren't allowed to contact guests this late. If you'd like to leave a message I can pass it onto him first thing in the morning."

She let out a frustrated growl as the other receptionist finished his phone call and looked over to the pair.

"Is there a problem here?" he asked.

"Yes!" Monica snapped, "I need to get a message to Chandler Bing, in whatever room number he is. You need to tell him that Monica Geller is here. Please it's important, really important. It can't wait until tomorrow," she started to feel herself break down, the crazy adrenaline and emotions of tonight finally getting the better of her. She wouldn't let herself believe that she could get this far and fail. That she was in his hotel and wouldn't get to see him. "See, he loves me but we haven't seen each other for 5 years and we were meant to meet yesterday but I couldn't make it and I need to see him, need to explain everything and apologize and see him again. He might leave New York and never make contact if I don't get to him first. Please you have to help me."

"If it's waited 5 years, it can wait another day," the first man told her, a clear lack of interest or empathy in his voice. "The message will be delivered tomorrow."

"No," she shook her head, tears stinging the back of her eyes, desperate for them to understand, "please, just tell me which room he is, that's all I need."

"We can't do that." He held his ground.

"Then let me go knock on every door until I find his," she pleaded and the guy shook his head. "Then I'm staying here in your lobby until the morning, in case he leaves."

"Can't have that."

"Please-"

The phone rang and the second guy answered it as Monica and the first guy had a stare off. Why couldn't he understand how important this was?

"Ricky- it's for you."

The first guy stared at her for another beat, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave now," with that he dismissed her, turning his back as he took the phonecall. She stared at his back hopelessly. "Ron, I'm taking this in the office, you alright with her?"

"Sure," Ron answered easily, watching as the other man left.

"Look," Monica spoke quietly, her voice wavering as she tried to reason with him, hoping he'd be different from his colleague. "I really need to-"

"Room 605," he said quickly in a hushed tone, "take the elevator to the sixth floor and take the first right."

She stared at him in disbelief, shock running through her.

"W-what?" she asked, choked.

"Go, quickly," the guy insisted, "before Ricky gets back, I love a good love story. Good luck, darling!"

She couldn't believe it.

She knew where he was.

He was here in this very hotel.

"Thank you, thank you so much," she nodded, offering him a watery smile before she hurried to the elevator.

As the doors closed and the cart started it's smooth climb upwards, her body started to shake, tremble. She couldn't comprehend the enormity of this moment. How desperate she was for this and she prayed she wasn't too late. She didn't know what she'd do if that was the case. No, he had to be there. If he had already left he would have checked out. He had to be there, there was simply no other option.

The elevator pinged loudly, bringing her back to reality and she commanded her wobbly legs to carry her into the corridor. She turned right as instructed and slowly counted down the hotel doors until she was there. Room 605.

She stared at the white painted door complete with its proud shiny gold numbers. Just the other side of it should be Chandler.

Chandler.

With a final steadying breath she raised her hand holding it centimeters from the door. Her fist was so tight her knuckles were starting to turn white. She could do this. Heart pounding, stomach clenching she forced her fist to make contact with the door as she held her breath...

* * *

A/N: sorry, I know, I know, everyone hates a cliff hanger but please don't throw things at me! I'll try to update the next chapter as quickly as possible so hang in there :o)

Thanks for the reviews and comments - I love hearing your thoughts!


	10. We'll Get Lost Together

_We'll get lost together_

* * *

Chandler frowned as he heard the knock, his tired eyes falling on the door. Who could it be at this late hour? Not really wanting to see anyone he chose to ignore it and continue brooding.

There was another knock, more insistent this time. With a sigh he hit the button on the remote to switch off the television and slowly climbed to his feet.

Another persistent knock.

"I'm coming," he muttered as he headed to the door, unchaining it and throwing it open. "What do-?" his words froze on his lips as he stood there paralyzed, trying to take in who was on the other side.

Monica.

Monica was here, actually here.

He stared at her as his brain tried to comprehend what was happening, _how_ this was happening or even possible? His eyes rapidly ran over her face, taking in the subtle differences from the face he saw in his dreams, drinking in and trying to memorize every little detail of how she'd changed over the years. She was still so beautiful, his memories hadn't done her justice.

"I-" He tried to speak but he couldn't manage to form a word, his voice catching in his throat.

Time seemed to stand still as they stood in the doorway desperately drinking each other in. The reality of what this meant slowly sinking in for both of them that they were finally together again, finally reunited. His heart started to beat rapidly and he felt his body start to tremble.

Monica was also getting overwhelmed, so many powerful emotions crashing through her. She couldn't stay still any longer. With a sob she flung herself at him and he caught her, instinctively wrapping his arms tightly around her, pulling her as close to him as physically possible. He turned his face, burying it in her soft hair, inhaling her shampoo, letting her scent and entire presence engulf him. She surrounded him, comforting him.

God he'd missed her, missed her so damn much.

And she'd missed him.

She clung to him, tears falling down her cheeks as she hugged him even tighter, soaking him into every fiber of her body. She felt like she never wanted to let go, never would be able to let go. He was here, in her arms after 5 years. It was so much to take in, to try and fathom.

Eventually their death grips eased slightly and they pulled back but they couldn't completely let go of each other. Her hands trailed down his shoulders to his arms, gripping tightly as he held onto the sides of her waist, still holding her. They stared at each other, so many unspoken messages passing between them. Only their harsh breaths could be heard in the silence of the hotel room; both had tear stains on their cheeks. He slowly lifted one hand, gently wiping away her tears with a brush of his thumb before moving his hand to softly run through her hair.

"I can't believe you're actually here," he finally spoke, his voice hoarse, "I-" he swallowed, still struggling to verbalize what he wanted to say, what he _needed_ to say to her.

"I know," she reassured him quietly, just as choked up. "God, I've missed you Chandler, I..."

"I know," he agreed, hearing her unspoken words, "me too."

She pulled him in for another fierce hug which lasted a long moment. He held her tightly, the shock and joy of seeing her, starting to fade into guilt. The guilt he'd deservedly carried around all this time. She was like this, crying and so upset all because of him. He'd done this to her.

Carefully he broke their embrace as the guilt started to heavily press down on him. He allowed himself to study her face for a moment longer, seeing the hurt engraved and embedded into her perfect features.

"I'm so so sorry, Monica," he whispered, "I-"

"I know," she repeated again, touching his cheek, trailing her fingers to his jaw. "I know and it's ok."

He shook his head, knowing it wasn't ok, couldn't possibly ok. With a guilty sigh he gently removed her hands from his face, clasping them tightly in one of his. With the other he closed the hotel room door and slowly tugged her over to the small couch. They sat on it, turning to face each other, close to one another, sides, knees, arms all still touching – neither willing to let the other go too far.

Their hands stayed desperately entwined with one another's.

"I really can't tell you how sorry I am," Chandler told her meeting her tear-filled eyes with his guilt-ridden ones. "I've been such an idiot, such a coward…did, uh, did you get my letter?"

She nodded, "I only got it tonight, see Ross didn't realize it had an expiry date."

"Oh," he said dumbly, swallowing, taking in what that meant. Last night's fears and doubts getting replaced with the knowledge that she'd rushed to see him. Had needed to see him as much as he needed to see her.

"I've wanted to see you again for so long," she admitted softly. "When you left, I was so confused, heartbroken and I missed you so much Chandler. And then when Joey saw you and told me you were back in New York...you've been all I could think about. I've been going crazy trying to find you."

He looked down ashamed, hating that he'd caused her further distress. That she'd been suffering as much as he had because of his actions. It wasn't fair on her.

"I'm sorry, I honestly thought you'd be better off without me. Over the years I've wanted to see you again so much, if only to apologize and try to explain but I'd convinced myself that you wouldn't want to see me, that you'd hate me. I thought if I tried to contact you over the years it would only upset you or that maybe you'd have forgotten all about me. I imagined you and Kip married with kids and not wanting me to ruin that with old nightmares.

"I thought about you every day Monica, I missed you so much, it physically hurt at times. After I'd left I couldn't believe I'd actually gone through with it. I sat in an empty hotel room in Tulsa, my bags still packed by my feet as I contemplated just turning around and coming back. That I'd be home before any of you knew what I'd done, just unpack as if nothing had happened.

"But if I'd done that I'd have to have listened to how your first Christmas together had been. Listen to how much your parents loved him and see that look in your eyes. It was killing me, Mon, absolutely killing me. Then it would have been New Year and I'd been at the party and watching the ball drop knowing that nothing had changed and it was just going to continue to get even worse...I couldn't survive it.

"So, I tried to convince myself that I'd made the right decision. That you'd all hate me but eventually forget about me like you were supposed to. By the time I realized just how dumb I'd been it was too late. That even if I'd had the courage to return you'd reject me and I guess I feared that too much. At least by not trying to contact you I could hold that little bit of hope in my heart that you may one day speak to me again.

"I'm so sorry, Monica. You have no idea...and I know it's not enough, never will be but-"

"Hey," she cut him off, squeezing his hands and encouraging him to look up and meet her eyes. "You made a mistake, Chandler, a horrible stupid mistake. But you were hurting, you had no one to confide in so you made the wrong decision. I get that, we all get that. We've missed you so so much.

"Over that Christmas I couldn't' get your kiss out of my head," he jerked slightly, surprised, "really I couldn't. There had been a spark I had never felt before and hadn't been expecting. I kept thinking about it and wanted to talk with you when I came home. When I realized you'd left, that that had been your way of saying goodbye," she swallowed, fresh tears falling as she remembered that painful time in her past. "I was heartbroken, Chandler, devastated. I'd lost my best friend."

He looked down, nodding. If he were honest, he didn't want to know how crushed she'd been, didn't want the extra guilt already weighing down his shoulders. But he deserved it. It was the very least he could do.

"Everyone was hurt," she continued, "completely shocked…it was as if someone had died suddenly. We had lost you and let you down and we couldn't get our heads around it. We canceled the New Year party, none of us were in the mood. I broke up with Kip and he decided to leave as well, but I didn't care. It was _you_ who I needed.

"I missed you like crazy. I spent so many nights crying over you, Chandler," she saw him swallowing, fresh tears on his face but she needed to get this out, get them through all the guilt so they could move on. "It didn't take me long to realize why you'd left and I felt lowest of the low for putting you through that. For not realizing how much pain you were going through day after day because of me."

"You weren't meant to know," he cut in, shaking his head forcefully, "none of this was ever your fault, Mon. Never blame yourself for what _I_ did. I was an asshole. You should have been able to date whoever you liked. It's not your fault that I wasn't strong enough to handle it."

"But I was your best friend, I should have seen it. I knew something was bugging you but I didn't realize to what degree. I should had forced you to talk to me. Refused to go for Christmas until I'd gotten it out of you. You don't know how many times I've replayed that day in my head. The number of times I changed the scenarios, torturing myself with all the things I should have done differently."

She looked down, staring at their entwined hands, anchoring herself to the present, trying not to get swept away in the anguish of the past.

"I'm the one that should have done it differently Monica, very differently. For starters I shouldn't have let myself fall for you that hard. I should have dealt with it when it was just a crush but instead I allowed it turn into so much more and-"

"I don't blame you Chandler," she confessed softly, "I don't blame you for any of it. No one does. It was just a horrible time but it's over. We just want you to come home," she looked up suddenly, her eyes filled with fear as she met his. "You are coming home aren't you?" she pleaded. "I don't think I could cope with seeing you then losing you again. Please tell me you're home?"

He squeezed his eyes shut, too many emotions battling to get to his attention. He couldn't believe that she had forgiven, that she wanted him back. He didn't feel worthy of her. How could she be so forgiving?

"After everything I've done, you still want me back in your life?" he asked in quiet disbelief.

She met his eyes steadily, her voice confident, "More than anything."

He let out a shaky breath, shaking his head in wonder.

"I can't believe it," he whispered in awe. "I-"

"So, that's a yes?" she asked desperately. "You're back for good? Permanently?"

He looked at her, seeing her hope and sincerity yet he couldn't quite believe it. Slowly his face split into a large smile, how she'd missed that smile.

"If you'll have me," he spoke softly, earnestly, "then I promise I'll never leave you again, ever."

Unable to contain herself she let go of his hand and pulled him in for another fierce hug. He accepted it gratefully, holding her just as tightly, securely. His feelings for her had never left him and now he knew why. This was just further proof of why his heart had refused to let her go, no matter how hard he'd tried. She was just simply amazing.

When they pulled back both were smiling through the tears.

"I still can't believe this is real," he admitted. "I've dreamed about this for so long but I never let myself believe this outcome could be possible."

"I've dreamed about it too, so many times throughout the years I just prayed I'd get to see you again, to talk to you. I've missed you so much," she confessed.

"I've missed you too, you have no idea how much. I'm so sor-"

"You've got to stop apologizing," Monica stroked his face, "You're forgiven."

"Just like that?" he looked disbelieving. "If you had walked out on me Mon, I don't know if I'd be able to forgive and forget so easily. How can you trust me again? How can-"

"Because you aren't a stranger, Chandler. I'm sure we've both changed these last 5 years, but I know you and you know me. It hurt a lot and I won't lie I had some very dark days which I won't be able to forget quickly. But of course I trust you, forgive you. You were hurting and made a mistake, one you fully regret. You didn't do it to deliberately hurt any of us, right?"

He nodded.

"I'm not naïve," she continued, "I know we can't just click back to how we were 5 years ago and pretend it never happened. Things _have_ happened, the group has changed but we've been missing part of our foundations for so long, missing you. I know you need to talk to Ross and Phoebe, I know you need to get to know Rachel and Joey. Bonds needs to be strengthened and rebuilt but we'll come out even stronger than before."

He stared at her a moment.

"Yeh?" he so desperately wanted to believe her.

"I'm positive," she promised with a watery smile. "They've all been so supportive helping me try and find you. I won't lie, you have a couple of bridges to build with Ross and Phoebe but only because they love you and they're hurting. They want you back, part of the gang."

He smiled, slowly allowing the hope mixed with relief start to spread through his body. His friends had been like family before and he wanted, needed to get that back.

"I want that too."

They sat in silence for a while as the pent up emotions slowly ebbed away.

"So…what did I miss?"

She let out a laugh, surprised and his heart filled with warmth at the sound. He used to love making her laugh.

"Where to start…" she smiled brightly.

* * *

"Wait, I'm confused, were they on a break?" he asked with a frown, sitting cross-legged from her on the bed.

"Don't ask," she told him as she took another french frie from the bowl which room service had delivered, "And if you want to save your sanity don't bring it up with either of them unless you have several hours to spare.

"I'll bear that in mind. I still can't believe Ross has a kid."

"I know," she smiled just thinking of Ben, "he's really good with him to, totally dotes on him."

"And by that proud smile I can tell you're loving being an Auntie?" he pried, grabbing a french frie for himself and dipping it in the supplied sauce.

"So much. He's such a perfect kid, I know I'm bias and all, but he's gonna be president some day."

Chandler chuckled, "He sure is a cute one."

"You've seen him?" she asked surprised, then remembering he had some kind of connection with Carol and Susan.

"Yeah, he came charging into my office with Carol in tow. Ya know," he mused, "if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have seen her; I certainly wouldn't have written that letter or be here with you now. I need to buy him something as a thank you."

"I'm sure he'll just be happy that you're making his Auntie happy," she grinned laughing as Chandler rolled his eyes at the corny line.

"I doubt that, he's like what 2? 3? I'll get him something really good for his next birthday present."

Monica's heart skipped a beat. The fact he was talking about the future excited her, although at the same time it saddened her. Chandler should have been there throughout the pregnancy, listening to Ross get the damn Monkees' song into everyone's heads. He should have been there at the birth, supporting Ross as he became a father and being there to cheer her up when her mother started to bring her down about never having children. He'd have no doubt been Ben's Godfather, an important figure in Ben's life and yet here they were and he didn't know him. A complete stranger.

"You alright?" he asked quietly sensing the change in her mood.

"I'm fine," she promised, "it's just hitting me how much you've missed."

Chandler nodded, looking down, "I know and it's my own fault I wasn't there for any of it, but I'm gonna be there for all the stuff that happens going forwards," he vowed, "I'll there creating new memories."

A smile tugged at her face and she nodded, "Ok."

"So... is Phoebe still crazy?"

Monica snorted, how could she have forgotten how easy it was with him? How he had the ability to effortlessly lift her spirits, to make her relax with a single sentence or well-directed smile.

"Oh, she's still out there," she informed him, "but she's a lot less flaky than she used to be. Still got that kick-ass streak in her though."

"Do you remember your face when she moved in and tried to put all those incense sticks and crystals around the apartment? Then she bought out the chimes and hung them by the window and started singing back to them every time the wind hit? I remember you hiding at mine for days until you got the courage to talk to her about it," he chuckled fondly at the memory.

Monica nodded with a smile, "We clashed a little at the start but I'm glad we both stuck with it because she's one of my closet friends. She eventually got fed up with me and moved out...without telling me," she hung her head slightly, remembering how she'd felt so alone and stupid. That another one of her closest friends had left and not told her.

He studied her, sensing her tone, "I'm sure she just didn't know how to tell you," Chandler comforted, placing a hand on her knee, before changing the subject. "So, how did you get Rachel as your roommate? You'd lost contact with her way before."

"Oh," her face became animated once again and Chandler could tell she was going into story mode. He'd missed her so much, her excitement and energy over the stupidest things. He soaked her in as she talked, "She ran out on her wedding day, left the guy at the altar."

"No way, seriously?"

"Uh huh," her eyes lit up, "she came bursting into our lives without any warning. See, I was the only person she knew that hadn't been invited and lived in the city. She'd been daddy's little princess before but decided to start living independently, stay with with me and joined the group. We're really close again, like we were growing up."

"That's good," he smiled, pleased she'd had friends around her.

"What about you?" she asked suddenly as she frowned. "Did you make new friends in Tulsa? Are you ok to be leaving them behind? I mean-"

"I didn't have many friends there," he interrupted her with an embarrassed shrug of a shoulder. "I'd let you guys down and wasn't in a very 'friendsy' place. Instead I threw myself into work, spending long hours there. I mean I got on alright with the people in the office. Occasionally I'd go for drinks after work, or someone's BBQ or a ballgame or something but I wouldn't consider any of them real friends, not like we had."

A silence settled between them for a moment as Monica absorbed this heart-breaking information.

"You must have been so lonely," she said quietly and he shrugged again, not denying it.

"I deserved it," he admitted, "besides it gave me lots of time to reflect on things...and hey, it made my bosses love me."

"What do you do now?" she went along with his subject change.

"Um," he blushed a little, "I'm actually still with the same company as before."

He cringed, waiting for her reaction.

"What?" she asked surprised, "That was a temp job. You hated your little cubicle. You did no work, were the office clown…"

"Yeah, but I was good at it and just needed something. I contemplated leaving without one and starting afresh but when I saw the job advert I went for it. They liked me over there and I did good, then I got transferred back here."

"So, for these last couple of months I could have just walked into your old office building? You've been there the whole time."

She couldn't believe it, he'd been so close.

He nodded, looking guilty, "I wasn't hiding because I didn't want to see you again, Mon, I promise. I was just too scared of your reaction, scared you'd hate me more."

"I know," she rubbed his arm before taking the last of the French fries and moving off the bed to place the dirty plate outside.

He watched her as she stretched, a yawn splitting her face in half.

"You're tired," he observed softly, sad this incredible night was coming to an end.

"Well it's past 2am," she pointed out with a crooked smile.

He looked at the wall clock in surprise, "Wow," he murmured, climbing to his feet. "So, um, did you want me to walk you home or-"

"Can I stay here?" her blue eyes pleaded as she stepped towards him, into his personal space.

"O-of course," he stuttered surprised, "If that's what you want?"

She nodded, her hands coming to rest on his warm chest, the need to touch him strong, the need to reassure herself this was real.

"I'm still not ready to be apart just yet," she admitted her eyes searching his, "and part of me won't believe I've actually found you unless you're here with me in the morning..."

"Ok," he swallowed, understanding, his eyes studying hers intently as she moved closer, a lot closer.

He held his breath, his eyes still frantically searching hers as his heart started to beat faster. The air was becomer thicker as the atmosphere changed around them. He didn't dare move as he noticed her lean in just a fraction. Was this happening? All his nerve endings were on fire, his lips desperate to taste hers once more but he needed her to make the first move, her to initiate the contact. He couldn't risk misreading anything and ruining this. He finally had her back, finally after all these years and no matter how much he wanted this, craved it he wouldn't risk it.

Her hands came up, cradling his cheeks and he swallowed.

"Mon-" he whispered but she shook her head, silencing him.

Slowly she lowered her lips, pressing them to his. His eyes fluttered closed as he savored the feeling, letting her take the lead. The kiss was gentle at first, though grew more heated as 5 years of emotions forced their way to the surface. He felt that wonderful spark, that one of a kind connection and tried to just enjoy it and not overthink it. To immerse himself in the feel of her lips deliciously caressing his.

Eventually the kiss came to an end and Chandler rested his forehead against hers, his eyes still closed as he tried to regain his composure and calm his rapidly beating heart, unable to believe that had just happened.

"What was that for?" he eventually braved to whisper, not moving or opening his eyes as he awaited her answer with bated breath.

"I wanted to see if it was as good as 5 years ago," she murmured.

"And?" he swallowed.

"And," she pulled away, reluctantly he followed suit, opening his eyes, "it was better than I remembered."

He grinned, a warmth spreading through his chest, overjoyed that she had felt it too. That it wasn't all in his head.

"So..." he tried, his brain unable or possibly just unwilling to voice the questions and insecurities running through his mind.

"So, it's late, let's go to sleep and talk more in the morning."

With that she placed a gentle lingering kiss on his lips before stepping away from him.

"Ok," he agreed, a little relieved that his mind would have time to process everything that had happened tonight before they had _that_ conversation. "Did, uh you want me to take the floor or I mean, I might be able to fit on that weird couch-thing..."

"No," she shook her head, coming closer again, her hands stroking his chest. "I know it's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride and I wanna slow down but tonight I need...to be in your arms, have you hold me...is that ok?"

He nodded, not trusting his voice. It was so much more than ok but he couldn't put it into words right now. He was too overwhelmed, too choked up by everything that his emotions were in overdrive. This time last night he'd thought it was all over. That his old life didn't want anything to do with him.

Yet tonight he'd gotten more than he could have ever hoped. He couldn't believe this was real.

As she took his hand and smiled at him, he knew that for the first time in 5 years he was gonna sleep well.

* * *

A/N - yeah, a day earlier wasn't really what I had in mind when I said I'd update quickly! Sorry, real life got in the way again! I hope it was worth the wait and you enjoyed their reunion. I'm not sure how quick the next chapter will be up as I have to finish writing part of it and given we're in December I should really pick up writing the Christmas fic that I abandoned last year! I'll do my best though.

Thanks for all the reviews and as always would love to hear your thoughts :o)


	11. Til the Light Comes Pouring Through

_A/N - I hope someone somewhere still remembers this one! Sorry for the huge delay with posting - the last few chapters should be uploaded a lot quicker!_

 _Also, a massive thanks to everyone that read and reviewed the Christmas/ New Year stories which got posted since the last chapter_ :o)

* * *

 _'Til the light comes pouring through_

* * *

Chandler opened his eyes in the darkness, frowning as his hazy brain tried to work out what had awoken him. It was still stupidly early, the morning sun barely glimpsing through the hotel's familiar red curtains. Then he felt it. Lips on his. It took only a second for the memories of last night to come crashing back to him.

Monica.

The lips tugged at his again, more insistent and without thought he gave her what she wanted, opening his mouth and kissing her back slowly. His senses were filled with her, her taste, her smell. He felt her hands running up his back, causing delightful sensations to stir within him. Instinctively his arms tightened around her waist, pulling her petite body closer to his as he softly groaned into her mouth.

He didn't know what was happening, couldn't be sure he wasn't still dreaming. All Chandler's tired mind knew was he didn't want to question it or listen to the screaming going on inside his head insisting that this would only end in disaster. He ignored the doubts and fears, instead deepening the kiss and letting himself become overwhelmed with her. He'd dreamed of kissing her like this, dreamed of having her in his arms so many times; he'd longed for it, craved it and now it was happening.

He felt so alive, losing himself in the moment as his fingers delicately traced a path up her spine feeling her body shiver against him.

Then she suddenly rolled them over so that she was on top of him, straddling his hips as they continued their passion-fuelled kiss. Her hands were caressing his chest, eventually finding their way under his top; as bare skin touched bare skin he hissed at the contact.

Panting they broke the kiss as she hurriedly ripped the t-shirt over his head, throwing it on the floor behind them. He swallowed hard, taking a moment to drink in her sillhoutette as his brain desperately tried to understand if what was happening between them was real or still a wonderful dream evoked by the fact she was sharing his bed.

Her hands came to his bare chest, exploring the skin there and creating paths of fire that burned him. He brought his hands up to cup her face, his thumbs caressing her cheeks, "Monica," he breathed, enjoying her name on his lips but also wanting to give her a chance to stop this, whatever this was.

In response she looked him directly in the eyes, hers dark and intense before she leaned back slightly and pulled off her own top. He swallowed hard, letting his eyes roam her perfect chest. Then he watched in a daze as she leaned forwards, crashing her lips back to his. His eyes fluttered closed as her chest pressed into his. He could feel her hands on his body and he did the same, feeling her soft skin with his fingers. She made a sound, triggering something in him and he responded, flipping them over as he sunk into the kiss.

With every nerve ending on fire he surrendered to her, mind, body and spirit.

* * *

Monica awoke feeling completely sated, content and at peace. She didn't need to open her eyes to know whose arms she was wrapped in, whose scent and warmth surrounded her. She snuggled closer, smiling and almost letting out a purr as she felt his hand lightly stroke through her hair. She took a moment to reflect, to understand the gravity of the situation.

She'd actually found him.

Chandler.

They were reunited.

"Hey," he said softly and with an effort she stretched her body along his before tilting her head up to look at him.

She savored the view of a morning Chandler, taking in his ruffled hair, bare chest and bleary eyes. It was possibly her new favorite sight.

"Hey," she whispered back happily, snuggling further and closing her eyes again, content to stay like this forever.

"About, um-" She opened her eyes, taking in the worry in his voice as he coughed a little, apprehension appearing on his face. "I mean..." he sighed frustrated at himself and Monica couldn't help her small smile, the number of times she'd seen that look in the past, how she'd had missed that look.

The previous night had been incredible, beyond incredible. They'd made love throughout the early hours, worshiped each others bodies, learning and discovering one another again and again as they re-established their connection, taking it to a whole new level. Though despite that, they had barely spoken a word, hadn't discussed what it all meant and now in the light of day she could understand his fear and was ready to reassure him.

She reached her arms to loop around his neck, smiling at him, hoping to ease his doubts as well as the butterflies in her own stomach, "You ok?" she asked softly, her fingers scratching lightly at the base of his hairline.

"I'm still trying to take it all in," he admitted quietly, studying her face intently. "I thought I'd wake up and this would all be a dream, it's one I've dreamed of so many times but every time I'd wake up alone, with you still hating me somewhere far away."

"I never hated you," she whispered, swallowing hard, "but I understand what you mean. I've had the same dreams, Chandler, I'd go to sleep dreaming you hadn't left, that you were still in my life and then in the morning it would hit me all over again that you were gone."

"I'm sorry," he swallowed, knowing she didn't want his apologizes but he just couldn't not say it. He needed her to know how regretful he was.

"I know," she smiled softly, "I know."

He nodded looking away as a silence slowly settled over them. She watched him, watched the conflicting emotions crossing his face as he had some sort of internal battle with himself. She'd almost forgotten how he'd been like an open book to her, well until those final months when he'd closed himself off.

She gave him a few moments more before she moved a hand, her fingers reaching to softly stroke his slightly stubbled cheek and jaw, letting it tickle her skin.

"What are you thinking?" she encouraged gently, waiting for him to meet her eyes.

"I don't have any words for what happened last night, Mon," he said quietly, honestly, "I've never experienced anything like that with anyone, ever."

"Me neither," she promised, unable to stop the smile creeping back onto her face. It really had been incredible, beyond words. "I never knew we'd have that kind of...connection between us."

He nodded in agreement, his hand coming to capture hers, his thumb brushing her skin.

"I'd hoped but..." he swallowed again, staring into her eyes, baring his soul to her. "You know I left because I had feelings for you, strong feelings and well, I mean last night was, well it was beyond words, it really was but I guess I... what I'm asking is...last night was crazy emotional. A lot was going on so, I'd understand if it was the heat of the moment kinda thing for you and I wouldnt blame you if-"

She swallowed, not liking how uncomfortable he was, how insecure he still was.

"I want to be with you, Chandler," she interrupted quietly, but with a firm edge to her voice, leaving him no room to doubt her words. "I know we didn't talk about it yesterday and last night just...happened, but it felt _so_ right, like it was the next natural step for us. I know there's still lots of stuff to work through but I don't want you back in my life as just a friend.

"It might have taken a while but after you left, it finally all just clicked into place. My heart worked out that it needed you, that I was in love with my best friend, that I'd fallen in love with you without even knowing it..but by the time I had figured this all out it was too late and you had gone..." she choked, her memories coming back to haunt her. "So, I know it's going to take some time, I know that but I want us to try; I want you as more, so much more."

He squeezed his eyes closed, as so many emotions crashed down on him, "I-I can't believe you...that...I had no idea you felt that way."

"I didn't either, not at the time," she confessed, caressing his face.

"I'm so sorry I put you through that, hurt you so much. I swear I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, Mon."

She shook her head fiercely her hands on his chest, "No."

"No?" he frowned confused, cold doubt starting to crept through. Had he misunderstood...

"I don't want a relationship based on past mistakes and guilt, that wouldn't be right. You've already apologised Chandler and I've already forgiven you, so there's no need to make anything up to me. You've got to forgive yourself for a mistake you made 5 years ago, a mistake where you were hurting so badly you thought you had no other options."

A slow smile eventually spread across his face as he shook his head in awe, "I can't believe this is happening," he swallowed. "That you're here, that you forgive me, that you want to be with me. It's just beyond everything you know? I just-"

"For me too," she reassured him, placing a firm kiss to his lips.

He accepted it for a moment before reluctantly pulling back, "It maybe a little late for this but we probably shouldn't rush into this."

"Yeah, too late," she grinned, kissing him again.

Again, he enjoyed the kiss for a long moment before pulling away, "I'm being serious, last night emotions were high and we got caught up with...doing things. So much huge stuff is going on and maybe we should give ourselves a little time to adjust and-"

"Chandler," she warned, "I've wanted this for 5 years, you've wanted it for longer, that's enough time wasted. I get what you mean and we can take it at a slower pace but please don't ask me to step back from this or keep away from you," her blue eyes pleaded with him, her own insecurities bubbling to the surface. "Don't ask me to be just your friend for a while because that's not, I mean I can't-"

"No, no," he promised quickly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," he pressed his lips to hers in a slow promise, his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

He would take this at whatever pace she wanted. Let her take the lead. She was placing a lot of trust in him and he needed to return that.

As the kiss grew heated, a sudden ringing filled the hotel room, startling them both.

"Alarm," he mumbled, his lips reattaching to hers.

Rolling them both over, his arm stretched out, flailing around in the vague direction of the small alarm clock. He only succeeded in knocking it from the bedside table and onto the floor; the alarm still continuing only now it had progressed to a high pitched shrill.

He groaned, wishing he could ignore the noise but eventually it was too much and with a lot of effort he lifted off her, climbed off the bed and shut the damn thing off.

Not the most comfortable with being naked, despite all the things she'd done with his body last night, he quickly shrugged on his robe, before turning back to the bed, taking her in. She was here with him, in his bed. She wanted to be with him, wanted a future with him. It was unbelievable really, especially knowing his relationship with karma.

"I guess you need to get ready for work?" she sighed disappointed and unsure of how she'd be able to let him go as old fears started to churn within her.

What if he left and didn't return...

"No," he shook his head, perching on the bed and taking her hands in his. His soft touch helping to reassure and ground the both of them.

"No?"

"I don't wanna leave you, Monica, not already," he grinned a little sheepishly at her, slightly embarrassed but needing to be honest. "I can play hooky at work today, you're so much more important to me...is that ok?"

A touch of red stained her cheeks, "That's ok," she agreed softly. "I've legitimately got the day off, so we could spend it together?"

He swallowed, trying to keep the smile from his face as he squeezed her hand, "I'd like that very very much but we can't just spend the day in here doing that. I think I need to recharge."

She giggled, the blush deepening, "That's ok too. I probably need to check in with the others before we start our day together anyway. I've been gone since last night and they'll worry."

"Right," he nodded, looking down as his guilt reawakened, "the others."

"You need to see them, Chandler," she told him softly.

"I know," he winced. "I can't avoid them forever but..."

"Then come with me, see them and-"

He shook his head fiercely, "I can't just walk in there now and be like 'hey remember me? The guy that abandoned you all, well I'm back!' No way. I want to see them again but not like that."

They deserved so much better.

She studied him a moment, chewing her lip before an idea came to her, "Dinner."

"Huh?"

"Come for dinner, at mine. I'll go see them all now and say you're coming over tonight and they'll have time to come to terms with it."

He sighed, looking down, it was a good idea but he wasn't looking forward to it.

"Do they even want to see me?" he asked softly. "I wouldn't blame them if they never want to see me again."

"They want to see you," she promised taking his hand. "They want to get over this and move on, we all do."

He met her honest eyes, eyes that he didn't think he'd ever get to stare into again. He'd already promised himself that he'd do anything to make her happy, to never hurt her again.

"Ok," he said softly, "sure."

The pure joy on her face was reward enough.

"Thank you, Chandler," she pulled him into a tight hug, one he returned and cherished.

"It's you I should be thanking," he sighed into her hair, keeping their embrace for a moment longer; drawing strength from it and just proving to himself that this was all real, that she was in his arms.

This was actually happening.

* * *

As Monica floated out of the hotel she couldn't help but throw a smug look over to the reception desk; even though it was different staff, it still felt good. As she walked home she didn't try to stop the large smile that crept over her face as she thought back to last night, thought back to this morning. She still couldn't quite believe she had found him, that he'd wanted to be found and that he was coming home.

She soon made it to her apartment building, pausing at the top of the stairs, trying to compose herself. She knew they'd have questions, lots of questions no doubt that she'd have to try and answer. They had all been supportive of her finding him but they hadn't talked much about what they'd do when they found him. She'd been too focussed on the hunt, too obsessed with the mission of tracking him down that she just prayed they'd continue to support her...to support him.

Him.

The smile came back instantly, remembering just how blue those eyes were and how that boyish grin made him look so cute. God, how she'd missed him. Bringing herself back to the present, she squared her shoulders and pushed open the door. Within seconds she was surrounded.

"Did Carol know where he was?"

"Did you find him?"

"Did you talk?"

"Is he here?"

"Is he-"

"Guys!" Monica interrupted, pushing her way pass to hang her jacket up, disturbed when she turned back around and they were right there. Staring. Waiting. "I found him," she announced, knowing she was beaming with happiness as they congratulated her.

"I'm so pleased for you, Mon," Rachel hugged her. "Did you manage to talk to him?"

"Yeah, we talked for hours," she couldn't help but smile at the memory. "It was so wonderful, like we'd never been apart."

"But you have been," Ross pointed out quietly. "For five years."

She turned studying her older brother, seeing the apprehension in his eyes.

"I know," she said softly coming to stand in front of him. "And I haven't forgotten that and neither has he. He feels horrible for what he did but I want us to be able to move on from it. All of us...so," she took a deep breath, "so, I've invited him here tonight, for dinner."

"What?" Ross asked surprised.

"I think that's a good idea," Rachel supported her, shooting a look at Ross. "We can all meet him then, get to know him."

"It's just so sudden," Ross explained, frowning. "After all this time he's suddenly gonna be in this apartment tonight, sharing dinner like nothing's happened?"

"It's not like that and you've had a month to prepare," Monica pointed out. Her eyes pleaded with him to not ruin this for her, "Please, I know it's gonna be hard but we have to push through it. He wants to come back into the group and I want him to be accepted. You know my feelings for him, you know how desperately I've been searching for him. Please don't make this difficult, or ask me to choose, Ross."

"I won't," Ross swallowed guiltily. "It's just...I don't know..."

"Just give him a chance, that's all I ask."

Ross studied her a moment before reluctantly agreeing, "Fine."

"Thank you," she offered him a hint of a grin before turning to the next person most likely to protest. "Phoebe?"

"I'll want to talk to him, get my own answers but I'm ok with it. I know you're crazy about him and I'm not going to cause any problems," she pulled Monica in for a hug. "I can't believe we're going to see Chandler Bing again."

"He seems like a nice guy," Joey shrugged.

"He is," Monica spoke softly, "he really is."

A silence settled over the group before people starting moving, realizing they were late for work. Ross was first to shoot out of the door, soon followed by Joey, leaving the girls alone.

"So..." Rachel asked with a little knowing smirk, "You were gone the whole night..."

"Was I?" Monica smiled innocently.

"Did you sleep with him?" Phoebe asked direct to the point.

"Shouldn't you guys be at work?" Monica tried to dismiss them, avoiding the question.

"You did sleep with him! Oh my god!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"Ok," Monica admitted, unable to stop the stupid grin spreading across her face and knowing she was beaming with happiness. "Look it wasn't planned or anything, it just happened but I...it was so..."

"It was so good it left you speechless?" Rachel teased.

"Oh yeah!"

"Wow," Rachel murmured, a little jealous as she shared a look with Phoebe.

"I know," Monica nodded, glad she always had the girls to chat to and share this stuff with. "I'm not sure if it was just the built up emotions or just our desperate need to be near one another but it was incredible, amazing. We came together again and again throughout the night and it was breathtaking, I've never experienced anything like it before..."

"Congratulations, Mon," Rachel pulled her in for a hug, not surprised when Phoebe joined in.

The three of them stayed in their embrace for a few moments, soaking up the support and love.

"I'm pleased you finally got what you've wanted for so long," Phoebe told her sincerely. "You deserve it."

"Thank you," Monica smiled, still unable to believe this was actually happening.

* * *

Chandler stood at the entrance to the park, his hands in his pants' pockets as he rocked on his feet, waiting anxiously. He'd deliberately turned up early, not wanting her for one second to fear that he'd changed his mind and ran. He didn't want her to doubt anything from last night or this morning, so he felt it important to not be late. However, as he waited for her a little doubt crept in for himself. What if her initial excitement had worn off? What if in seeing her friends and getting back to her apartment reality had hit and she remembered what he'd put her through.

He looked around, his eyes scanning the hundreds of people that passed him going about their day. Would she come alone? What if the others insisted on coming too, not willing to wait until dinner to skin him alive and to make him pay for his past sins?

"Chandler!"

Instantly, he turned in the direction of her voice, seeing her practically running towards him, a huge smile gracing her features. Relief swept through him and he smiled broadly as he caught her, hugging her tightly. Her grip was just as strong as she clung to him and he knew that he'd made the right decision to get here early.

"Hi," he greeted softly as their hold on each other loosened enough for him to look at her beautiful face.

"Hey," she replied, relief evident in her voice. "I'm so glad you're here," she admitted before hurrying, "I mean, I knew you'd be here but part of me, was nervous in case I'd dreamt it all, or you'd changed your mind or-"

"No 'or'," he promised, his hand forming a loose fist, the back of his knuckles caressing her cheek. "I promise you Mon, I meant every word I said this morning, I'm back for good. I'm never gonna be so stupid to leave you again."

He saw unshed tears in her eyes before she looked down. He tilted her face up, meeting her blue eyes for a long moment before pressing his lips softly to hers to seal his promise.

"Thank you," she smiled softly.

"No need, I understand, it's gonna take time but we'll get there."

Her smile widened as she nodded, appreciating that he understood her fears. Unable to resist she pressed forward and they shared another sweet kiss, enjoying the new found sensations, loving the chemistry they shared.

"Come on," he smiled at her when the kiss ended, grabbing her hand with his.

"Where did you want to go?" she asked as he slowly led her into the park, their pace unhurried.

"I don't mind," he shrugged easily as they dodged a wobbly kid on a bike. "I was kinda thinking maybe a bit of a walk then we can grab a bite to eat somewhere but it's up to you, I'm just here for the company."

She chuckled, loving how playful he was, loving how his eyes were dancing, so different to how they'd been in those final months five years ago, when they'd been so guarded and hurt. Now they careful free and full of life.

"A walk together sounds lovely," she agreed as they continued along the path, letting others hurry pass them as they strolled together, fingers still entwined.

"So," he eventually braved, "how did the others take it?"

"Ok actually, a little shell-shocked maybe but mainly happy. Ross, I don't know, I think he's just hurt but once you speak to him, explain your reasons, I think he'll come around. Phoebe understands how much this search has meant to me and I'm pretty sure she'll reconcile with you just to see me happy."

"She cares about you," he observed gently.

"Yeah she does, she's a good friend," Monica grinned. "And Rachel, she's excited, not only for me but because she always enjoys a good romance; I never told her that her favorite author happens to be your mother, what until she finds that out."

He chuckled.

"And as for Joey," she continued, "he's happy because they'll be another boy in the group but mainly because I think he blamed himself for bumping into you and starting this all off again. He remembers the mess I was before and since he saw you I've been a little bit obsessed in trying to find you. I think he was getting worried in case I didn't..."

"But you did," he pointed out before her mind could go back there. "You found me and we're together."

She paused, turning to face him, her arms looping around his neck as she stared into his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Only because you were brave enough to write that letter."

"I shouldn't have been cowardly enough to run away in the first place," he corrected but she shook her head, understanding the pressures he was under before.

She stood on tip toe and their lips met, caressing and reassuring each other. It became passionate quickly, her fingers stroked his hair as his came to tangle in her soft strands. It took a roller skater loosing balance and bashing into his back to remind him that they were in public. They broke apart, chuckling ruefully, both slightly embarrassed and she resisted the temptation to suggest they cut short the walk, scrap lunch and just headed back to his hotel room to continue this; they were taking this slow. Letting themselves adjust to the craziness of the last day, month, half decade.

Glancing around to get his bearings, that's when Chandler realized where they were, the fountain clearly in his line of vision.

"Did you wait for long?" Monica asked, her eyes following his to the spot where they were meant to have met and reconciled. "The other night?"

"Uh yeah, fairly long," he swallowed, still eyeing the fountain.

"How long is fairly long?" she questioned, her hands stroking his chest in comfort.

"I don't want to say," he admitted, "it will make me look more than a little desperate."

"Chandler," she smiled, her fingers playing with his shirt button as her voice turned teasing, "Remember, I'm the crazy lady that woke up her ex sister in law late at night and had to get past the hotel security to come see you."

"So we're both a little desparate?" he grinned meeting her shining eyes.

"It was worth it," she promised, her lips pecking his. "Now, how long?"

"Close to 3 hours," he blushed a little as he awaited her verdict.

Her face went from teasing to regretful as she studied him, "I'm sorry," she eventually whispered. "You must have thought I wanted nothing to do with you."

"It's not your fault," he reassured her, "and even if you had you would have been perfectly in your rights. But it's in the past, Mon, you got the letter and you're here with me now, we're together now." His blue eyes stared at hers, his voice full of sincerity. "That's what matters, we're together now and for as long as you want me in the future. We're together again and all that's behind us."

She smiled, nodding in wonder before pulling him in for another kiss, followed by another as she tried to convey the intensity of her feelings.

He was right, the fact that they were together was the important thing. It was going to be hard work, but they could face it together and start focussing on the future...

First, they just had to get through the meal with the others...

* * *

A/N- I hope it was worth the wait although I suspect it possibly wasn't...me and this chapter had some major disagreements but hopefully we came to a compromise and it was readable! I'd love to hear any thoughts.

The next chapter seems to be behaving so should hopefully be up soon...


	12. Cause When You Feel Like You're Done

_Cause when you feel like you're done, And the darkness has won_

* * *

Chandler took a deep breath as he stood in the hallway between the two apartments. Despite everything that had happened last night and the fact that he'd spent the day with Monica, he still couldn't quite believe he was here again, that he had been invited to be here again. When he'd left 5 years ago he'd never thought he'd be back, hell, when he fled down the stairwell just over a month ago, he was certain it was for the last time.

But here he was.

Slowly he reached out an arm, his hands shaking as he gently traced the shiny metal numbers in front of him. Apartment 20. He could do this, he just had to face Ross and Phoebe and then he could say that he had stopped running from his past mistakes; that he had manned up and faced the consequences of his previous actions and finally wouldn't have it hovering over him any more and he could start afresh with Monica...god, this was huge.

But he could do this.

He _had_ to do this.

Chandler withdrew his hand and closed his eyes taking a few last calming breaths, summoning up the courage before he eventually curled his hand into a fist. Biting his lips, he raised it ready to knock when he heard a sudden voice behind him.

"My God, you're really here."

Shocked, he spun around to come face to face with his former best friend.

"Yeah, I uh, I guess I am," he replied weakly as he studied the man in front of him, noticing the little changes 5 years had made. He looked a little more grown up, more comfortable within his skin.

Ross continued to stare at him and he couldn't really blame him so waited him out, forcing himself to stay still no matter how uncomfortable he was with the scrutiny.

"I just..." Ross muttered more to himself than to Chandler, "I just can't believe you're actually here, I mean right here after all this time."

"Me neither, it's all a little surreal," Chandler admitted quietly.

"Um," Ross shook his head after a moment, obviously trying to get over the shock, "Can we talk first, alone?" he gestured to apartment 19.

"S-sure," Chandler agreed, not looking forward to this.

He'd abandoned the man, betrayed him and in the process had hurt both him and his little sister. It wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation.

With a final glance at him, Ross nodded then opened the door to his former apartment and walked inside. Throwing one last look at the apartment opposite, where Monica no doubt was waiting for him, Chandler hestitantly followed. His eyes quickly scanned the apartment still unable to believe he was back here.

It felt so weird, so bizarre.

The other man turned to face him and Chandler took a deep breath, trying to ready himself for the upcoming talk and deciding that he needed to go first. He needed to try and explain or at the very least apologize to him. If Ross got to go first he might not get a chance before he was kicked back onto the streets and told to leave them alone for good.

"Look," Chandler started, "For what it's worth I'm really sorry, Ross, truly sorry. I was an idiot, a complete ass. You didn't deserve it, you deserved a helluva lot more than your best friend just walking out on you with no explanation and if you can't forgive me then I totally get that."

He looked down, unable to meet his old friend's eyes any longer. He desperately prayed he could fix this somehow. Fix the hurt from five years ago. Fix the roots of their friendship that used to be so strong. Fix the fact he didn't want any bad blood between them any longer; if he wanted any kind of relationship with Monica, Ross had to accept him and that was a big ask.

"I hated you for a while," Ross spoke quietly and Chandler closed his eyes at the words, pained although he expected it, fully deserved it. "Hated you more than I can remember hating anyone. Everyone was so upset, couldn't fathom what had happened. Once it became clear you left by choice, that you could just do that to us it was too much.

"Then Kip left and Monica was just a shell of her former self, completely broken and every time someone said your name she'd look so sad and distraught...and I hated you for that, I blamed you for what was happening to her. Then, every Christmas and New Year we couldn't celebrate because of you...you were like this dark cloud hanging over us; a reminder that someone we'd trusted for years, that we had been best friends with could just abandon us and leave us behind without so much as a goodbye.

"I can't tell you how often I've rehearsed in my head what I'd say if I ever saw you again."

Chandler nodded slowly, swallowing as he looked up and met his eyes steadily, "Now's your chance."

"It's different now, too much has changed," he dismissed, shaking his head.

"Meaning?" Chandler asked curious.

"I didn't realize about," he cleared his throat, looking away a little awkwardly, "you know, how you felt about Monica."

"Oh."

"I'm still angry, still hurt by everything you did, Chandler but, I can understand it more," Ross confessed a little awkwardly. "See, when Rachel first moved back to the city I was madly in love with her for about a year before we got together. During that year she started dating this Italian guy, chose him instead of me and it really, well it really sucked,

"And, that was just some stranger but it hurt, hurt bad. I can't imagine what it would have felt like if she'd got with...with Joey for example. Seeing them together all the time and knowing I'd lost out to a friend. I don't think I would have survived that. So, since this has all come to light I do understand your motives and stuff a lot more and..." he trailed off clearly unable to find the words he wanted.

"It was difficult," Chandler finally picked up. "It was a horrible time and I really wouldn't wish it on anybody. I felt trapped in this endless loop and I couldn't see any way out other than insanity. Even so, if I could go back and change my actions I would, Ross, I really would. You guys were like family, the best family I ever had and I shouldn't have thrown that away, not for anything. I've regretted it ever since."

Ross nodded to himself, walking over to the kitchen counter, running his fingers over it before turning and leaning against it. Chandler's eyes tracked him, wishing he could read him better, like he used to be able to; not now though, too much had changed.

"Monica's crazy about you," Ross informed him matter-of-factly, "She uh, she's been pretty unstoppable when she found out you were back in Manhattan."

Chandler offered him a small curve of a smile, quick, hesitant and gone within seconds, "I'm still crazy about her too."

Ross nodded again looking down at the floor as Chandler swallowed, trying to decide what to say as an uncomfortable silence began to fall over them.

"I'm, uh sorry about you and Carol," he finally offered, wincing as it sounded lame to his own ears. "I mean, I knew things weren't going great before I left but I never expected you would break up or get divorced."

"Yeah, well," Ross shrugged a little, "I didn't really have much of a choice when she decided she liked women."

Chandler nodded, grimacing at his tone.

"But it's alright now," Ross surprised him by continuing. "It was a horrible time and it took us a while but we're good; I, uh I even gave her away at their wedding as her father wouldn't. It was hard but we have to be ok for Ben's sake."

"Yeah, uh congratulations by the way, I can't believe you're a father, that's pretty nuts."

"I know," Ross smiled a genuine smile this time. "It wasn't exactly planned and the circumstances are far from perfect but I love him so much. I wouldn't change him for anything...it turns out Fatherhood is kinda neat."

Chandler studied him again, not able to believe that Ross had matured so much from the dorky college kid he'd once known.

"You've really grown up," Chandler observed quietly. He was happy for Ross, but also sad that he hadn't been there to watch him grow, to support him.

"Things have changed a lot since you left," Ross mused quietly with no accusation in his voice. "I had to grow up, having a kid does that to you but I, uh I still have dinosaur figures in my bedroom."

A large smile spread across Chandler's face. Pleased that the man before him hadn't completely changed.

"What grown man doesn't?" he chuckled and he was pleased to hear Ross chuckle back.

"I've missed you, man."

Chandler blinked, surprised by the man's admission; in the thousands of times he'd pictured a reunion with Ross it had never gone this smoothly, never. He should have given his friends a lot more credit.

"I missed you too," he admitted.

"I'll try to move on from it all," Ross eventually promised quietly but sincerely, "you're still one of the best friends I ever had, we've got a lot of history and I'd like to try and salvage that but you have to promise me that you will never hurt her, Chandler, I mean it. She's already gone through so much because of you and I know you weren't thinking straight and all before, but if you ever leave again, just walk out on her if things get too much, I swear I will hunt you down and kill you and-"

"It's not going to happen, Ross," he told him quickly, confidently. "I've spent the last five years trying to function without her and I can't. She is everything to me and for whatever reason I've been given a second chance that I know I don't deserve. I may be stupid but I'm not stupid enough to throw this away, not again." He waited a beat then tried a cheeky grin, testing the waters,"and no offence, but if memory serves me right there's not many trained killers amongst the palentologist crowd."

He held his breath, waiting to see how his attempt at humor had been received. Thankfully after a beat Ross' serious face softened slightly and he chuckled ruefully.

"I'd almost forgotten your unique sense of humor."

"It's still there, I'm afraid," he admitted, pleased that Ross' smile widened.

"Good, I wouldn't have it any other way."

Ross then took a step towards him, his arms wide and Chandler accepted the hug gratefully. Holding his friend close for a moment, silently apologizing for everything he'd put him through and everything he'd missed.

"Woah, sorry, don't let me interrupt."

The pair broke apart to reveal Joey, who offered them a small nod.

"I was just dumping this before dinner," Joey gestured to his rucksack, which he dropped by the fooseball table. "I'll, uh, see you guys over there."

"Um Joey?" Chandler asked hesitantly, turning towards the man he'd run from those weeks ago, "Could, uh, could you possibly do me a favor and let Monica know we're over here? I don't want her to think I've gone AWOL already," he winced apologetically.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Joey looked between the two of them once again and nodded before leaving his apartment.

"He's a good guy, one of the best I know," Ross said sincerely as Chandler turned back to him. "He's not very bright but he has a big heart."

"I got that impression, from the lunch we shared," Chandler agreed. "I'm glad you guys were able to find some new friends, managed to keep the gang going."

"Yeah," he wet his lips, "it's a good group, a really good group," he looked up meeting his eyes, "but there's room for one more."

Chandler smiled, ducking his head for a moment. "Thanks," he finally nodded, his voice a little hoarse. "I know it's not just gonna click back into place but I'd love to try...assuming the others want me too."

"They will," Ross nodded confidently, "Monica definitely does, Joey liked you, Rachel will like you as you aren't me and Phoebe, well she's a little pissed."

"Just little?" he asked skeptically, "I have visions of her cutting off my testicles and serving them to me on Monica's best china," he shuddered slightly. "I still vividly remember her stories about her colorful past...they were pretty scary."

"I know, she's a tough cookie but she'll forgive you, she may not admit it but she's missed you too."

"We'll see," he sighed, not committing.

He was grateful for Ross forgiving him, had expected it to be a lot harder and he knew there was work to be done, but the fact the man was willing to try was more than enough for Chandler. He just hoped Phoebe would hear him out and not just for Monica's sake. He wanted to build genuine bridges with all of them and try to move past all this and focus on the future; a future where he wouldn't let them down again...or at least not purposely.

"Come on," Ross clapped his shoulder. "We should probably get over there before Monica thinks I've become the first trained killer in that palentologist group."

Chandler scoffed slightly, "Yeah, I remember what you were like at Karate, so I'm still going to assume I'm safe."

Ross smiled ruefully before staring at him.

"What?" he frowned.

"It's," he shook his head, "it's nothing really, it's just, I still can't believe you're actually here. Actually back."

"I know," Chandler nodded in understanding. "It's all a little crazy but at the same time it feels...right, ya know? Right to be back."

Ross agreed before silently walking passed him and opening the door, waiting. With a deep breath Chandler glanced around at his old apartment one last time before stepping back into the hallway. He stood outside the door, just staring at it as Ross closed apartment 19.

"You ok?" he asked.

"Yeah," he let out a heavy breath, his eyes still fixed in front of him. "Just, you know," he shrugged, "this place used to be home. More than my old place."

"And I'm sure it will feel like that again, give it time."

He nodded, swallowing as he searched for the courage, "Are, uh the walls still purple?" he joked.

"Oh yeah," Ross chuckled, "I don't think that will ever change, remember what bitch it was to paint them in the first place? Come on." He moved passed him and gripped the handle. "It'll be fine," he promised quietly before pushing open the door. "Hey!" he called loudly walking in.

With a final deep breath, he stepped over the threshold. His eyes automatically finding Moinca's and locking onto those blue depths. He drew courage and the strength he needed from seeing how happy and relieved she was to see him. They may have spent the day together, only been apart for a couple of hours but he still coudlnt' get over that she was actually there.

"Hi," she rushed over, leaving the oven in favor of approaching him, her hand cementing onto his arm as she stared into his eyes. "You made it."

"I managed to remember the way here," he quipped before his voice softened, "plus, I wouldn't miss it for anything."

With a huge smile she finally broke the contact to acknowledge her brother before pulling Chandler further into the apartment. He looked around, taking it all in, his breath catching in his throat. It was all so overwhelming; everything looked and felt so familiar, yet somehow so different.

He couldn't believe he was actually back.

"You've met Joey," she gestured to the man on the couch who offered a small wave.

"Sure," he nodded at him, he probably needed to apologize for the way he'd left the apartment all those weeks ago.

"And, you remember Rachel?"

"Yeah," he offered her a small smile, trying to remain still as she critcally looked him over, "Hi."

"Hi," she said, a little slower, maybe a tad suspicious. "It's nice to see you again, it's been a while."

"Yeah," he nodded, accepting what may have been a dig with ease. He looked around for the person he was most fearful of, "Where's Phoebe?"

"She's running late," Monica told softly, she was still touching his arm and Chandler was grateful for the contact. Felt grounded. "Want a drink?"

"Uh sure," he wet his lips, allowing her to drag him over to the kitchen and away from the others, although he could feel all their eyes on him.

"You ok?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah," he nodded looking around once more, spotting some of the familiar ornaments and blue shelves. "It's just so surreal you know. I can't believe everything that's happened. It's crazy."

"You're happy though?"

"Monica," he said softly, touching her cheek, "I couldn't have asked for more. I still wouldn't blame any of you for kicking my ass and never speaking to me again."

"No one's going to do that," she promised, "how did it go with Ross?"

"Good," he offered her a small smile, "A lot better than I'd ever imagined."

Suddenly the apartment door flew open.

"Is he here yet? Is he-" Phoebe froze as her eyes landed on him. "You're here."

"Uh yeah," he swallowed, grateful for Monica's hand squeezing his reassuringly. "Hi Phoebe."

He stared at her, lke the others she'd changed, matured since he'd last seen her.

"If you guys want to talk you can use my bedroom," Monica suggested quietly. "You've got a bit of time before the food's ready."

Phoebe nodded, walking pass him and straight into Monica's bedroom. Chandler swallowed again, he could do this. After this that was all of them. He knew Phoebe wouldn't make it easy but he didn't deserve easy.

"Good luck," Monica whispered and he looked at her, drawing strength from her beautiful eyes. It was all worth it. She made it worth it.

With a tight smile he released her hand and walked passed the couch, feeling the others eyes on him as he entered the room. Turning to close the door he yelped in surprise as she cuffed the back of his head.

"You're a complete ass-wad."

"I guess that was deserved," he muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

He allowed his eyes to briefly flicker across Monica's bedroom before falling onto the angry woman in front of him.

"I've had a lot of people abandon me, Chandler, lots but I didn't expect it from you."

"I know, I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't expect it from me either."

"You could have talked to me, I offered so many times."

"I know," he swallowed guiltily, "and I was an idiot for not taking you up on it. I just…you were her roommate and at the time it seemed such a huge thing. I just had it in my head that I shouldn't talk to anyone."

He could feel her eyes on him, studying him.

"I know I was a complete…ass-wad," he offered her the briefest hint of a smile, "And I'm sorry I hurt you, all of you, that was never my intention. I thought you'd all just hate me and then move on. I dealt with the whole situation wrong and I've regretted it ever since."

"Move on?" Phoebe asked confused. "I know you never had the most self confidence but did you really think we'd be able to just 'move on'? Just like that? Forget all about you?"

He swallowed, nodding, "I was at a pretty low point," he admitted. "Thought I was being more trouble than I was worth so..."

Suddenly her arms were around him, giving him a tight hug which he accepted confused.

"You really are a ass-wad, you were one of us. You meant a lot to each of us and you shouldn't have ever doubted it."

He swallowed, nodding as he hugged her tight.

"We missed you," Phoebe told him, pulling back slightly. "We missed your stupid jokes, lame sense of humor and those awful ties. You're back for good now? I mean Monica..."

"I m back for good," he agreed quietly, "as long as you want me? I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and-"

She hugged him again and he stayed silent.

"We've really gotta work on that self confidence," she sighed quietly, then shook her head, "God, how do you do it?"

"What?" he frowned.

"I wanted to hate, expected to hate you but now you've got me feeling sorry for you."

"One of my special talents?" he joked lightly, relieved that she smiled.

"I also forgot your legendary wit," she grinned.

They stared at each other a moment and finally she nodded, "Welcome back, Chandler."

He shook his head, "You don't have to forgive me just like that," he argued. "I don't deserve it."

"I told you already to work on that confidence," she smiled, her hand touching his arm briefly. "It won't happen overnight, I'll still be watching you close Bing, but we were good friends and besides Monica's crazy about you. If you're here to stay then I'd never make her chose between us and you."

"Me neither," he promised softly. "And I am here to stay. I'm never doing that again."

She eyed him for a long moment before finally nodding, "I want to believe you Chandler but I should warn you you're still on my list."

"Ok," he blinked surprised.

"But with time you'll be able to come off it."

"I hope so," he grinned relieved as her smile widened.

"Then we better get back out there. Prove to Monica I didn't skin you alive."

"I would laugh but part of me assumes you've considered doing that more than once?"

"It was the back up option if you didn't behave," she smiled fully. "Come on."

She linked her arm through his and they turned towards the bedroom door.

"Phoebe?" He paused and she turned curious. "I really am sorry."

"You sound like a repeat record already," she joked before turning serious. "I know, Chandler, I know."

He met her eyes studying them for a moment before nodding and they resumed their walk. As predicted 4 heads shot up and Chandler grimaced, not comfortable with being centre of attention although he suspected he should get used to it. His eyes sought out Monica's across the room, reassuring her a small smile which she returned.

Releasing Phoebe he walked back to the kitchen and Monica smiled at him, her hand rubbing his arm, both aware that every slightest interaction between them was probably being watched and analyzed but not caring.

"It go ok?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," he nodded, a soft smile touching his lips, "everyone's been so...nice. I didn't expect that, never in a million years."

"They've missed you," she swallowed, her eyes bright as she stepped even closer into his personal space, "we all have but you're home now, that's what matters."

Getting caught up in her eyes, he momentarily forgot the others and leaned forwards, his soft lips finding hers. It was a brief kiss but he savoured it. As they pulled away they shared a smile.

"Go, mingle with the others," she shooed him away gently. "I need to cook and I know they have questions for you."

"Sending me alone and unarmed into the lion's den?" he asked in mock shock.

"I'll come rescue you if needed, I promise."

He stared into her eyes for a moment longer then nodded, "Ok."

With a deep breath, he pulled his eyes away from hers and onto _the others_ , who all quickly looked away, trying to make it look as if they hadn't been prying. Readying himself to leave his security blanket, he slowly walked away from her and towards them, telling himself it would be fine.

"Hey," he greeted warily, hovering by the couch.

"Hey," Ross replied, "uh, feel free to sit down," he gestured to the empty armchair and with a nod of appreciation he took it, swallowing as they all stared at him expectantly.

God, he felt like the world's biggest freak right now. Uncomfortable he dropped his gaze, his hands nervously gripping one another as his knees started to bounce. He knew all this tension was his own doing, he was the one that had tried to sabotage their friendships, so knew he had to be patient as they were slowly rebuilt. Still, it was unnerving. Very unnerving.

"It's just so weird you're really here," Phoebe broke the silence, causing him to look up at her. "I mean Chandler Bing is back in the group, hanging out at apartment 20 while Monica cooks dinner. It's so surreal."

The others nodded.

"Even for us," Rachel gestured between herself and Joey. "We've heard so many stories about you and since your return to New York Monica's had us all out looking for you, it's strange you've actually been found. You're here."

"Yeah, uh," he cleared his throat a little, "for me too. As much as I wanted to I never thought I'd be surrounded by these purple walls again. Never thought I'd get the chance to be here with you guys. It's crazy, good but crazy."

"It's crazy how we randomly bumped into each other in that sandwich place," Joey joined in.

"That's not crazy, Joseph, it's fate," Phoebe informed him. "The universe knew it was time for him to come back."

"Sure, Phoebs," Ross scoffed as Phoebe shot daggers at him.

Chandler grinned a little, his body relaxing a fraction. He remembered Phoebe and Ross' endless arguments between science and...well, Phoebe.

"It's true!" she told him. "My psychic even predicted it."

"What? When?"

"Really cool!"

Rachel and Joey spoke at the same time, the first looking skeptical as hell and the other amazed and excited. It was interesting to understand the new dynamics of the group.

As Phoebe waffled on about some visit to a medium a few months back, Chandler found his attention drifted to the woman in the kitchen. He knew he should be paying attention to his new friends but he couldn't help it, she was addictive. His eyes sought her out, a warmth overcoming him when he discovered she was watching him too. He offered her a shy smile which she returned before returning her attention to the oven.

"That proves nothing!" Ross' voice brought Chandler back to the group. "It was pure chance."

"Fate."

"Luck."

"Karma."

"Um, as much as I've missed these highly interlectual debates, whatever the reason for me meeting Joey like that, I'm very grateful. And Joey, I'm sorry for the way I ditched you. I guess it's fair to say I freaked out a little," he shrugged.

"That's ok, I totally get it," Joey dismissed easily. "If I'd known who you are I wouldn't have casually invited you back to your old apartment like that. Hey, maybe we can go to that Knicks game sometime?"

"Sure, I'd like that," Chandler agreed, surprised but very pleased.

"All three of us could go," Ross suggested. "Could be fun."

Monica walked over from the kitchen area coming to stand beside Chandler's chair, her hand finding his shoulder automatically, "Aw, a little male bonding time. It's sweet."

Rachel and Phoebe laughed as Joey and Ross pulled a face. Chandler just grinned, loving being here, loving being a part of the group again, making arrangements for sports nights...it all felt so normal, like he was accepted.

"Anyway, dinner's ready."

"Smells delicious," Joey announced, jumping up at a surprising speed and heading straight for the table.

"You doing ok?" Monica whispered, her hand, reaching up to stroke his hair briefly as the others followed Joey at a much slower pace.

"Very ok," he grinned back, holding out a hand and letting her pull him up with a chuckle.

"Good," she swallowed as they stared at each other a moment.

As Monica leaned in Chandler closed his eyes, letting the feeling of kissing her overwhelm him. It was still so new and exciting as their lips caressed each others in a silent promise. He still couldn't believe this was all happening.

"Do you have to?" Ross called. "We're trying to eat here."

They pulled away and Chandler looked a little sheepish; finding the look rather adorable Monica placed a chaste kiss to his lips before taking his hand and pulling him to the table. She only released his hand at the last moment, both pleased that the others had left two free chairs next to each other.

As he ate Monica's lovely home-cooked meal, listening to the others laughter and light-hearted conversation surround him, he relaxed even more. When Monica pressed her knee to his, her hand occasionally stroking his thigh he relaxed completely, a smile spreading across his face.

He was glad to be back.

TBC...

* * *

A/N - Thanks again for all the amazing reviews - you guys are awesome :o)


	13. Babe You're Not Lost

_Babe, you're not lost_

* * *

"Phoebe wanna share a cab?" Ross asked with a yawn, it had been an emotional and eventful night. Phoebe nodded jumping up to get her coat as he turned to the man that had been the reason for the emotional and eventful night. "Chandler, you want a ride back to your hotel?"

"Uh," Chandler faltered, his eyes dropping to Monica who sat snuggled into his side.

"Real subtle, Ross," Rachel rolled her eyes. "Leave them alone."

"What? I was just asking," he argued.

"Yeah, right."

"Actually," Monica cut in before they could start a fight, shifting to sit up slightly, "we're gonna talk some more, right Chandler?"

"Uh, yeah," he swallowed, as her hand landed on his thigh. "S-sure."

"Yeah baby!" Joey cheered, surprised at the glares he received. "What? I understood the code."

"Come on, Joey," Phoebe fondly shook her head as she forcibly pulled him from his chair and pushed him towards the door. She then came over to Chandler who hesitantly stood up and she embraced him. "It's good to have you back," she whispered in his ear.

"It's good to be back," he replied honestly.

It really was. He hadn't expected it, had dreaded it even but he really shouldn't have. Despite everything they had made him feel at ease, made him feel welcome and part of the group once more.

Phoebe pulled back smiling at him, her eyes lingering on him a long moment before she nodded to herself, presumably satisfied. Ross was then next to walk over and hug him.

"Good seeing you, man," he patted his back.

"You too," Chandler agreed. "And again I'm sorry for everything."

"I know...just stick around this time and we'll be good," Ross smiled.

Chandler doubted it would be quite that easy but nodded gratefully as he watched the three friends give a final wave and bid goodbyes before disappearing through the door. His eyes moved and fell to Rachel, catching her studying him before she quickly looked away.

"Well, I'll just, uh," Rachel gestured towards her bedroom. "Night guys."

"Goodnight," they said in unison as she quickly headed across the room and closed her door, leaving the pair alone.

"You did it," Monica murmured quietly, standing up and coming to stand in front of him, her arms sliding around his neck as his seemed to naturally fit around her waist. "How do you feel?"

"Good," he promised with a relieved smile. "I won't lie, I was absolutely dreading it but Phoebe and Ross went easy on me, much more than I deserved and Rachel and Joey seemed really nice too. It's a good group you've got going here."

"A group you wanna be a part of?" she questioned and he could hear the uncertainty hovering in her voice

"You know the answer to that," he reassured her gently, tightening his arms around her and gently pressing his lips to hers. "I want to be a part of this again, I really wish I never left in the first place."

"Me too," she promised, "but that's the past, you're here now, that's what matters."

"That I am," he grinned as she leaned forwards and kissed him.

It was meant to be a brief, chaste kiss but she found herself unable to pull away. Instead she was drawn to him, enjoying the taste and feel of his lips. As the kiss deepened she pressed her body closer against his, her fingers threading through the soft strands of his hair as she cradled the back of his head, ensuring he didn't try to escape. He didn't, instead he tightened his own grip on her hips, causing her to let out a satisfied groan as she felt their bodies come closer together.

"Mon?" he murmured breathlessly against her lips. "I thought we were taking this slowly?"

"We will," she promised heatedly as she started to place kisses along his jaw. "But not tonight."

He closed his eyes as she started to unbutton the first few buttons of his shirt; it was a sweet sweet torture as her fingertips lightly brushed his bare chest.

"Monica..." he tried again although her talented hands were starting to make him forget his reasons to argue.

"Chandler," she broke away, looking into his eyes breathing heavily, her hands coming up to frame his face, "I've spent so many nights in that room, lying in my bed crying over you, missing you and praying that I'd get to see you again. I used to dream I was in your arms only to wake up and find myself alone. Please Chandler, please let us be together, let me wake up in your arms in my bed. It's been less than 24 hours...tomorrow we can slow down but tonight...I...just...I need..."

"Ok," he breathed, seeing the need reflected in her eyes, knowing the same need was reflected in his. "Ok," he whispered again before crashing his lips to hers.

She groaned at the intensity and together they staggered in vague direction of the bedroom.

* * *

"I should go," Chandler murmured, not moving as the morning sun started to stream in through her bedroom curtains.

"Can't you stay a bit longer?" she asked, her fingers tracing lazy patterns on his bare arm that lay across her stomach.

She couldn't believe that she had finally gotten her wish and woken up in his wonderful arms. She couldn't remember feeling as safe and secure and content as she did right now.

"I want to," he sighed heavily, "I really want to but I shouldn't."

"Are you sure you don't wanna stay for breakfast?" she tried again. "Everyone will be there and-"

"And that's exactly why I shouldn't be."

"What?" she frowned a little panicked as she tried to turn to face him, "Why?"

Had he changed his mind? Had the evening been too much? Had he spent the night thinking about it and -

"Hey, calm down, it's alright," he said quickly, comfortingly, pulling her back tighter to him and placing a soothing kiss into her soft hair. "It's not what you think."

"Then what? Enlighten me," she shuffled and he loosened his grip enough this time so she could roll over to face him.

"They're gonna want to gossip about me, talk together and have a chance to mull it all over without me being there," he explained softly into those blue eyes.

"That's crazy!"

"It's not," he corrected gently, shaking his head slightly, "trust me. Let them have breakfast, let them evaluate me or whatever they wanna do and then maybe we could have dinner or something together tonight?"

"Ok, but seriously if you want breakfast, they'll just talk about you in front of you anyhow. They have no shame."

He chuckled, pulling her closer as they shared a long lingering kiss.

"I wish I could stay here doing this," he sighed against her lips, pulling back before anything could get started, "but, I need to get over to the hotel anyhow, grab a shower and a suit and get to work to make up for playing hooky yesterday."

"You can't pull another sicky?" she tried innocently, tracing an idle pattern on his chest.

"As tempting as that sounds," he grinned placing a final kiss to her lips, "and believe me that's very tempting! I've got a big project on which I need to catch up on for yesterday, which was totally worth it," he winked, capturing her hands and bringing them to his lips before he finally moved from her embrace and got up from her bed.

"I'm gonna miss you," she confessed as she sat up, pulling the sheet closer to her body as she watched him getting dressed. "I know it sounds crazy, I mean it's only gonna be like 8 or 9 hours but I will, I'll miss you."

"Me too," he agreed, finishing getting changed before approaching the edge of the bed.

She kneeled up, the cover falling to her bed as she wrapped her arms around his neck pressing her body to his, "I think when I'm at work I might doubt any of this is real," she admitted quietly, "that I dreamed the whole thing."

"It's real," he promised softly kissing her before placing a light kiss to her cheek, her jaw before travelling down her neck and reaching her collarbone where he paused. "Want me to leave you a reminder?" he teased, his lips lingering on her skin.

"Don't you dare! I'm way too old for a hickey," she giggled, playfully pushing him away and he beamed happily at her bright eyes and relaxed face.

"If you say so," he chuckled, still in awe that this was all actually happening, that he had spent the night in Monica Geller's bedroom.

They shared a last long kiss before he reluctantly pulled away.

"I should really go before the others start arriving."

"Ok," she agreed with a sigh.

Unable to resist he stepped forward, placing a peck of a kiss to her lips, before moving away and walking towards the bedroom door.

"Have a good day and I'll see you later? Right?" she asked, although a hint of vulnerability was laced with her question.

He turned back meeting her blue eyes and holding them for a long moment, trying to convey his sincerity,"You know you will," he vowed, offering her a small reassuring smile before he disappeared, softly closing the door behind him.

With a contented sigh he looked around the once familiar apartment, hoping he'd be able to make it his home once again, make himself feel as comfortable here as he once was. Looking around as he walked across the living room he spotted the change in artwork and possessions, wondering idly if they were changes resulting from Phoebe moving out and Rachel moving in, or if Monica had just updated it, had moved on from the past.

When he reached the purple door he allowed his fingers to trace the weird yellow frame that had always been hanging on the back of the door surrounding the spyhole since day one. He was pleased it was still there now. He remembered her breaking it accidently on moving day, originally a small mirror that she'd bought especially for her bedroom. She'd been bummed about smashing it...before in typical Monica fashion she had found another use for it.

Shaking his head fondly at the memories, he stepped out of apartment 20 still finding it hard to comphrend everything that had happened. He was one lucky son of a gun he decided, although his assessment changed somewhat after he descended the first flight of stairs and literally ran into Ross.

Crap.

"H-hi," he stammered, suddenly very conscious of the fact he was wearing yesterday's clothes whilst coming out of the guy's little sister's apartment.

"Hey," Ross greeted back surprised.

"Look, I-"

"You don't have to explain anything," Ross dismissed, "You guys are together, you're allowed to stay over. It's just...it's still really weird seeing you here. I mean last night seemed so, I don't know, almost like you'd never been away but at the same time...I..." he shrugged helplessly.

"I know," he nodded, understanding the man's inablility to summarise it as he felt the same. "It is weird, but good weird."

This time Ross nodded, "It's weird but I want Monica to be happy and so, yeah I'll get used to the kisses and seeing you the morning after. It was nice to see her smiling so genuinely yesterday, like she's found herself again and you both couldn't stop looking at each other and holding hands...actually, if I'm honest I'm a little jealous..."

Chandler blinked.

"Of me dating Monica? Cause that's kinda gross."

"No, eww," Ross scrunched his face up instantly. "No, of course not. I meant, I had that with Rachel and now..." he trailed off.

Chandler chewed his lips studying his old friend.

"You think you guys will get back together?" he asked quietly.

He wasn't good at advice, it had never been his forte but he wanted to offer his friend an ear, it was the least he could do as he hadn't been there throughout the actual breakup...or the relationship.

"I don't know," Ross swallowed, leaning against the banister as he played with his fingers, diverting his gaze. "I want to and I really hope so, but as each day goes by it seems more and more unlikely."

"Ross, I remember how...obsessed you were by her when we started college. You were mad about her, surely she's worth fighting for?"

"She is," he sighed, "and I've tried believe me but she's not interested. I was an idiot and I know I hurt her, really really badly and I don't know if she'll ever be able to forgive me."

Chandler winced, not knowing what to say other than to try a little humor.

"Well, maybe try disappearing for 5 years?" he joked hesitantly with a grimace. "Seems to have worked for me."

Luckily Ross chuckled, shaking his head, "Nah, I think I'll pass."

"Good," Chandler grinned, "because believe me, it's a sucky option, really sucky. I'm just glad it worked out in the end."

"Yeah," Ross nodded ruefully, looking over at him, "So...you aren't staying for breakfast?"

"No, I have to get to work to see if everything's ok. They aren't used to me taking a day off and for all I know all hell's broken loose...what?"

"Chandler Bing caring about work? You really have changed," he smiled.

"I know," he nodded ruefully. "We've all grown up, on the outside at least. Anyhow, I better go but I'll see you later," with that he started down the stairs.

"Chandler?"

He turned back, "Yah?"

"It's good to have you back, man."

A smile spread across Chandler's face and he nodded before continuing down the steps and onto the street.

* * *

When Monica stepped out of her bedroom freshly showered and dressed, she wasn't surprised to find all her friends already sat at the table. Their excited buzz of conversation suddenly hushed as they spotted her and she rolled her eyes, Chandler had been right on the money.

"Come on then," she demanded as she poured herself some OJ. "What's the verdict?"

"Where is he?" Phoebe asked surprised, looking passed her. "You've not handcuffed him to the bed have you?"

"Nice," Joey approved as Ross screwed up his face making a noise of protest.

"Noooo, he's gone to work," Ross told them, "I spoke to him earlier."

"Besides we're taking things slow," she informed them as she joined them at the table, grabbing a piece of toast, not surprised that they hadn't attempted a more adventurous breakfast in her absence.

"Yeah right," Rachel scoffed, "I must have been sharing a wall with another couple last night."

Monica flushed a little as Ross made an even louder noise of protest.

"Well, we have a lot of lost time to catch up on," she defended quickly, "So come on, start talking, what are you all thinking?"

The others exchanged looks and she waited, feeling more anxious than she should. She was going to have him in her life regardless of their opinions, that much she knew for sure but she still wanted them to like him.

"It was kinda surreal," Ross ventured. "You know, after all this time but it was really good seeing him again. Really good."

The others nodded in agreement.

"He seems like a great guy. He's gonna fit into the group well," Joey shrugged.

"Yeah," Rachel agreed with a smile, "he's certainly changed a lot since the last time I saw him in that awful Miami Vice get up and oh, you chopped his toe off!"

"What?" Phoebe and Joey looked surprised. "You cut off his toe? How did I not know this?"

"That was a long time ago," Monica dismissed, "and I'd rather we didn't go into that right now, and please don't remind him about it, got it? Let's just stick to the topic at hand. We found him, he's back and I need to know you're all ok with it."

"We're ok with it," Phoebe confirmed for the group, "more than ok. I didn't realize how much I'd missed the doofus until last night."

Monica smiled at the 'doofus' comment, knowing it was meant somewhat fondly.

"Is he coming over again tonight?" Joey asked.

"Yeah, yeah he is," she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face just thinking about it.

He was back in their lives. They wanted him back, accepted him and he was back. Chandler was actually back.

"God, look at you," Rachel commented, "you're so loved up, I've never seen you like this."

Monica tried to shrug, but knew the dumb smile wasn't helping her case; she was loved up and she didn't care who knew it.

"You really are," Phoebe agreed, "although I don't know why that should surprise us given how intense you've been this last month looking for him but seriously, now he's here your aura is clearer than it's been in years. You're so happy and smiley."

"It's so great seeing you like this," Rachel picked back up, glancing at Ross briefly, regretfully before standing up to pull her housemate into a hug. "I'm so happy for you, Monica."

Before she could say anything, Phoebe joined the hug and she laughed. They were right she was happy, more than happy, she couldn't believe the search, the longing and despartation was over.

He was back in her life.

For good.

* * *

Chandler had worked his ass off today to get everything at work finished so he could get out on time. It was the earliest he'd left the office for years but he didn't care, nor did he care about the knowing smirk Susan had shot his way as he'd sprinted passed her desk. All that mattered was he now stood outside apartment 20 again. The main door had been left open so he hadn't been buzzed in. Should he knock? He never used to but that had been a long time ago, hopefully soon they'd reach that familarity again but that would be earned.

Deciding it was safer he knocked, quickly stuffing his hands in his pockets as he waited impatiently. The door eventually opened and his shoulders slumped slightly.

Oh.

"Hey Chandler," Rachel offered him a smile, "Come on in."

"Thanks," he followed her into the apartment, looking around for any signs of the woman he was dying to see. "Is Monica in?"

"Straight to the point," she chuckled retaking her seat at the kitchen table. "No, she's not back from work yet, but she should be back soon. Help yourself to a drink or whatever."

He nodded, feeling her eyes watching him as he grabbed a bottle of water and joined her at the table. Out of all the gang she was the one he'd spoken to the least and needed to get to know her. She was Monica's roommate and best friend and he suspected she had probably changed a lot since high school days.

"So...uh what do you do?" he attempted, trying to make conversation.

"I work at Bloomingdales."

"Neat," he nodded impressed.

"When I first moved here I worked downstairs at the coffeehouse but had always wanted to work in the fashion industry and then just went for it. It didn't go well at first but then this customer at the diner Monica works at got me an interview."

"Oh," Chandler assumed it was that Mark guy Monica had mentioned, "...that was nice of him."

She looked across from him, her eyes narrowing fractionally, "That's what Ross said."

"Oh?" he tried for innocent.

"Mark's actually part of the reason we broke up," she was watching him intently, no doubt trying to figure out exactly how much he knew and whose side of the break up he was on.'

"Oh," he wet his lips a little uncomfortable, realizing he had to move on from one syallable words. His eyes darted to the door wishing Monica would hurry up and save him. "Yeah, uh Monica told me about some of it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, look we don't have to talk about it, I barely know you...and it's not really any of my business."

"No, but you're rejoining the gang and this is a big talking point...well, not as big as your return, " she corrected with a small grin which he returned.

"Did you like Mark or was it all in Ross' head?" he asked softly, sensing she wanted to talk to someone with a fresh outlook.

She shook her head, looking a little pensive, "Ross just got insecure and jealous and ruined everything for some slut at the copy place."

Chandler winced, studying her, taking in the glisten of unshed tears in her eyes which she was trying to hide. She still cared, but was still hurting, that much was obvious. Maybe this was his chance to try and help both her and Ross and to make up for not being there? It was worth a shot, no matter how far out of his comfort zone he'd be.

"I'm, uh, I'm not the best at the whole advice thing," he admitted, shrugging slightly, "but for what it's worth when I first met Ross he was completely in love with you, even way back then."

"I know," she said just a quietly.

"Seriously, he was obsessed with you," he continued. "I'd never seen anything like it. He'd talk about you all the time, had photos of you on the wall of our dorm room and he wrote some godawful lyrics about you."

"Really?" a hint of a smile started on her lips; it was progress.

"Yep," he nodded, "he was crazy about you but when we visited you guys at thanksgiving it was pretty clear you didn't feel the same and eventually he moved on. Carol showed him some attention and they starting hanging out and they clicked. Slowly the photos of you moved from the wall into his drawer but they were always there, hidden away. You never went away, never left his thoughts...even now."

She smiled fondly before shaking her head stubbornly, "Well, he's the one that's chosen to throw it all away."

He nodded, contemplating this for a moment.

"He wasn't ever a jealous person before," he mused gently, "I guess Carol cheating on him gave him some extra insecurities."

"Well, _him_ cheating on me sure hasn't helped anything."

He let his gaze land on her seeing the pain and bitterness in her voice reflected on her face. "You don't think there's any chance?" he asked earnestly.

"I don't know," she finally admitted after a long pause, shaking her head sadly. "I really don't know."

He nodded in understanding, weighing up how much to say but then deciding to just be honest. Maybe his tainted past may actually help someone else avoid a lot of pain.

"Look," he wet his lips, shifting a little as he searched for the right words. "I don't know everything that happened and I'm probably the last person that you want advice from, but I can kinda relate."

She raised an eyebrow at him, indicating silently that he should continue.

"I'm in a similar situation with Monica that you are with Ross," she looked confused and he scrubbed a hand through his hair in frustration, "I mean I didn't cheat on her or anything like that but I was an idiot that made a horrible mistake which hurt her so so badly and I honestly don't know how she's willing to even try and forgive me or trust me again...yet somehow she is.

"I know I was stupid and don't deserve her but I'm going to do everything in my power to show her she made the right choice and I'm not gonna mess this up again. I'm gonna prove to her that she can trust me and let her know that I appreciate just how lucky I am to get this second chance with her.

"The thing is it's not going to be easy and she's not going to forget what I did overnight but that's ok. We'll go slow, take it at whatever pace she needs and I'm going to expect doubt to crop up from time to time but that's ok as well as we're ready and wanna fight for this. And when the doubt does surface I'm going to reassure her. Like today, I know in the back of her mind she's wondering if I'm going to come back tonight, so to try and ease her fears I called her from work at lunchtime to reassure her and I rushed home to make sure I wasn't late in any way. It's about the little things, the little steps we can take and on those odd occasions when she does panic or freak out, I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna be patient and together we'll deal with the aftermath of my stupidity and learn to build a future, learn to strengthen our foundations.

"If you love Ross and can't imagine life without him then why not at least try? Take it slowly, gently, take those little steps and let him prove to you that it was a one off mistake that he's learned from. It's up to you of course, only you know whether it's worth it and it's your decision to make but I wasted 5 years of our lives and I'm so damn lucky Monica is as amazing as she is...just...just don't step away from him now if you think that in 5 years time you'll be sitting here regretting it. Life's too short."

"Wow," she blinked after a moment. "Monica never said you were so...eloquent."

He coughed a little embarrassed, ducking his head, "Well, I've had a lot of time to work on my eloquentness."

She nodded with a smile as the door opened and Monica walked in, a large smile on her face and tears in her eyes. With his own large smile he stood up, quickly walking over to her.

"I'll be in my room...thinking," Rachel murmured, doubtful that either had heard her as they embraced.

"You're here," she whispered, her hands framing his face.

"I told you I would be," he whispered back, staring into her glistening eyes for a long moment before leaning forward and meeting her lips half way.

They shared a sweet kiss, which curled his toes.

"I heard what you said, from the hall," she told him, her voice catching in her throat, "it was so...so..."

"Eloquent?" he grinned as she chuckled, nodding before burrowing her head in his chest. "I meant every word of it, Mon," he promised her softly, tightening his arms around her. "You're being so brave trusting me again and I'm gonna do everything to help show you it was the right decision. I promise I'll be with you for every step, for any waver or moment of doubt, I'll be there for it all."

"Thank you," she swallowed, "thank you so much."

"I should be the one thanking you," he whispered. "You've given me back my life Mon, given back so much more than I ever thought I could have."

She nodded silently before tilting her face up and instantly his lips met hers, sealing their promises with another kiss, one which deepened. His arms tightened around her, trying to convey how much she meant to him, how much he cherished her.

With her in his arms, kissing him like this he knew one thing for certain.

He had found his way home.

* * *

A/N - thank you all so much for the reviews and for waiting so patiently! This is the last proper chapter but there is an epilogue to go...

As always I'd really love to hear any thoughts :o)


	14. I Said Baby You're Not Lost

A/N - Oh dear...I can't believe it's been like a month since the last chapter. I never do that! I hope someone somewhere still remembers this story and wants to read this. Sorry for the stupidly long delay and thank you for waiting so patiently. It probably needs another edit but then who knows when it would get posted!

~o0 Epilogue 0o~

 _When the world's crashing down, And you can not bear the cross..._

* * *

 _Flashback - Christmas 5 years ago_

Chandler stood by his bed, the four walls of his bedroom feeling like they were closing in on him a little more each day. Despite the guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders, he couldn't wait now to just leave, to run away and never have to spend another lonely distressing night here. He surveyed the bland room, his eyes running over the bare walls, sparse shelves and furniture tops, mentally calculating what else he had to pack and how much he needed to leave out on display to keep the pretense up just that little bit longer.

There was one more night to go, one more night of hell to try and survive.

Grabbing a sweater from the back of his chair, he stuffed it into the open suitcase that sat on his bed. Satisified that he'd packed all that he could get away with for tonight, he zipped it up about to hide it when he heard the apartment door open. Panicked, he hurriedly stashed it under the bed, kicking it as far as it would go and straightening up just in time as his bedroom door swung open.

"There you are," Monica offered him a gorgeous smile. He was going to miss it, he was sure of that; he suspected despite his best efforts not to, that he would be haunted by that lovely smile for years to come.

"You found me," he quipped, although there was no humor in his voice, no light in his sunken eyes, he was barely holding it together now but he had to; he had to hold onto this crappy reality for just a little longer.

It was almost time.

"We're about to do presents."

"Already?" he frowned. He wasn't in the mood for presents. Wasn't in the mood for company, for people...for life.

"Yeah, well if you think the four of us are off to Long Island tomorrow that only leaves you and Phoebe, not much of a celebration given that neither of you eat turkey."

"Oh yeah, you're, uh all going to your folks for Christmas, Kip too, I'd, er forgotten about that," he lied badly fumbling over his words and she frowned at him, a famliar look on her face as of late.

"Are you ok?" she asked softly, her wonderfully blue eyes full of concern.

Her hand reached out, no doubt intent on a comforting touch to his arm but he took a hasty step back managing to avoid her.

"I'm fine, just tired and grouchy," he dismissed somewhat apologetically.

"What about the other 5 dwarfs?" she grinned and he tried to mimic the action although it was an effort.

"Those too," he shrugged.

She was still staring at him, trying to figure him out and he shifted uncomfortably, she was always the one it was hardest to hide it from but he had no choice. He had to hide this from her, she couldn't find out the truth; she couldn't find out anything until he'd left.

Gone.

Abandoned them all...

"You sure I can't help with anything?"

He almost hated that she cared for him so much.

"I'm fine, I-"

"Hey!" Kip bounced through the open bedroom door, saving Chandler from having to make up any more awkward lies. "There you guys are. You finally managed to drag him out of his room?" he teased, his arm casually slipping around Monica's waist pulling her to him. Chandler looked away, still hating the casualness of their interactions and how much he was still impacted by it. "I swear you've been packing for hours, how long are you staying with your mom for?"

"I was, uh wrapping presents." He lied quickly.

"This late?" Monica shook her head, "Have I taught you nothing, Bing?"

"At least I bought them on time," he muttered.

In reality it hadn't been a hard Christmas shop this year. One present. One pathetic present for his secret santa, which ironically turned out to be Kip. What did you buy the lucky bastard that already had everything you wanted?

He wasn't even going to see his mom this holiday, it was all a ruse to get him to Tulsa, where no one waited for presents. No one was waiting period. No concerned gazes, no thoughtful looks...no friends.

He'd be alone.

"Oh Chandler, I keep forgetting to ask," Monica started, still contently leaning back against her boyfriend's chest. "Are you bringing a date to the New Year's party?"

He blinked, ripping his thoughts away from his new life in Tulsa and trying to focus on the last few remaining hours of his old life. Just one more night and then he'd be free of the chains that still held him here.

"Chandler?"

"Huh?"

"Do you need a plus one?" she repeated, frowning yet again.

"What?" he blinked, directing his gaze onto her worried face.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

He didn't deserve her constant concern; if only she knew what he was planning.

"Uh," he shook his head trying to clear it and get his act together. He was too close to breakdown and ruin it now.

"You didn't bake any of Phoebe's 'special' mince pies, did you?" Kip laughed, his arms still holding Monica.

He tried to fake a smile but wasn't able to hold it for long. Everything was taking so much more effort. He couldn't wait to not have to be around them any more, to not have to fake the smiles and mask the constant pain he felt.

"You know Mon's the chief of the group, always will be," he murmured.

"Thank you, but New Year?" she prompted. "Are you seeing it in with a date by your side? I need to know numbers."

Oh.

"Uh..."

"You need someone to kiss at midnight, buddy," Kip informed him, as if he wasn't aware of the stupid tradition, "I've got mine in the bag, right babe?" he chuckled, before leaning down and kissing her.

He watched as his roommate's lips softly pressed against hers. Watched with a sharp pain in his chest as her lips curved into a beautiful smile afterwards as they stared at each other before leaning in again. Did they really have to do that in here? This was his only private space, somewhere that was meant to be his solace

"No date, I'll uh take my chances," he swallowed looking away.

It was weird to think he didn't know where he'd be for New Year. Would he stay alone in his hotel room, being eaten by guilt and worrying about what he'd left behind? Or would he be trying to forget everything and attempting to make a new life for himself, going to some Tulscan night club and seeing in the New Year with hope, a fresh start?

That's all he needed. A fresh start.

"Hey, what are you all doing over here?" Ross asked as he came to the doorway, taking in the small crowd. "Don't tell me you're actually letting the boys host this preChristmas shindig?"

"Hell, no!" Monica laughed, tugging Kip's hand. "Where's Carol?"

Chandler looked once more around his room, his gaze landing briefly on his bed and the concealed suitcase hidden underneath, before he sighed heavily and trailed along behind, half-listening as Ross prattled on about his wife's whereabouts. He didn't care. His mind was too preoccupied with the fact that this would be the last evening they all spent together.

Ever.

He was actually going to run, escape from this nightmare...he was actually going to do this.

He had his plane tickets and hotel reservations hidden in his bedside cabinet as proof this was real; he had his new boss waiting for him on Monday, thrilled that he had volunteered to work over the holidays. Everything was all planned out; he was committed.

There was no backing out now.

Despite the familiar numbness, he briefly contemplated whether he was making the right choice. They were all sat around the seating area, Phoebe crossed legged on the floor singing some random made up carol, Ross whining about his own Carol, Kip and Monica all snuggled up on the couch, giggling with each other. The Christmas tree perfectly decorated so carefully by Monica was set up in the window just like it was every year, creating the perfect backdrop to this perfect setting.

If only he could feel a part of it. He didn't. He felt detached, his heart already too broken and abused and he knew for sure he didn't belong here any more.

He had no choice.

His decision was made.

God, he felt like a traitor, a fake. Sitting with them, pretending to laugh and smile and care. They trusted him and he was going to betray them all tomorrow. He felt like Judas; he was scum and soon they'd all know.

"Earth to Chandler!" Phoebe laughed and he blinked looking over to her.

"Huh?" he hoped his voice didn't sound as detached from reality as he felt right now.

He just had to keep it together for one more night, he could do this.

"Your present?" Phoebe frowned, holding out the neatly wrapped gift.

"Oh," he blinked again slowly focussing on the offered present that she was waving in front of him.

"You ok?" she asked, her concerned frown deepening, the gift faltering slightly.

Crap, he didn't need any more questions, especially not infront of everyone. Like Monica, he knew Phoebe suspected something was seriously wrong but as usual he forced himself to lie to her. It would be better in the long run.

"Yeh, sorry, I'm good," he tried to dismiss casually as he reached for the package, taking it from her. "Just a little tired."

"I didn't get much sleep either last night," Kip laughed as Monica sushed and whacked him playfully.

He faked a hint of a smile but knew it looked more like a grimace and just hoped no one was paying him any attention. He really wished he wasn't here, wished he wasn't having to watch them flirt together all evening. Why hadn't he left yesterday? Just uped and left in the cover of the night instead of having to wait for them to go away, drawing the torture out.

"You gonna open it?" Ross prompted.

Chandler blinked in surprise, noticing with a wince that everyone was staring at him; his eyes quickly darted to the gift he had forgotten he was holding.

"Yeah sure," he muttered, slightly embarrassed.

"You must be really tired," Ross observed. "Maybe you're coming down with something?"

He ignored him, desperate to just open the damn thing, try to fake a smile and then have the attention move off him. With shaking fingers it took Chandler several attempts to tear into paper, revealing a small photo frame. Pulling it out completely he studied it further and he swallowed, the ever-present knife in his chest twisting painfully.

It was a picture of the whole gang, one taken months ago before his world had started to crumble, before the catalyst of him having to leave had started. It captured their naïve happy faces. Their innocence in youth.

Did the others somehow know?

Were they mocking him with this or calling his bluff?

He felt the glossy eyes behind the glass staring at him, glaring accusingly as if they knew too. He felt hot, his throat tight and dry as he tried to swallow.

"Do you like it?" Monica asked, eager to please as always.

"It's, uh it's great...t-thanks," he stammered, not even looking up at her, instead his eyes stay fixed on the photo, telling himself it was all in his head, his crazy mixed up imagination.

No one knew his dirty little secret.

It was just a photo of better times, much better times. He couldn't believe how much happier and healthier his younger self looked, so carefree and relaxed. Had he ever really felt like that? It was hard to imagine now. How had it all changed so quickly? How had it all fallen apart so horribly?

"I thought it might help cheer you up," Monica commented, "I know you see us all the time but maybe you could put it on your desk at work?"

He wouldn't. He wasn't even sure if he'd take it with him or leave it behind with the rest of the memories of this life. An unwanted souvenir.

"Thanks," he muttered.

"Aw, that's an awesome present, baby," Kip praised her, leaning down to kiss her, making her beam with happiness at the praise.

Whilst it killed him to see them like that Chandler tried to smile, tried to be pleased that Monica was at least happy and getting her all time Christmas wish of her happily ever after. Her boyfriend, her future husband, the guy that would give her the children and white picket fence that she used to tell him about in their late night college confessions. Even back then he knew he was in love with her but also knew she was out of his league. If only he'd known then just how much those feelings would ruin his life, ruin everything.

God, he was going to miss her, miss all of them but it would be her he missed the most. But she was happy and above everything that's what was important. He was setting her free, letting her live the life she wanted without him confining her, stifling her and one day confessing everything and destroying it all anyway.

No, they'd be better off without him.

Maybe one day she'd even thank him.

He sat through the rest of the evening feeling more detached than ever. A numbness slowly spread through his body as he distanced himself from his former friends. Occasionally he'd smile or nod but his mind was already planning what was left to arrange and pack for Tulsa. It was only when people started to say goodbye that he jolted back to the present.

On auto-pilot he hugged each goodnight, wishing them a merry Christmas. He watched in slow motion as one-by-one they waved and walked out, realizing in a surreal haze that he wasn't entirely sure who he'd see tomorrow morning before he left. That this might be the last time he ever saw them. It was strange.

He should have cared more, he knew he should but he just couldn't. The numbness, the cold that had spread through his veins throughout the evening was his mind's way of protecting him, to stop him feeling the full brunt of the hurt...a survival tactic. If he allowed himself to think, to feel then he would crumble. No, he had to hold on to the coldness, just for one more lonely night.

Monica and Kip declared they were staying at hers and letting his eyes linger on her longer than he probably should he numbly walked across the hall by himself, entering the cold apartment. It was quite fitting that he would be alone here on his last night, it was probably good practice for the future and the empty hotel room that awaited his arrival tomorrow.

At least by himself he could finish everything in private. He could stay up all night finalizing things, emptying drawers and packing up his old life without having to worry about any noise he might make. He wouldn't have to answer any questions if any tears managed to break through and wouldn't have to hide any of his twisted emotions.

He was going to do this.

He was going to leave all this behind him.

Life would eventually get better.

It had to.

With a heavy sigh he dumped the photo frame onto the kitchen counter, once again feeling the eyes of every face in the photo staring at him, accusing him, blaming him. They didn't understand. He had to do this. He had no choice.

His gaze fell onto the image of Monica, taking in every detail of her beautiful happy printed face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her, his voice seeming loud in the empty apartment.

Knowing no reply was coming he hung his head, taking a few deep breaths, readying himself for what he had to do this evening. He turned to head to his room then paused. Slowly he reached out his hand, grasping the frame, he debated for just a second whether he should take it with him but even without looking at it he could feel their anger burning into him.

He had enough guilt.

With trembling hands he turned it face down onto the countertop then moved swiftly into his room without looking back.

* * *

 _I said baby you're not lost_

* * *

 _Christmas 5 Years Later_

Chandler stood alone in his bedroom beside his bed, where his suitcase laid open and half-packed. His eyes scanned the room, mentally calculating what else he had to pack and how much he needed to leave out to keep the pretense up that little bit longer.

Just one more night to go...and he couldn't wait.

His eyes involuntarily landed on the photo frame that Monica had surprised him with as a housewarming gift; it sat proudly on his chest of drawers. Behind the 'polished to Monica standard glass' was a picture of the newly formed group. The six of them were pulling silly faces, laughing and smiling at the camera. His arm looked at home around Monica's shoulders and she in turn was casually leaning back against him like she belonged there.

She did.

Forcing himself to refocus on the task at hand, he grabbed a sweater from the back of his chair, stuffing it into the open suitcase. Satisified that he'd packed all that he could get away with for tonight, he zipped it up about to hide it when he heard the apartment door open. Panicked, he hurriedly stashed it under the bed, kicking it as far as it would go and straightening up just in time as his bedroom door swung open.

"There you are," Monica offered him that gorgeous smile he loved so much and he automatically returned it.

"You found me," he quipped, opening his arms as she naturally stepped into his personal space, slipping her arms around his waist as they embraced.

"I'm rounding up people for presents and stuff."

"Already?" he asked surprised, his eyebrows going up to his hairline.

He had hoped for a bit more time to get things ready.

"Yeah, well Ross and Rachel are leaving to see her mom tomorrow, so it's best we start things now as they'll wanna head to bed early."

"Now _that_ sounds like a damn good plan to me," he chuckled, his eyes creasing in the corners, pleased that Ross and Rachel had gotten back together and were obviously happy. Despite everyone warning him that they had a somewhat volatile relationship, they were still together and seemed to work well; he hoped that this time was for good.

"What exactly are you suggesting, Mr Bing?" she asked coyly, her face moving closer to his, tilting upwards in anticipation.

"Well, maybe we should follow suit and get an early night ourselves?" he murmured, closing the gap between them, touching his lips to hers.

Chandler still savored the feel of kissing her, his arms automatically pulling her slender body closer against his. He still couldn't quite belive that _she_ was his girlfriend; that _he_ was dating Monica Geller and that he could kiss her and hold her pretty much any time he liked...as well as doing other things. As the kiss intensified, Chandler was about to suggest that they put the presents on hold so maybe they could go do some of those 'other things' when he heard the apartment door open.

Damn.

"Hey!" Joey called loudly, walking into apartment 19 causing Chandler to groan in protest against her lips.

Monica just chuckled at him, pulling away from their embrace but taking hold of his hand, giving it a little sympathetic squeeze before dragging him out into the living room.

"Hi," she greeted cheerily as Chandler muttered something that vaguely resembled a disgruntled hello to his roommate.

After a couple of weeks of rejoining the gang, Joey had been the one to suggest that Chandler move back into apartment 19 and he had jumped at the chance. It was great to be living back across the hall from Monica, great being part of the group and having close friends again that surrounded him. Plus, a huge bonus was that his initial instincts about Joey had turned out to be right and they'd become awesome friends almost instantly.

"What're you guys up to?" he asked with a knowing smirk as he approached them.

As he neared Chandler could see what looked like a bucket of chicken in his hands and he pulled a disgusted face remembering a few weeks ago when he'd walked in on Joey, several buckets of chicken and the fast food lady. He shuddered.

"Is that chicken?" Monica protested, coming closer to inspect the bucket of fried food. "Joey! I've cooked a preChristmas dinner! There's tons of food waiting to be eaten across the hall. You can't eat an entire chicken as well."

"Don't worry it won't be wasted," he easily reassured her, waving a chicken leg in the air confidently to somehow demonstrate his point, "I'm a Tribianni, this is what we do. I promise I'll have room for both chicken and your feast. Any leftovers I can eat tomorrow after you've all gone..."

Monica's brow creased in confusion.

Joey's eyes widened in panic.

Chandler's face screwed up in annoyance.

Damn it. So close.

"Gone where? What are you talking about?" she turned her perplexed face to Chandler who managed to change his expression just in time to mirror her confusion. "We aren't going anywhere."

"I uh..." Joey faltered, his eyes shooting to his roommate and once again Chandler had to wonder just how a man that couldn't remotely think on his feet or lie could act for a living.

"He probably just means Ross and Rachel," Chandler stepped in, shrugging for good measure. "Now let's go open those presents and start on that mountain of food."

Monica's expression was still slightly suspicious but she reluctantly accepted the lame excuse, obviously more excited to get the festivities started; she'd been talking about it for weeks. As she headed for the door, Chandler threw Joey an incredulous glare who shrugged apologetically. Shaking his head Chandler followed Monica across the hall into apartment 20.

They ate a lovely homemade meal around the table, Monica having cooked him his favorite festive meal of mac and cheese with the compulsory chopped up hotdogs. They'd sat together and throughout the meal there had been constant little touches to his knee, thigh and shoulder or a gentle ruffling of his hair. And he had returned as many of them as he could, loving being able to be close to her and being casually affectionate with her.

No one had ever made him feel this content and loved.

Eventually, groaning at how full they all were the group stumbled into the living area. Ross and Rachel sat cuddled up on the couch, Joey and Phoebe sat crossed legged on the floor singing some random made up carol and himself and Monica snuggled contently on the oversized chair, occasionally laughing at their friends antics.

The perfect Christmas tree was set up in the window, creating the perfect backdrop to this perfect setting and Chandler tried to commit it all to memory. Tried to use it to replace that memory of the last Christmas he had spent with them in this apartment. He couldn't believe just how much life had changed. That for the first time in a long time he actually felt truly happy, happy and ever so grateful to be a part of this amazing, even if somewhat unconventional group.

"Ok, people," Phoebe interrupted his thoughts, "I need a lyric to rhyme with 'Help yourself to Christmas Cake.' Go."

Joey tapped his chin in thought for a moment before offering, "And then take Joey on a date?"

Phoebe shook her head.

"Then take me sales shopping, for goodness sake?" Rachel suggested.

Phoebe pulled a face whilst Ross patted her shoulder in comfort, "It was a good effort," he praised.

"Oh, how about, 'Which took hours to bake?'" Monica tried but again it was rejected.

They all looked to Chandler expectantly who rolled his eyes, secretly pleased that they welcomed his quickwit and humor...even though it had taken Joey and Rachel a while to get it.

"Um...Hey kids, guess what? Santa is a big fat fake?" he offered with his usual sarcasm. "Then you could finish with merry Christmas and play some bell things."

Monica laughed beside him which warmed his heart. He looked down at her, his sparkling eyes meeting hers as he pulled her closer to him, enjoying relaxing like this.

"Oh you," Phoebe grinned, before staring at him, causing him to frown slightly.

"What?" he questioned, a little uncomfortable, his relaxing being postponed.

"I'm so glad you're back this Christmas," she declared quietly. "It feels...right."

He blinked surprised.

"It's the first Christmas I've seen Monica actually enjoy," Rachel pointed out.

His heart panged slightly as he automatically tightened his arms around her, silently vowing not to hurt her like that again.

"It's so nice everyone being together," Joey added with his large trademark smile.

"Yeah, you know, it finally feels like Christmas again," Ross agreed.

Wow. As much as he was loving this Christmas he hadn't realized how much it had meant to the others.

"Well obviously I add to the Christmas atmosphere, what with my festive spirit and all," he quipped, deflecting his embarrassment with humor. "Remind me next year to get a santa suit to really take it up to the next level."

As the others chuckled, Monica shifted slightly, her lips coming up to his ear.

"We should definitely get you a santa suit," she whispered, her breath tickling his sensitive skin.

He swallowed, looking at her.

"Santa? Really?"

"Oh yeah," she nodded throwing him a very promising seductive look. If only he had known earlier.

"Next year it is."

"I'll hold you to that," she grinned.

Letting out a contented sigh, he rested his head against hers for a moment just holding her and marvelling at how much everything really had changed since that fated Christmas all that time ago. That he was here flirting with Monica. Here bantering with the others. That he was making plans for next year. Next year here with them, with her.

He wondered if he could ever feel as good as he did right now.

"Earth to Chandler!" Phoebe laughed and he blinked looking over to her.

"Huh?" he asked, not realizing how much he'd zoned out. He grinned good-naturedly as Monica poked him teasingly in the ribs murmuring something about him being a goofball.

"We're gonna do presents," Phoebe repeated.

"Right, sure."

Presents were exchanged amongst themselves and Chandler had to hide his grin as Monica opened hers.

"A duster?"

"It's a good one right?" he teased, aware of the others trying not to laugh, they were all in on it.

"Uh...yeah."

He could hear the disappointment she tried to hide but knew it would all be worth it.

He just had to wait a little longer.

"You haven't got one like that," Rachel pointed out, biting back her own grin.

"And cleaning is your favorite hobby," Phoebe praised, "he knows you so well, he's a keeper."

"Yeah, he's great." It was said as if she was trying to remind herself of that fact, so he tightened his arm around her and kissed the top of her head wishing the evening would hurry up and finish.

Finally it was time for the group to say goodnight and festive hugs and well wishes were exchanged by all. Phoebe and Joey left and Ross and Rachel retreated to her room leaving them alone. Monica started to tidy away but Chandler stopped her, his arms sliding around her waist from behind.

"Leave it," he whispered. "We can clean it all tomorrow...it will give you something to look forward to."

She chuckled leaning back into his embrace, "Maybe it will give me a chance to use my new duster," she said lightly.

It was his turn to chuckle and she felt the rumbles vibrate through her.

"What if I told you that wasn't your real present?" he confessed softly in her ear, delighting as she shivered.

"What do you mean?" she asked confused, turning to face him. "Chandler?"

Remaining silent he just smiled cheeklily, his eyes sparkling as he took her hand and led her wordlessly to the door. He pulled her across the hall into his apartment, still not releasing her hand as they made it into his bedroom.

"What are you up to?" she asked looking around for any clues but everything was in its usual place.

"Mon," he wet his lips as he turned to face her, "I know when I left I ruined a lot of things and the others have told me how it ruined the holidays for you, a horrible reminder of coming home to find me gone. I never meant to do that especially knowing how much you've always loved Christmas despite the whole Jewish thing," a corner of his mouth curved up as he met her eyes. "So, for our first Christmas together I wanted to give you a Christmas that you'll always remember for the _right_ reasons, something that will make it special."

She remained silent, nodding to indicate he should continue.

"This uh, this isn't a proposal or anything," he clarified quickly, "I think that would be rushing things and I'm loving where we are with this relationship and I don't wanna do _anything_ to risk what we have. Maybe one Christmas in the future, when we're ready I might think about..." he shrugged a little panicked that his mouth was snowballing out of control and ruining this but she just smiled fondly rubbing his arm in comfort.

"Ok," he nodded relieved they were on the same page. "So for _this_ Christmas..." he walked over to his bedside cabinet pulling open the small drawer. Briefly a flash of a memory came to his mind from that Christmas 5 years ago when he had come back from apartment 20 to the other tickets that had sat burning a hole in his bedside cabinet. But this was different. They were different. "Here," he said softly, handing her the small envelope.

She looked at him before she carefully opened it.

Plane tickets.

Hotel tickets.

"Paris!" she exclaimed excitedly, gobsmacked her eyes huge. "Oh my god, I-"

"We leave tomorrow, after we've cleaned," he grinned loving how eager she was, "If you wanna go that is?"

"Are you kidding me? It's...I mean...I... Thank you Chandler!"

He pulled her to him, his arms wrapping securely around her waist.

"I know you've always wanted to go and I wanted us to create some new memories," he told her softly. "Christmas was never the best time for me either, so hopefully this way we can change it for both of us with a nice romantic trip together."

"It's perfect, like you," she promised, kissing him deeply.

He knew he was far from perfect but didn't feel obliged to correct her as he returned her kiss, groaning as it became passionate fast. The tickets fell to the floor forgotten as they tumbled onto the bed, clothes disappearing quickly as they cherished the feel of skin against skin, reassuring each other that _this_ was real, that _this_ bond, _this_ connection that was almost lost between them was really happening. As her joy filled the room Chandler couldn't believe how much had changed from 5 years ago.

It had been a tough and horrible journey but somehow they'd made it. By some miracle they were back together, in love and as clichéd as it all was he wouldn't change anything for the world.

He was no longer lost.

He had found his way home.

The End

* * *

A/N- thank you soooo much for all the reviews and PMs with this one. It was great to hear all your thoughts and comments along the way.

It's weird that this one is actually over and I hoped you enjoyed it despite the unplanned delay :o)

The chapter titles are from Michael Buble's song 'Lost'. This wasn't the intended song as originally I thought it would follow songs like 'Because of you' by Kelly Clarkson and I listened to that a _lot_ when I started writing this to get in the mood. But then after all the angst Mondler reconciled (of course) and that song no longer worked. I started hunting around with no success and then Lost randomly popped into my head and just seemed to fit it perfectly (chapter 8 was just irony - sorry I remember someone asking at the time but can't remember if I replied!). Plus I love a bit of the Buble-meister so it was a win-win situation.

Anyhow, as it's past midnight here I'll stop my nonsense rambling! Thanks again for reading this and I'd love a final review to hear your thoughts.


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